Feeling trapped in relationship

lalaluna

Hi thanks for your replies. Its a joint tenancy, I spoke to someone from the council yesterday but she wasn't very helpful tbh. I'll phone shelter on Monday and i see my dv worker on Tuesday.


I'm currently sat here wondering if I'm in the wrong. There's been a bit of tension all week. OH has been glaring at me all week, I don't know why. It hasn't exactly helped that for two days running we were late from the school run, sinpky as they let thr kids out later than usual. They have hatched some chicks in eldests class and she has been bursting with excitement. All week long. Today her teacher said that as she has been asking to hold a chick for the past two days she can come back in and hold one. We were about 10 minutes late. I could see OH looking out the blind as we made our way to the door but completely. Ignored us when we got in. He asked where we had been and we explained. He then raised his voice saying 'im f***ing sick of this. You coming in late, you don't invite me along and leave me sitting here waiting for you, making me feel left out all the time'. He slammed a blanket on the sofa next to me and stomped upstairs. I couldn't see properly but i think he may have been in tears as he went up. He's still up there now.
I suppose I've given up asking him to come and get the girls from school as he always says no or you don't want me to come really and I guess ive just given up. Am I even supposed to invite him? Surely if you wanted to come along you'd just come along, its not like its at different times everyday.
It just feels like I'm constantly to blame for everything he his own actions or lack of actions in most cases. What do you think? Was it my fault tho time?

Mojisola

lalaluna wrote: »

I'm currently sat here wondering if I'm in the wrong.

You're not!

He asked where we had been and we explained. He then raised his voice saying 'im f***ing sick of this. You coming in late, you don't invite me along and leave me sitting here waiting for you, making me feel left out all the time'. He slammed a blanket on the sofa next to me and stomped upstairs. I couldn't see properly but i think he may have been in tears as he went up. He's still up there now.

It just feels like I'm constantly to blame for everything he his own actions or lack of actions in most cases.

He makes you feel as if you're to blame.

That's a very different thing from actually being in the wrong!

Honestly, he's an adult and he's behaving like a spoilt toddler!

There's no reason why you should get from school at a time he sets - you should feel free to chat to other people, go for a coffee with another Mum, stop at the playground or do whatever you want.

Reasonable adults don't give their adult partners rules that have to be followed!

lalaluna

Thanks Mojisola. I have said to him about the girls asking to go to the playground after school as we walk past one and he always says well you should tell them no they can go later but later never comes. He seriously expects us to stay inside all day even when the weather is lovely. The girls have very limited play in the garden and he doesn't seem to see why they should go out, he will then moan at them for being noisy and me for not taking them anywhere.


Sil has the girls tomorrow morning and now I'm dreading it. OH has been sleeping in until gone 1 everyday. He stays up and doesn't go to sleep until about 6am. Thing is I need to take a document to the council tomorrow. Its the latest I can take it and they are open until 12. I was thinking about just walking into town after the girls have gone, the whole trip will take about an hour but I'm unsure whether to. It has to be taken tomorrow, if I go and he wakes up he will want to know why I didn't wake him but i can almost guaranteee he wont get up even if I try and wake him..
I should just go anyway shouldn't I? It needs to be taken. This is what I really hate, the fact that I have to tiptoe round for everything. I need to just grow a pair and Stan up to him but I find it so hard. Not just because its not really in my character but because I'm scared of how he'll react.

Mojisola

lalaluna wrote: »

I should just go anyway shouldn't I? It needs to be taken.

This is what I really hate, the fact that I have to tiptoe round for everything. I need to just grow a pair and Stan up to him but I find it so hard. Not just because its not really in my character but because I'm scared of how he'll react.

Now that you know you're going to leave (you are, aren't you?), I don't think you should start standing up to him. Keep things as normal as possible at home while you make your plans to break free.

Controlling abusers can become very unpredictable if they think they are losing control over their victims.

RAS

lalaluna

Do you have anywhere at work that you can move paperwork to and store it? Maybe treasured items? Any chance of photocopying things there even if you are unable to remove them permanently?

