Feeling trapped in relationship

lalaluna

Hi guys, I've been a lurker in the site for about a year and this is my first time posting, I just really need to talk to someone I feel so down.


I'm mid twenties and have been with my partner for 8 years, we have two children aged 4 &6.


Just before we got together my partners mother left his dad for another man, my partner has never spoken to me about this, he keeps everything to himself. I mention this as I think this might explain some of his behaviour.


we moved I together after about a year together. All the household bills and rent came out of my waged as I was earning the least, this swallowed up all my pay and I rarely had any money left over. Anything like clothing or furniture came out of his wages. This includes mobile phones which are all under his name. Looking back it doesn't make any sense but at the time it was fine.
shortly after we had our first child, as my wages were so low I couldn't afford childcare so it was agreed id stay home with her until she got funding for preschool and then I could return to work.. This is when things started to go wrong. Over the years, I've lost control of everything. I have no money, friends or family. I don't even know where my family are as they moved to a different county. My partner ofs very negative and controlling. I've known for a while that things aren't normal on our relationship but I have a habit of burying my head in the sand.


A little while back you might remember there was a couple of adverts on tv about abuse in relationships. Some of the behaviour on there was the same as my partners. I looked up abuse and while he's not violent, he seems to tick a hell of a lot of boxes for non physical abuse.
I know its my fault as I let it happen but I just stick up for myself. I hate confrontation and hate upsetting anyone but I cant stand being treated like I'm scum of the earth anymore.


He limits who I can see, wear and speak to. I have to have a good reason to go outside. The school run is timed, if he feels I'm late he demands to know why I'm late where I've been etc, its just awful..
he makes comments about my appearance and how i talk and act and I have no idea if the comments are genuine. They are always horrible but then I worry that there true and everyone else feels the same.


He lost his job a year ago, he got himself sacked and he never leaves the house. I'm certain he's depressed and his behaviour is getting worse. I recently got a part time job working 5 hours a week and he wants all my wages in his bank, it currently goes into mine as my aim is to to college so when our youngest starts school in September I can get back to work. If my wages go into his account I wont see a penny of it.


I feel like I have no where to go. No friends or family and my job is only for a couple of months and no where near enough to live on.
but there's an mental aspect as well. I feel so guilty about wanting to leave. I've had enough, I cannot go on living like this any more. I feel like a prisoner, everyday I'm tiptoeing round trying to do upset him and deep down I just want to get away and have a positive life for me and my girls. I'm so so miserable I cant take I anymore.


I'm sorry for any typos I'm using my phone and its not the easiest.
Thank you for reading this I know its long I just need to speak to someone.

savingmummy

So sorry to hear this, I seriously don`t know how you`ve managed to stay put!

All the above isn`t right at all.
Your in a controlling, bullying relationship, you need to get out before your children suffer too!

There are help available womens shelter etc.
I know you have nowhere to go but if you call one of the help lines they will help you out and advise you.

CH27

Ring Women's Aid.
0808 2000 247

BigAunty

See the Womens Aid website and contact them for advice and support - they will let you know your options.

What you've outlined is quite classic and typical behaviour of emotional and financial control which is part of fairly common domestic abuse. Domestic abuse doesn't just involve violence.

You mention his family background and current depression - that may explain his behaviour but it doesn't excuse it. There is no excuse for domestic abuse, none. Once there is the slightest hint of a justification for inflicting suffering and a lack of respect, it's just a slippery slope to let the abuser off the hook.

You won't be able to stand up for yourself without the support of experts - he's thoroughly eroded your confidence and ensured you are totally dependent on him, socially, financially and so on.

Call Womens Aid. See your local council website for advice on their services for domestic abuse.

savingmummy

Just to let you know:

The womens aid Helpline number will not show up on BT landline phone bills.
If you have another service provider you will need to check with their customer services team.

tillyenna

Just to echo the advice that others have posted here wrt calling women's aid - but also to say well done for managing to post! That was a really strong thing of you to do, and you should be proud of yourself!

tayforth

lalaluna - well done on posting, you sound like a lovely person who just wants the best for her children and who is tired of walking on eggshells.

As BigAunty says, there may be reasons behind his behaviour, but there can be no excuses. He is a controlling bully, and this is absolutely 100% domestic abuse. You know that already, and we're confirming it.

Call Women's Aid, they have seen this kind of thing so many times before and they will help you. And I promise, life does get better (I know from experience).

Keep us posted. Big hugs to you xxx

couponqueen123

savingmummy wrote: »

Just to let you know:

The womens aid Helpline number will not show up on BT landline phone bills.
If you have another service provider you will need to check with their customer services team.

amazing advice/information i know some one who was asking this the other day and i had no idea is this defo true if so it may help some-one i know

shes not a direct friend but some one i know and would happily pass this info on if defo dosnt come up on bt bill:T

elledeesbeauty

I am so sorry to hear your story! I just want to say don't sit alone in silence, we are all here for you!
Also please don't blame yourself none of this is your fault, it's him. some great advice above I don't have any thing else too add except I'm here if a talk is needed
I hope this helps
xx

savingmummy

couponqueen123 wrote: »

amazing advice/information i know some one who was asking this the other day and i had no idea is this defo true if so it may help some-one i know

shes not a direct friend but some one i know and would happily pass this info on if defo dosnt come up on bt bill:T

Its actually on the FAQ`s on their website.
I know how some women are constantly being checked on so it is a thing to be wary of.

couponqueen123

savingmummy wrote: »

Its actually on the FAQ`s on their website.
I know how some women are constantly being checked on so it is a thing to be wary of.

thanks thanks thansk im going to print it off and give it to the person who still has contact to show her