Girlfriend refusing to pay towards rent

duchy

There's a world of difference between combining finances and "paying rent".
I'm honestly not sure the OP sees it though.

Do you both usually have seperate holidays as well as holidays together ...or is this a new departure for her ? I'm thinking she got back with you thinking things would be different -and it seems the relationship dynamic didn't change-possible ?

Maybe the relationship has run its course -or maybe the communication just isn't there at the moment. Have you talked about the relationship rather than the money side which is probably a symptom not a cause of your problems.

*max*

jaylee3 wrote: »

Thank God it's not just me who thinks that he is being out of order. I can't believe the amount of people on this thread who think that this girl should be 'paying her way' when she can't. They are supposed to a couple, a partnership, a family; yet the OP and some people on this thread are acting like they're bloody flatmates!

If the OP is so hung up on the fact that his girlfriend isn't paying as much towards the rent as him, I seriously question the relationship. It's not like they only just met, they have been together for years!

And I reiterate, HOW is he going to cope if they get married? There's a possibility that if they have kids and she stays at home, that she will (SHOCK HORROR) not be bringing as much money into the home and family as he is!

And THIS post by *max* is the most laughable post of all IMO.


I have to ask are YOU actually serious? What an offensive and ludicrous post! So any woman who is earning less than their boyfriend/partner/husband and isn't bringing in quite as much money is a bloody gold-digger is she, who just flutters her eyelashes to get what she wants, because she can't be arsed to work?! You sound bitter to me to be honest. Like someone has taken you for a ride. Doesn't mean you can tar ALL women with the same brush! I thank the Lord that I met the man *I* have, and not someone like you. Some women I have know/have known are in relationships with men with attitudes like yours, and their lives are miserable.

I am done on this thread now. I can't believe some of the things people are saying on here. PLUS, I have nothing else to add to it. I've said all I want to say!

I'm a woman. But don't let that trivial detail get in the way of your little rant.

Toucan_Pecan

My gosh, this is really an unfair situation! I understand that sometimes people become tight with money when they sense the other lacks commitment - BUT at a bare minimum both should be contributing equally, unless one partner is a stay at home parent, or disabled in some way...

Twiggy_34

In my relationship (of 8 years) everything is split equally. We both work, me full time & him part time, and both bring home roughly the same monthly income (I don't know exactly what his take home pay is as it's none of my business). We are both adults and both have tongues in our heads if something is beyond our financial reach. I've seen far too many relationships become bitter about spending habits when joint finances are involved and it's a conscious choice on both parts to keep everything separate with the exception of our joint mortgage. He buys and finances his own car, as do I mine, we even do our own grocery shops (largely because we have quite different diets as much as anything). Any maintenance costs on the flat are split 50/50, as are all bills and the mortgage, although I do usually knock around £5 off his half each month because I have a pet reptile who has viv lights on for 12 hours every day. If, however, I want to buy something for the flat that is completely my choice to do and he has no interest in the proposed change/purchase then I choose to finance this myself. E.g. I want to get fitted wardrobes in the master bedroom, he's happy with the existing wardrobe & layout. I've bought the fittings myself and will be left to get on with whatever I want to (with discussion that he has no objection to me doing it at least).

As a general rule, with regard to small things, e.g. a meal or day trip out, if one person is struggling a little financially the other will usually say, don't worry, my treat, it will be nice to do something nice together. So we are by no means counting pennies and pounds to make sure everything is exactly 50/50. But what comes around goes around and usually the favour is repaid at some point. If one of us found ourselves in a tight spot, e.g. maybe lost their job and simply didn't have the money to cover their share, the other would support the finances until such a time when things have straightened out. This is a hypothetical situation so far for us, but I imagine that the money would be paid back as soon as reasonably possible, whether in instalments or a lump sum. Personally I certainly wouldn't expect him to foot the bill if I had the means to settle up at some point. There was a time when my income was somewhat lower than his and so I often reached a point most years where I would have to decline the invitation to do or participate in certain activities. Or I would go to the pub but buy my own drinks and ration them out according to what I could afford (usually the case just before pay day!). I am now in a position whereby I have a higher income than him, partly due to a change of job, but also after inheriting a property which I now let out (jointly with my sister who it was also left to). The property and the extra income is mine and he reaps no benefits from this (as would be the situation if it were the other way round). The extra income makes it more affordable for certain indulges (such as the aforementioned fitted wardrobe fixtures) but it's all mine to do with what I please - likewise, the expense that come with having a rental property are all mine too though (well, mine & my sisters)! lol

