Feeling trapped in relationship

tillyenna

There is nothing to feel ashamed about! Do you have an address where you could write to your mum? If not, you may have to wait a while until you can use your computer more freely - I don't know if Women's Aid could give advice on contacting her.


It's quite a "usual" thing for abusive partners to isolate their other half from their families, and you have nothing to be ashamed about - you've had your mind played with so you thought that you were doing the right thing, I'm sure your family will understand that! None of this is your fault - not even one little bit of it!

tayforth

lalaluna wrote: »

Re my mum, I'm not really sure how to go about contacting her. I don't have any contact details for anyone I my family, I could maybe try something like facebook further down the line but I'm a bit torn about this. Part of me wants to regain contact, there are family members who I really miss, and I sure they will be able to be supportive, but another part of me doesn't feel ready. There will be so many questions asked, possibly resentment and I don't know, I'm just not sure I ready.


My partner has never really liked my family. I'm not really sure why but I've gotten the impression several times that he looks down on them. I feel so ashamed that Im in this situation. So ashamed that I've been naive enough to turn away from people who have genuinely cared for me in favour for someone who convinced me I had to do everything his way for a relationship to work.

You don't have any contact details for any of your family? Extended family? You have no addresses, phone numbers, email addresses?

Your partner has likely isolated you from your family on purpose, in order to increase his control over you. Please don't feel afraid to contact them, they love you and will want to help and support you. I was totally ashamed that I was being treated so badly by my ex, I didn't tell anyone at all.

But I later realised that I had nothing to be ashamed of, and all my family and friends have been amazingly supportive since I spoke out about it xx

tayforth

tillyenna wrote: »

There is nothing to feel ashamed about! Do you have an address where you could write to your mum? If not, you may have to wait a while until you can use your computer more freely - I don't know if Women's Aid could give advice on contacting her.


It's quite a "usual" thing for abusive partners to isolate their other half from their families, and you have nothing to be ashamed about - you've had your mind played with so you thought that you were doing the right thing, I'm sure your family will understand that! None of this is your fault - not even one little bit of it!

Cross-posted Well said xx

lalaluna

Hi, sorry ive not been able to get on more. Only on here now as ive taken the girls to play outside for a little bit.


Tayforth: I don't have anyone's contact details unfortunately. I can remember my grandparents address but ive no idea if they're still there but its potentially an option?


Surrstart have assigned me a dv champion who I spoke to yesterday, she's arranged a meeting for me on Friday. Its just after I finish work so I'm going to havr to tell oh a porky about working late. I'm really nervous about this as there is definatly a tension at home.
He has been getting the hump over me being late from work (ive been finishing a bit late so I can do paperwork) and ive been a whole 5 minute's late from the school run for two days running. Its just awful, I feel like a criminal only I haven't done anything wrong.

brenda10

lalaluna wrote: »

Hi guys, I've been a lurker in the site for about a year and this is my first time posting, I just really need to talk to someone I feel so down.


I'm mid twenties and have been with my partner for 8 years, we have two children aged 4 &6.


Just before we got together my partners mother left his dad for another man, my partner has never spoken to me about this, he keeps everything to himself. I mention this as I think this might explain some of his behaviour.





we moved I together after about a year together. All the household bills and rent came out of my waged as I was earning the least, this swallowed up all my pay and I rarely had any money left over. Anything like clothing or furniture came out of his wages. This includes mobile phones which are all under his name. Looking back it doesn't make any sense but at the time it was fine.
shortly after we had our first child, as my wages were so low I couldn't afford childcare so it was agreed id stay home with her until she got funding for preschool and then I could return to work.. This is when things started to go wrong. Over the years, I've lost control of everything. I have no money, friends or family. I don't even know where my family are as they moved to a different county. My partner ofs very negative and controlling. I've known for a while that things aren't normal on our relationship but I have a habit of burying my head in the sand.


A little while back you might remember there was a couple of adverts on tv about abuse in relationships. Some of the behaviour on there was the same as my partners. I looked up abuse and while he's not violent, he seems to tick a hell of a lot of boxes for non physical abuse.
I know its my fault as I let it happen but I just stick up for myself. I hate confrontation and hate upsetting anyone but I cant stand being treated like I'm scum of the earth anymore.


He limits who I can see, wear and speak to. I have to have a good reason to go outside. The school run is timed, if he feels I'm late he demands to know why I'm late where I've been etc, its just awful..
he makes comments about my appearance and how i talk and act and I have no idea if the comments are genuine. They are always horrible but then I worry that there true and everyone else feels the same.


He lost his job a year ago, he got himself sacked and he never leaves the house. I'm certain he's depressed and his behaviour is getting worse. I recently got a part time job working 5 hours a week and he wants all my wages in his bank, it currently goes into mine as my aim is to to college so when our youngest starts school in September I can get back to work. If my wages go into his account I wont see a penny of it.


I feel like I have no where to go. No friends or family and my job is only for a couple of months and no where near enough to live on.
but there's an mental aspect as well. I feel so guilty about wanting to leave. I've had enough, I cannot go on living like this any more. I feel like a prisoner, everyday I'm tiptoeing round trying to do upset him and deep down I just want to get away and have a positive life for me and my girls. I'm so so miserable I cant take I anymore.


I'm sorry for any typos I'm using my phone and its not the easiest.
Thank you for reading this I know its long I just need to speak to someone.