Do you have your own bank account? If not you need to organise a basic bank account. There is no credit check so that your ex cannot see what you are doing.

lalaluna

RAS: I have my own bank account. My wages are paid into it. All other monies go into his account. My first months wages were spent, he stood over my shoulder and took the money from my account. I've since hidden my card. I have a notebook that I've put phone numbers, addresses and any online passwords in, it has a hidden pocket in the back cover which is where I've put my card. At least this way the money will stay in there. I've hidden this months bank statement so he doesn't know I've been paid, I've been telling him I haven't been paid yet whenever he asks.


I've put all important documents of mine and the girls in an envelope and hidden it in what I believe to be a safe place at home. I think he'd notice if I kept them in my bag.


The things I'm trying to sort out at the moment are an emergency bag and a phone. I've found a cheap basic phone at the nearest supermarket but the problem is I have no way to charge it and keep within easy reach without notice.
We have a medium size holdall under the bed and I've been thinking of things to put in it. I could put the documents in there, toothbrushes and I'm trying to find some basic clothes to put in which is proving a bit awkward as me and the girls are desperate for clothes . I cant fill the bag either as I don't have anywhere to put it and our bed is very low. I've been told not to leave anything at work as I can only access work during school hours and I may need these things at other times.


I walked into town after all this morning. OH still fast asleep. I was fine walking into town but I was sick with worry all the way back, only to find I was worrying for nothing. Girls won't be back till later so I'm going to try and relax for once.

BigAunty

lalaluna wrote: »

It just feels like I'm constantly to blame for everything he his own actions or lack of actions in most cases. What do you think? Was it my fault tho time?

What you should expect from a partner is that they you show you affection, support, love and respect and that children are bought up in a positive environment.

It serves his needs to keep you anxious and insecure as you are more likely to stick around if you feel sorry for him or are made to feel that your primary role is to appease his moods.

The confusion that he causes you means that he creates an effective and dramatic smokescreen so you feel you are at fault and he continues to merrily shun accepting responsibility for his poor actions and behaviour.

"I spoke to someone from the council yesterday but she wasn't very helpful tbh". Did you speak to someone about the terms of joint tenancy or to someone in the council dedicated to dealing with domestic abuse?

The reason I ask is that your tenancy agreement is simply a legal contract you have with the council and even if it involves housing benefit, your tenancy agreement has nothing to do with them and I doubt they offer an advice service to private tenants on this matter.

Have you specifically looked into the DV service offered by the council and spoke to their dedicated team?

lalaluna

At a loss with what to do. New tenancy agreement needs to be given in today. I've been reassured that by not signing it it automatically goes over to periodic and dv support worker has said not to sign it. Not signing is the easy bit. What on earth do I say to OH? He asked I I've signed it and I said no, I'm not sure about signing up for another year, there's a lot of work that needs doing to the property and I want to keep options open. His response was we can always ask to repaint (not the problem) and a year isn't really that long?! I've left for the school run without signing and he has got the grumps (nothing new there).
I have no idea what to do. If I put off signing it things between us are going to get even more sour. If I pretend to sign it and pretend to give it in OH is going to find out still. I have no idea what to do and I've come on here out of desperation

beckysbobbles1

I've read all of your post and I just wanted to see how you are?

Your OH sounds very similar (at times) to my late husband. The controlling behaviour will not get any better unless he seeks help and actually wants to change.

It sounds as though you are doing everything you can for you and your childrens future.

I just wanted to say best of luck and please use all of the services available to help you! Make sure your local council are aware of your situation and they can help.

Take care xxx

Mojisola

lalaluna wrote: »

At a loss with what to do. New tenancy agreement needs to be given in today. I've been reassured that by not signing it it automatically goes over to periodic and dv support worker has said not to sign it. Not signing is the easy bit. What on earth do I say to OH? He asked I I've signed it and I said no, I'm not sure about signing up for another year, there's a lot of work that needs doing to the property and I want to keep options open. His response was we can always ask to repaint (not the problem) and a year isn't really that long?! I've left for the school run without signing and he has got the grumps (nothing new there).
I have no idea what to do. If I put off signing it things between us are going to get even more sour. If I pretend to sign it and pretend to give it in OH is going to find out still. I have no idea what to do and I've come on here out of desperation

Keep repeating the first answer you gave him. At some point you have to start making changes - this is a small step along the way.

So he's going to be grumpy - you're used to that, aren't you?

The alternative is to say you have signed which will give you some breathing space to get out of the relationship. Will he accept your word or want to see the paperwork?