Feeling trapped in relationship

RAS

lalaluna wrote: »

I've been completely.torn on when to tell OH its over. Part of me wants to tell him now and get I over with. However I'm not sure if maybe I should wait until I have somewhere to go. I have no idea how he is going to react to me telling him I want out. Earlier in the year I said I wanted to leave but he started crying and I felt so awful i stayed put and have regretted it since. I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do

The most dangerous time in relationship breakdown is between one party telling the other it is over and one party learving the house. Do not tell OH that you want out until you leave. Preferably leave and then let him know. Pick up the kids from school and just go when the time comes.

With respect to the tenancy, if he asks, tell OH you have asked about going onto a rolling contract as that saves having to pay angency fees.

The big, big complication is that when you leave, if he stays, the tenancy continues and you remain liable for the rent. So once you go, let the LL know what is happening and maybe ask them to issue a S21 ASAP?

BigAunty

lalaluna wrote: »

I've been completely.torn on when to tell OH its over. Part of me wants to tell him now and get I over with. However I'm not sure if maybe I should wait until I have somewhere to go. I have no idea how he is going to react to me telling him I want out.

The Survivors Handbook on the Womens Aid website does contain information on how to make a safety plan to protect you and your children. Suggest you read this thoroughly as there are many useful points to it,including information you should try to gather, documents that you should pack and so forth.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=0001000100080004

Note that they write

"If you do decide to leave your partner, it is best if you can plan this carefully. Sometimes abusers will increase their violence if they suspect you are thinking of leaving, and will continue to do so after you have left, so this can be a particularly dangerous time for you."

BigAunty

lalaluna wrote: »

Earlier in the year I said I wanted to leave but he started crying and I felt so awful i stayed put and have regretted it since. I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do

Again, from the Womens Aid survivors handbook which may chime with you as to why you ended up staying despite your gut instincts. Be gentle with yourself - you would have been under enormous pressure to behave the way that you did and big changes can seem really stressful, even if you are miserable with the status quo. Good luck.

"Getting free from abuse is a long process: most women seek help from a number of sources, and may leave and return several times before they are able to make the final break.

One question that is often asked is: "Why didn't you leave?" or alternatively "Why did you stay so long?" If you haven't been in this situation yourself, leaving may seem the obvious answer. But there are all sorts of reasons why women stay with their abusers - and it is also important to know that leaving does not always end the abuse (and sometimes, at least for a time, it may get worse).

Women stay with their abusers because they still love them - or because they are terrified of the consequences: the abuser may threaten to harm or even kill his partner or the children if they leave.

Women may worry about losing their children - or they may feel that it is best for the children if they stay and
try to make their relationship work. They may be worried about practical issues: where can they go? Will they make themselves homeless? Where will they get money?

They may be worried about loneliness - particularly if their partners have isolated them from friends and family. Maybe their confidence
has been undermined so badly that they believe they couldn't cope alone, and lack the confidence to leave."

tayforth

lalaluna - re your tenancy. As far as I know, you can just move out on the last day of the tenancy, and that's it. Would you be able to do that, within a week? What about your OH? If not, you may have to go down the S21 route.

The advice on leaving is very important. Leaving is when you are at most risk.

BigAunty

tayforth wrote: »

lalaluna - re your tenancy. As far as I know, you can just move out on the last day of the tenancy, and that's it.

Hmmm. Not sure. OP needs expert advice. Yes, there's no requirement in law (in England anyhow) to give notice to end a fixed term tenancy, a tenant is free to simply move out on the final day (though lots of tenancy contracts try to compel the tenants to give notice to help the landlord know whether or not to find new tenants).

However, perhaps the tenancy still continues by virtue of the fact that the OPs partner remains in the property? It may very well automatically roll into a periodic tenancy, one where just one of the joint tenants needs to serve notice which applies to all.

But I recommend the OP checks out the position with someone like Shelter or her DV support worker on what happens to her tenancy when she leaves and the partner remains.

AFAIK, the tenancy continues if an occupant remains in situ.

RAS

BigAunty wrote: »

Hmmm. Not sure. OP needs expert advice. Yes, there's no requirement in law (in England anyhow) to give notice to end a fixed term tenancy, a tenant is free to simply move out on the final day (though lots of tenancy contracts try to compel the tenants to give notice to help the landlord know whether or not to find new tenants).

However, perhaps the tenancy still continues by virtue of the fact that the OPs partner remains in the property? It may very well automatically roll into a periodic tenancy, one where just one of the joint tenants needs to serve notice which applies to all.

But I recommend the OP checks out the position with someone like Shelter or her DV support worker on what happens to her tenancy when she leaves and the partner remains.

AFAIK, the tenancy continues if an occupant remains in situ.

The is exactly the problem that teawithmilk faced. Fortunately her ex was averse to getting advice so he took over the tenancy. He could have really made a mess if he had refused to take it over and just stayed there.

The OP needs some very very careful advice. The best option maybe to get the LL to serve and S21 if they will co-operate.

The Op needs advice from someone

zzzLazyDaisy

As I understand it, In a joint tenancy, it is sufficient for one of the joint tenants to give notice (in the proper form/way). The tenancy will then end unless the other tenant takes a new tenancy with the agreement of the LL.

A quick call to Shelter will confirm the situation.

tayforth

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

As I understand it, In a joint tenancy, it is sufficient for one of the joint tenants to give notice (in the proper form/way). The tenancy will then end unless the other tenant takes a new tenancy with the agreement of the LL.

A quick call to Shelter will confirm the situation.

If lalaluna gives notice, and moves out, and the ex doesn't, is she in any way liable for what happens after the date of the end of the tenancy? Beyond the loss of any deposit?

BigAunty

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

As I understand it, In a joint tenancy, it is sufficient for one of the joint tenants to give notice (in the proper form/way). The tenancy will then end unless the other tenant takes a new tenancy with the agreement of the LL.

.

Yes, one tenant serving notice in a joint tenancy ends the contract for all. I just worry a little about potential on-going liabilities when one of the joint tenants remains. Shelter will clarify. Perhaps a question for the Housing forum.

My understanding is that ending a tenancy requires that the tenant serves the correct notice and gives back possession of the property. I am not sure whether or not the OPs liability continues or not under those circumstances.

As an aside, I now have a memory of a female potential victim of domestic abuse on the benefits forum who was tricked into signing a tenancy agreement in her own name elsewhere by her ex who gave an excuse why he couldn't be there to sign it with her. She subsequently found out that he had already renewed the existing tenancy in their current property in his own name in order to remain there with his mistress. Oh, and he took the car, all his debts were in her name and he said he'd only visit the children in her new place if she handed over all the taxcredits. Charmer.

RAS

tayforth wrote: »

If lalaluna gives notice, and moves out, and the ex doesn't, is she in any way liable for what happens after the date of the end of the tenancy? Beyond the loss of any deposit?

Yes

Both parties remain liable for the rent whilst the property is not returned with vacant possession. Staying one minute into the rental period means paying the whole month's rent.

And legally the landlord can charge penalty rent (double the normal rent) if one party gives notice and then the tenants fail to vacate.

So it is important that ll does not give notice. If she can get the LL to issue a S21 notice then it would be much easier.