Sounds all too familiar!!!!!!!!!!!!! Read all about Narcissists, see how many boxes you can tick.

brenda10

lalaluna wrote: »

Re my mum, I'm not really sure how to go about contacting her. I don't have any contact details for anyone I my family, I could maybe try something like facebook further down the line but I'm a bit torn about this. Part of me wants to regain contact, there are family members who I really miss, and I sure they will be able to be supportive, but another part of me doesn't feel ready. There will be so many questions asked, possibly resentment and I don't know, I'm just not sure I ready.


My partner has never really liked my family. I'm not really sure why but I've gotten the impression several times that he looks down on them. I feel so ashamed that Im in this situation. So ashamed that I've been naive enough to turn away from people who have genuinely cared for me in favour for someone who convinced me I had to do everything his way for a relationship to work.

Friends daughter had no communication for 3 years with family, husband turned her against them with lies, then daughter got in touch eventually when things became desperately bad, his family victimising her and life was hell, she left with £40 and her 2 year old child. My friend was broken hearted for 3 years but said she would not interfere as she could be blamed for the breakdown of the marriage, her daughter gave in to pride and returned, 3 years fast forward and she is no longer zombie like but a happier young woman, child goes 1 night week to so called father, I also know of a man abused by his wife and she walked out with his child, they are still in close contact after long court battles, his life is now free of a screaming, crazy wife, I witnessed her, I was in shock, he stuck her for 13 years too long, he has such freedom in mind and spirit now, You can do the same, he was ashamed and she even checked his mobile phone, controlled money everything, didn't allow him to go to bed until she did, it was horrendous abuse, he stayed because although he worked he reared their child as she preferred to go out and spend and socialise, she was instantly jealous of her child immediately after birth because she felt the spotlight wasn't on her, life was all about her, the child had took that place!!!. My advice get out of this relationship, it is not good for your children, your Mum will understand I hope. Take care.

BigAunty

lalaluna wrote: »

Tayforth: I don't have anyone's contact details unfortunately. I can remember my grandparents address but ive no idea if they're still there but its potentially an option?


.

You might be able to find them by paying a small fee to 192.com that has a search facility for names that reveals addresses from the electoral register. Try also BTs online directory. The Salvation Army also runs a tracing service.

double_mummy

thinking of you luna how are you doing x

lalaluna

Hi guys, I've been feeling a lot more positive lately which is a nice change. I've been telling myself several times a day that I'm doing the right thing and OHs constant glares and clock watching is a constant reminder.


I've not been able to get through to my dv champion at all yesterday or today so I hope you don't mind me coming on here.


I don't remember if I've already said this but our tenancy ends in just over a week and I'm stuck about what to do. We've been offered a new fixed term of 12 months but if I leave ill still have to pay until the contract ends and there's no way I can afford that. My instincts are telling me not to sign it and I'm not going to but this presents a problem. OH is going to ask why I'm not signing it. I'm not sure if it would be ok to ask if the landlord will change to contract to a month by month tenancy. Do you think that would be ok or would it reflect badly on us?.


I've been completely.torn on when to tell OH its over. Part of me wants to tell him now and get I over with. However I'm not sure if maybe I should wait until I have somewhere to go. I have no idea how he is going to react to me telling him I want out. Earlier in the year I said I wanted to leave but he started crying and I felt so awful i stayed put and have regretted it since. I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do

BigAunty

lalaluna wrote: »

I don't remember if I've already said this but our tenancy ends in just over a week and I'm stuck about what to do. We've been offered a new fixed term of 12 months but if I leave ill still have to pay until the contract ends and there's no way I can afford that. My instincts are telling me not to sign it and I'm not going to but this presents a problem. OH is going to ask why I'm not signing it. I'm not sure if it would be ok to ask if the landlord will change to contract to a month by month tenancy. Do you think that would be ok or would it reflect badly on us?.

There's nothing out of the ordinary for either tenants or landlords to ask either party not to sign a new tenancy agreement and let it roll-over into a periodic tenancy (which is what the month by month contract is known as). Some landlords prefer fixed, others periodic - they can't make you sign a new contract.

If you do go periodic, and assuming you are in England, they need to serve you with 2 months notice to end it, with the expiry period timed with the rental period. See the Shelter website to understand how periodic tenancies work or see the Scottish or welsh sites if you live there as the rules may be different.

EDIT - yes, you would have a liability towards the rent during the contract term,even if you no longer live in the property. Is the tenancy in your sole name or is it joint? A landlord can agree to an early surrender but they don't have to, if they do, they may also agree to a repayment plan to cover the void period if the property is empty until they find a new tenant.

Your DV worker can tell you your rights, obligations and options. Tenancy law is complex. You need expert advice.

lalaluna wrote: »

I've been completely.torn on when to tell OH its over. Part of me wants to tell him now and get I over with. However I'm not sure if maybe I should wait until I have somewhere to go. I have no idea how he is going to react to me telling him I want out. Earlier in the year I said I wanted to leave but he started crying and I felt so awful i stayed put and have regretted it since. I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do

Nobody can tell you what to do. I suggest you re-read the survivors handbook for advice or ask your DV worker when you speak to her. From memory, an abused woman is most vulnerable when she is planning to leave so I assume that means because her partner's reaction will be much more severe.

Of course, he would weep and make promises - it's classic behaviour that belongs to the controlling, manipulative behaviour of an abuser and yes, women often go through many cycles of giving them a 'last chance' before getting enough courage to follow it through by leaving.

I'll see if I can dig up more info on this area.