With regard to your situation which is of course somewhat different, in the short term it might be deemed ok to live rent free until finances are sorted properly for your partner. If your brother already lives with you your outgoings would not have changed any in terms of fixed rates and mortgage costs. However, once she's got regular money coming it it would be more than reasonable to expect her to contribute to household expenses. Given as she's not getting her own private room (one assumes she's using yours!) and you are living together as a couple, it's fair to say that she shouldn't be expected to pay the full rate that you might expect from a lodger renting their own room. That said, it's probably fair to say that she gets more of a free reign of the house compared to that which a lodger might get. She certainly shouldn't be helping you eat your food without a suitable contribution, she should also be paying a fair rate towards the bills which aren't fixed such as electric/gas usage. On top of this, I would expect to receive/pay an extra sum of money towards your usual costs, as recognition of the fact she's living under your roof and at a very very cheap rate compared to if she got a room in a house share or rented her own place. My point being that, while she might not be "costing" you much, she is almost certainly saving a large some of money compared to her other alternatives.

FBaby

And THIS post by *max* is the most laughable post of all IMO.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FBaby View Post
Are you actually serious? Are you saying that having a boyfriend/girlfriend means you shouldn't have to pay your way? Or does it only apply to women, because they can sit pretty and flutter their eyelashes and shouldn't have to do anything as menial as working to live while men should work so they can keep them in jewels and pretty flowers? There's a word for someone like that you know, it's called a golddigger.
I have to ask are YOU actually serious? What an offensive and ludicrous post!

Ha ha, just want to point out that it was indeed not me writing this! I read it and thought I was going senile!

OP, what do you mean by she wouldn't contribute towards the counselling. Do you mean financially? I originally took it as not contributing in terms of talking about her feelings etc...

The question is? What do you think she wants from the relationship and where do you think she sees it going? What has changed that her views on contribution have taken a complete different direction?

getmore4less

Ok only one side but you have to asume that they are the facts.


Look at the facts.

Goes contribution free to save up for a flat then dumps him and moves into the flat.

Sort of get back together but she keeps the bolt hole open by having only a lodger still contributing nothing where she is really living

Loses her job so closes the bolt hole by renting the place out.


Can't contribute but can go on holiday(probably should be job hunting).

Does not even pay for all her own food.


Even when they were "going out" he was paying most of the costs.


I think somewhere in there are plans to go traveling, who is paying for that?

sharnad

The two holidays she is going on, Are thereby herself. Did she have the. Bought for her or did she pay with money she should be putting into the household bills

duchy

getmore4less wrote: »

Ok only one side but you have to asume that they are the facts.


Look at the facts.

Goes contribution free to save up for a flat then dumps him and moves into the flat.

Sort of get back together but she keeps the bolt hole open by having only a lodger still contributing nothing where she is really living

Loses her job so closes the bolt hole by renting the place out.


Can't contribute but can go on holiday(probably should be job hunting).

Does not even pay for all her own food.


Even when they were "going out" he was paying most of the costs.


I think somewhere in there are plans to go traveling, who is paying for that?

I see another scenario

Dating for five years and at some point move in together when OP buys 4 bedroom home -she is not on the deeds but is paying towards bills whilst saving. They go on holiday together (and possibly also seperately)

She doesn't see the relationship going anywhere as after five years even though she has a deposit there is no talk of marriage, or her paying something to go on the deeds -and it's clear it is HIS house and nothing is likely to change. She starts to wonder if they have a future so buys a property as insurance/investment-only getting a lodger in so if things do go wrong she isn't homeless. She was married before so is aware how vunerable you can be when a couple living together split so buying the flat makes sense.

