Girlfriend refusing to pay towards rent

duchy

It sounds like you are doing a lot of talking *about* her - to us, to your brother.....but not much discussion between the two of you.

I do wonder why after five years you've not combined finances -and if you see marriage or combined finances as a "threat" rather than a natural progression in your relationship ? If she is feeling that then maybe she decided when you got back together that she needed to see you moving towards an "us" position rather than a "His and hers". Could that be possible ? Could she have felt that before she owned a property it wasn't an equal situation -and that in her mind her now also owning has changed the dynamic (or that it should change the dynamic) ?

BigAunty

davecon1 wrote: »

We did actually go along to relationship cancelling but...she refused to contribute anything towards it.

.

I'm sorry but I actually found myself snorting with laughter at that one - you hoped the relationship counselling, which would probably cover areas like mutual support and finance, would bring you closer but she was too tight to pay?!

Mojisola

davecon1 wrote: »

We did actually go along to relationship cancelling but...she refused to contribute anything towards it.

It was never like this in the early few years. She was happy to pay but when she got her place it all changed.

Did anything come from the counselling sessions or did you have to cut them short because she wouldn't share the cost?

Have you ever asked her outright why she used to be willing to contribute but isn't now?

There have always been some women who think that the money the man earns is "ours" and any money she earns is "hers". If your GF is one of those, do you really want to spend the rest of your life together?

jaylee3

FBaby wrote: »

Yes most do, I don't. I think she is frustrated that the man she is madly in love and want to move towards a committed relationship with is using her in that he is happy to be with her, but not to commit further. I think she is confused and doesn't know what to think of her relationship. I think she is now deciding to use him indeed because she feels used herself. Of course, nothing more than an assumption, but based on experience of similar situations.

Thank God it's not just me who thinks that he is being out of order. I can't believe the amount of people on this thread who think that this girl should be 'paying her way' when she can't. They are supposed to a couple, a partnership, a family; yet the OP and some people on this thread are acting like they're bloody flatmates!

If the OP is so hung up on the fact that his girlfriend isn't paying as much towards the rent as him, I seriously question the relationship. It's not like they only just met, they have been together for years!

And I reiterate, HOW is he going to cope if they get married? There's a possibility that if they have kids and she stays at home, that she will (SHOCK HORROR) not be bringing as much money into the home and family as he is!

And THIS post by *max* is the most laughable post of all IMO.

FBaby wrote: »

Are you actually serious? Are you saying that having a boyfriend/girlfriend means you shouldn't have to pay your way? Or does it only apply to women, because they can sit pretty and flutter their eyelashes and shouldn't have to do anything as menial as working to live while men should work so they can keep them in jewels and pretty flowers? There's a word for someone like that you know, it's called a golddigger.

I have to ask are YOU actually serious? What an offensive and ludicrous post! So any woman who is earning less than their boyfriend/partner/husband and isn't bringing in quite as much money is a bloody gold-digger is she, who just flutters her eyelashes to get what she wants, because she can't be arsed to work?! You sound bitter to me to be honest. Like someone has taken you for a ride. Doesn't mean you can tar ALL women with the same brush! I thank the Lord that I met the man *I* have, and not someone like you. Some women I have know/have known are in relationships with men with attitudes like yours, and their lives are miserable.

I am done on this thread now. I can't believe some of the things people are saying on here. PLUS, I have nothing else to add to it. I've said all I want to say!

Mojisola

jaylee3 wrote: »

Thank God it's not just me who thinks that he is being out of order. I can't believe the amount of people on this thread who think that this girl should be 'paying her way' when she can't.

If it was a case of "can't", the answers would be different.

She "can" but she "won't".

davecon1

duchy wrote: »

It sounds like you are doing a lot of talking *about* her - to us, to your brother.....but not much discussion between the two of you.

I do wonder why after five years you've not combined finances -and if you see marriage or combined finances as a "threat" rather than a natural progression in your relationship ? If she is feeling that then maybe she decided when you got back together that she needed to see you moving towards an "us" position rather than a "His and hers". Could that be possible ? Could she have felt that before she owned a property it wasn't an equal situation -and that in her mind her now also owning has changed the dynamic (or that it should change the dynamic) ?

I think you're right about things not being equal. She bought the place so she could have her own asset but also as a form of insurance. At the time I did suggest relationship counselling and went a couple of times but she didn't really like it.

After we split I saw another counsellor to try to see if the problem was all mine (about what's fair etc). I know this is not the way a relationship should be but don't know how to deal with it as every time finances come up its a trigger.

It's possible that the answer is staring me in the face- we shouldn't be together. That's why i started this post- I wanted to see what complete strangers thought and if anyone has been in a similar situation.

Appreciate all the comments!

Mojisola

davecon1 wrote: »

It's possible that the answer is staring me in the face- we shouldn't be together.

You weren't happy so had a break from the relationship.

You got back together and are not happy.

I agree with your assessment.

Buzzybee90

jaylee3 wrote: »

Thank God it's not just me who thinks that he is being out of order. I can't believe the amount of people on this thread who think that this girl should be 'paying her way' when she can't. They are supposed to a couple, a partnership, a family; yet the OP and some people on this thread are acting like they're bloody flatmates!

If the OP is so hung up on the fact that his girlfriend isn't paying as much towards the rent as him, I seriously question the relationship. It's not like they only just met, they have been together for years!

And I reiterate, HOW is he going to cope if they get married? There's a possibility that if they have kids and she stays at home, that she will (SHOCK HORROR) not be bringing as much money into the home and family as he is!

And THIS post by *max* is the most laughable post of all IMO.


I have to ask are YOU actually serious? What an offensive and ludicrous post! So any woman who is earning less than their boyfriend/partner/husband and isn't bringing in quite as much money is a bloody gold-digger is she, who just flutters her eyelashes to get what she wants, because she can't be arsed to work?! You sound bitter to me to be honest. Like someone has taken you for a ride. Doesn't mean you can tar ALL women with the same brush! I thank the Lord that I met the man *I* have, and not someone like you. Some women I have know/have known are in relationships with men with attitudes like yours, and their lives are miserable.

I am done on this thread now. I can't believe some of the things people are saying on here. PLUS, I have nothing else to add to it. I've said all I want to say!

Did you miss the bit about her income?

Take this situation Jaylee;
Person A earns £2000/m
Person B earns £1200/m

Should person A pay for everything? Of course not!

I combined my finances with my boyfriend when I got my first graduate job, he is older so earns more (the figures above aren't us though!) but it's not relevant as we put in into the same pot. It would unbelievably unfair if (this is essentially what's happening in the OP) he put all his money in a shared pot for bills, rent etc and I kept mine!

getmore4less

So she has gone of on holiday and planning another,

Are both these without you?

You say you used to pay for the hols who paid for these?

If she paid for them and won't pay her way that tells you all you need to know about her priorities.

STOP BUYING HER FOOD.

HPoirot

You are being taken for a ride davecon. If I were you I would get out.