Feeling trapped in relationship

lalaluna

Thank you so much for your responses. I'm limited as to when I can check back on here as he checks my phone and looks through my history. I've been deleting the history for this site as I dread to think what he'd say if he found out I have an account. This is exactly what I'm so tired of, just treading on eggshells all the time, I dread being ar home, especially alone with him its like waiting for a bomb to go off. My girls call me names as that's what daddy does and I really don't want them to think its ok to belittle people and be treated like a slave.


One of the things im really struggling with is guilt. I've tried telling him how I feel and he denys any of his behaviour and says its all me. He says things like how I'm the one who needs to be more affectionate, I'm the one being off with and just refuses to see what's wrong with saying things to upset me.


sorry for waffling, its just I don't have anyone else to talk to, I tried talking to a collegie and she Sai it was my fault.
I'm going to give women's aid a call tomorrow after I finish work. Does anyone know if it'll charge me to phone from a 3 network mobile? Its on a contract but that's all I know. I tried looking it up but the site said 0p a call and 15p a minute sorry if I'm being dim I'm clueless with this sort of thing.

tayforth

lalaluna wrote: »

Thank you so much for your responses. I'm limited as to when I can check back on here as he checks my phone and looks through my history. I've been deleting the history for this site as I dread to think what he'd say if he found out I have an account. This is exactly what I'm so tired of, just treading on eggshells all the time, I dread being ar home, especially alone with him its like waiting for a bomb to go off. My girls call me names as that's what daddy does and I really don't want them to think its ok to belittle people and be treated like a slave.


One of the things im really struggling with is guilt. I've tried telling him how I feel and he denys any of his behaviour and says its all me. He says things like how I'm the one who needs to be more affectionate, I'm the one being off with and just refuses to see what's wrong with saying things to upset me.


sorry for waffling, its just I don't have anyone else to talk to, I tried talking to a collegie and she Sai it was my fault.
I'm going to give women's aid a call tomorrow after I finish work. Does anyone know if it'll charge me to phone from a 3 network mobile? Its on a contract but that's all I know. I tried looking it up but the site said 0p a call and 15p a minute sorry if I'm being dim I'm clueless with this sort of thing.

I'm sorry that your colleague said such an awful thing to you, but she is wrong. It is not your fault at all.

I was in an abusive marriage until this time last year. Same as you, I was on eggshells all the time, dreaded being at home, no confidence, totally miserable all the time, my feet dragged when I walked and I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. But I managed to escape, and my life has turned around completely. I'm so happy now.

This is my thread. Read the first few pages, and then the last few pages. See the difference?

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4538789

BigAunty

This is what the WA say about on telephone costs and whether or not their number shows up on landlines.

Will the number show up on my phone bill?
The Helpline number will not show up on BT landline phone bills. If you have another service provider you will need to check with their customer services team.
Is it free from a mobile?
Unfortunately calls are not free from any mobile but the Helpline is a freephone number from any landline or public telephone. Calls to the Helpline made on Orange, Virgin and 3 networks do not show up on your phone bill. Other networks are also working towards this, but you will need to check with their customer services team if you are concerned.


Don't forget the WA site lists local services and other sources of help, too. Find help locally link:-

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100080006&sectionTitle=Find+help+locally

Also, don't forget to review your local council website to determine the support services they have in place. I assume local council support is a postcode lottery and varies from place to place but in my city, support is strong with a 24/7 helpline, case workers assigned and a stock of furnished flats for domestic abuse victims to move into at short notice, for example.

The Shelter website (Shelter is an accommodation advice charity) will also have info that can help you. Both WA and Shelter make clear that a local council is obliged by law to provide housing to women who leave their home due to domestic abuse so do look up Shelter and your local council homelessness webpage to understand the application process and your rights.

http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/domestic_abuse

http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/homelessness/whats_your_situation/homeless_due_to_domestic_violence_or_abuse

The WA site has a pdf document called 'Survivors Handbook' (link provided). The response you outlined of your partner to you trying to discuss your unhappiness is a very common one in the armoury of control and manipulation techniques that domestic abusers use.

"Denial: saying the abuse doesn’t happen; saying you caused the
abusive behaviour; being publicly gentle and patient; crying and
begging for forgiveness; saying it will never happen again."

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=0001000100080004

It is a great shame that after the courage you generated to discuss your situation with a colleague, she had no empathy. What you are experiencing is generally a hidden problem that many people are ignorant about. She will have no real insight into the extensive, lengthy pressures that you've been put under and the impact of these on you.

As for the guilt you experience, that is also a typical response from a victim whose thought processes and behaviour has been trained by the abuser to feel shame and blame for their situation, made to be helpless and impotent in order to keep them closeby.

The handbook says "The abuser is always responsible for the violence, and should be held accountable.There is no excuse for domestic violence and the victim is never responsible for the abuser’s behaviour. ...

“Blaming the victim” is something that abusers will often do to make excuses for their behaviour, and quite often they manage to convince their victims that the abuse is indeed their fault. This is part of the pattern and is in itself abusive. Blaming their behaviour on someone else, or on the relationship, their childhood, their ill health, or their alcohol or drug addiction is one way in which many abusers try to avoid personal responsibility for their behaviour.

You cannot stop your partner's violence and abuse: only they can do that. But there are things you can do to increase your own and your children's safety."

zzzLazyDaisy

"One of the things im really struggling with is guilt. I've tried telling him how I feel and he denys any of his behaviour and says its all me. He says things like how I'm the one who needs to be more affectionate, I'm the one being off with and just refuses to see what's wrong with saying things to upset me."