They break up (OP hasn't cited a reason or who dumped who but he went for counselling to discover reasons so maybe it was mutual or maybe she dropped him) she moves back to her own flat and some months later they get back together again -and things are fine until she is made redundant. She rents out flat to cover mortgage -and moves back with BF (or maybe she was already there 24/7 and renting the flat out was already decided between them) A few months later BF is also made redundant but he knows he is getting a good package and despite her not paying rent is still able to make overpayments on the mortgage but despite this makes her feel less than comfortable because he is asking for rent -(not a contribution to their living expenses or a suggestion that she covers certain bills but something akin to the arrangement he has with his brother who is renting a room in the same house-she presumably doesn't have her own room however)

Brother appears to be poking his nose into the situation -and telling OP what he should do-which probably isn't the greatest of ideas if she sees them living together as a committed couple and brother is percieved as telling OP to treat her more like a lodger and charge rent. GF is highly peeved as she feels undermined and got back with BF because she thought he wanted to be a couple and not a three way house share with brother commenting and partner listening to brother instead of treating brother as the lodger in their OP & GF) joint home.

GF is so fed up with BF and brother "ganging up" on her -in her eyes that she books a holiday to get away from them both !

Just another scenario - only the OP knows if there are some elements of truth in it -but I have wondered when the brother moved in and how much "influence" he has.

davecon1

Hello again.

It's been a few days but it's nice to see that there are still some comments and advice. The last week has been manic as her family came over to stay. She now wants to go on holiday by herself to take a break from everyone. In the past we have always been on holiday together and the cost split about 60:40.

Regarding the question about counselling we went once and didn't get anywhere. the counsellor said we got had valid points and we were at at stalemate. After we split up I saw a different counsellor for 6 months.

There was a point about my brother. He doesn't interfere much or poke his nose in. They have argued but then again I also argue with him.

Just after my last post I asked said that if she has a problem with the 'rent' she could just pay for our food which she agreed to starting next month. She also firmly believes that the man should pay for everything regardless of whether she is working or not. If I were living in her place she would expect me to pay half if not all the bills. When we started going out this was not the case at all but it seems several of her friends have this sort of relationship.

We had a big discussion this morning about everything where it looks as if things will come to an end in the near future. I don't feel good about this but there's no point of us being miserable together. She said she would rather change her relationship than change her demands and I'm tired of arguing and rolling over.

davecon1

duchy wrote: »

I see another scenario

Dating for five years and at some point move in together when OP buys 4 bedroom home -she is not on the deeds but is paying towards bills whilst saving. They go on holiday together (and possibly also seperately)

She doesn't see the relationship going anywhere as after five years even though she has a deposit there is no talk of marriage, or her paying something to go on the deeds -and it's clear it is HIS house and nothing is likely to change. She starts to wonder if they have a future so buys a property as insurance/investment-only getting a lodger in so if things do go wrong she isn't homeless. She was married before so is aware how vunerable you can be when a couple living together split so buying the flat makes sense.

They break up (OP hasn't cited a reason or who dumped who but he went for counselling to discover reasons so maybe it was mutual or maybe she dropped him) she moves back to her own flat and some months later they get back together again -and things are fine until she is made redundant. She rents out flat to cover mortgage -and moves back with BF (or maybe she was already there 24/7 and renting the flat out was already decided between them) A few months later BF is also made redundant but he knows he is getting a good package and despite her not paying rent is still able to make overpayments on the mortgage but despite this makes her feel less than comfortable because he is asking for rent -(not a contribution to their living expenses or a suggestion that she covers certain bills but something akin to the arrangement he has with his brother who is renting a room in the same house-she presumably doesn't have her own room however)

Brother appears to be poking his nose into the situation -and telling OP what he should do-which probably isn't the greatest of ideas if she sees them living together as a committed couple and brother is percieved as telling OP to treat her more like a lodger and charge rent. GF is highly peeved as she feels undermined and got back with BF because she thought he wanted to be a couple and not a three way house share with brother commenting and partner listening to brother instead of treating brother as the lodger in their OP & GF) joint home.

GF is so fed up with BF and brother "ganging up" on her -in her eyes that she books a holiday to get away from them both !

Just another scenario - only the OP knows if there are some elements of truth in it -but I have wondered when the brother moved in and how much "influence" he has.

couple of points. I bought the place back in 2004- We got together in 2008 and she moved in a year later and paid towards the house. During that time my brother lived there and then after him a lodger for a year.

I will be receiving my redundancy at the end of this month but as yet do not know the value. To put into perspective she received about £15k from her job and I'm likely to receive £20k from mine. My plan is to pay off a chunk of the mortgage before renting the house out.

The idea was to go travelling but not until after summer. There was the option for me to move into her place and then rent that out. She said I would have to pay towards the bills etc and I didn't have a problem with that- job or no job.