OP, googe 'gaslighting' and 'narcissism' and see how many signs you identify with. That's not to say your man is either a gaslighter or a narcissist, but if the more your man exhibits these traits, the more certain you can be that you are NOT going mad, and you ARE in an abusive relationship (it is not always as obvious as it should be, to the person in the relationship).

Here are a couple of links - I just picked them at random, but they may provide a starting point for you:

http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/159299/10_signs_your_man_is

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/01/05/how-do-you-recover-from-dating-a-narcissist/

Dx

BigAunty

I've never heard of the term Gaslighting before so I looked it up in Wikipedia and the following quote leapt out at me with regards to the OP.

'"in gaslighting cases...[her] ability to resist depends on her ability to trust her own judgments."

That seems so perceptive - of course, a person cannot change their circumstances if someone is intentionally undermining their opinions and making them feel their instincts and responses are false! If their thoughts are dismissed, then they start to doubt them. If they have doubts, they will be paralysed when it comes to making decisions and taking action.

Brilliant concept to explain why someone experiencing abuse will be told that anything they feel or observe that is different from their abuser is wrong. Of course, their thoughts and feelings are going to be sabotaged by them being told they are falsely held!

tillyenna

Feeling guilty is perfectly normal in these kinds of situations - it doesn't mean you are in the wrong, guilt is a complex beast - so don't feel bad about feeling guilty! Secondly - good work on deciding to call women's aid! That's a great decision to have made, and you've done really well to make it :-)

his_missus

I have no experience of this personally but a friend of mine left her physically abusive husband about 18 months ago. She took her son out to the park on morning after a fight and just didn't/couldn't go back home. She had nothing but the clothes they were wearing and £5 in her purse. A local woman's refuge took her in, helped her out. now 18 months later, she is rebuiling her life. Her ex does not know where she is (not for the want of trying) and her son is the happiness boy I've ever met.

I suppose what I want to say is that, it may not seem like it, there is a way out if that's what you want.

Take care xx

spender

Ok Domestic Abuse takes many forms, people think it is just physical assault but it covers all angles and you have stated a classic case. Dependent upon where you live you can also contact others apart from Woman's Aid (who are excellent). If you do the school run could you possible ask for assistance at the school? The school would be very discreet but should be able to point you to your nearest IDVA service (independent Domestic Violence Advocate). Apart from clearing your history clear your flash cookies as well if you can (because clearing your history will not clear these). Don't forget local agencies would be willing to meet you anywhere to assist. Another option is to make a doctors appointment and seek help there.

I think you have come to the stage when you realise that this behaviour is not correct. Just remember the problem does NOT lie with you, even if you are told a thousand times that it is your behaviour that is the problem. And without counselling and assistance his behaviour will not change.

I take it also that you do not automatically log in when you sign into MSE? I would make sure that I log out of the site every time.

You are amongst friends here despite being anon amongst the internet.

lalaluna

Hi again, I really shouldn't be posting this late, I have so many thoughts pinging round my head im not sure ill get any sleep if I don't write it down.


After talking myself out of it several times I did get round to calling women's aid on Friday morning. I'm really glad I did though, the lady I spoke to was ever so lovely and I now feel like there really is a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere. I picked youngest up from preschool straight after only I burst into tears as soon as her teacher said hello to me. The preschool is where I work so the staff are also my coworkers. They were really supportive and refered me to a sure start centre next door and I should be meeting someone next week who can provide some more help. Thing is, I'm a little torn about how I feel about this. Not the sure start thing,but the crying in front of my coworkers. I couldn't help myself, I'm not even sure why I cried, I suppose it was just being able to fully express myself to women's aid and be taken seriously for a change that Brough it on. I was properly sobbing and shaking and generally making a mess of myself but I'm not sure how to face them on Monday. I actually feel like I've made a fool of myself. I'm not sure what to think to be honest.


Sorry I think this post is going to be another long one.


Fast forward to today. I'm just plodding along like nothings going on.i don't feel anything any more. Just numb. This evening we went out for a meal with OH family as its his sisters birthday. OH was grumbling beforehand, critiscing me and generally putting me on edge. I spent the majority of the meal wondering what on earth I'm going to tell his family when I do leave. They know he's grumpy and is depressed but I have no idea how to tell them the truth. Its been weighing on my mind a lot when I probably. Shouldn't be worrying about that just yet. That's one thing.
Now for the last. In my first post I said about not knowing. Where my family are, this is true and I've often found myself wondering whether once in away and found my feet whether to try and reconnect with them. They can be quite negative, overbearing and judgmental but maybe that's what families are supposed. To be like? I've always felt like a burden to my mum, after I moved out my mum never made an effort to contact me, it was all me and we drifted apart. Well anyway, I still cant believe this, as we were getting ready to leave the restaurant I went to the toilet. On my way I felt a tap on my shoulder, turned round and my mum was stood there! She hugged me said she loved me and that she always thinks of me and offered to buy me a drink. I declined and expained I was on my way to the ladies where I hid for about 5 minutes trying to stop myself shaking. I didn't see her after that, I'm partly relieved as my partner would have flipped if he found out I spoke to her, and again I've no idea what to think. I've not seen her for about 4 years and spent so many more than that convinced she didn't love me and then out of the blue she appears and then disappears, I did look round for her but couldn't see her. I definatly did not imagine it.


So yeah, sorry for waffling on and on, you probably think I'm a loiny but if I keep it in I think ill go crazy. Trying to make sense of my thoughts.

lalaluna

Blimey I really am sorry for all the typos, I can only post using my phone and its a bit awkward, I think its the internet browser?