Feeling trapped in relationship

BigAunty

lalaluna wrote: »

Ive turned my phone.off now.but.before i did Sil had left me a voicemail in tears saying shes worried about us. I sent her a text to reassure her the girls are safe and ill contact her when im ready and she replied freaking out saying ive done a runner with the girls and i.should just let her collect the girls and look after them while i sort myself out..

And so the game continues - shutting down responses to him made him broaden his attack by proxy, through his sister, and that was after your FIL also interfered.

It is a typical, common and classic thing for an abuser to do whatever they can to influence the relationship and to appear to people outside the domestic setting as a nice person. From the Womens Aid site

"Since abusers typically display different kinds of behaviours in public than they do in their private relationships, most people are not usually aware of domestic violence when it is happening in their community. Sometimes, it is difficult to believe that a person who behaves so respectably in public can behave so appallingly with their family. This can
sometimes make it even more difficult for women who are trying to reach out for support, as they may feel that they will not be believed when they speak out about the violence. "

It's good that you can see it for what it is - another pressure tactic.

Your relationship with him and your children is a personal and private matter - look what happened when your FIL gave advice to your ex?

The less tentacles that try to wrap themselves round you, the better. You don't owe her any explanation - would you ever text her out the blue with accusations about how she runs her life?

As you were warned, his tactics will widen and escalate. One statement that really chimes on the Womens Aid site is how addicted the abuser is to controlling their partner.

"Domestic violence is about gaining control, not a lack of control. If an abuser is careful about when, where and to whom they are abusive to, then they are showing sufficient awareness and knowledge about their actions to indicate they are not “out of control”.

Abusers use violence and tactics of coercion as a way of exercising control and getting what they want. "

It is second nature to him, like breathing or eating. It's virtually an automatic response to the situation due to the level of jealousy and possessiveness he has. He is trapped in a pattern.

Remember that he has no employment, no commitments,no child care responsibilities, no other focus - he can devote himself 100% to sabotaging your freedom and happiness. Don't be surprised by his persistence and creativity when it comes to trying to get you back under his thumb.

BigAunty

lalaluna wrote: »

Id understand if it was post as he opened all my post but he text me about an hour and a half after i changed it?

.

Very sinister.

Here is a practical guide to cyberstalking, how online, PC and mobile usage can be compromised by abusive people. This may shine a light on how he may have been able to perhaps intercept that banking email, if that is how he learned of your change of address request with them.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=00010001000800010001&sectionTitle=Keeping+yourself+safe

Perhaps he knew your password or installed spyware or you left your email logged in on the PC at home?

Note that on another thread by another user on this forum, they belated found that their partner had installed a tracking app on her phone and therefore knows whereever she goes from the comfort of his PC.

Is it possible that your mobile phone is compromised by a tracking app?

lalaluna

Tayforth: they have been texting the old number, ive got a.new sim and phone and.the old one is switched off.

The old phone was swotched on earlier, i think i may have put it on by accident when i moved it. I did read a text from sil who has been asking to speak to the girls but while i appreciate she may be.concerned i cant trust what she may say to the girls, and to me it dossnt seem fair on the girls? Ive put the phone away in a draw out of sight out of mind.

Spoke to a solicitor today, i honestly had no idea id see one this soon. The solicitor is applying for legal aid for me.so they can apply for an injunction and residence. I need to write a statement tonight. In the back of my mind im a.bit worried that as ive left home and am now in a refuve and will be.on benwfits that OH will use all that against me. The inlaws, fil in particular, all have well paid jobs, a house he owns and a close family so in comparison it doesnt really look too good on me. I dont really have any evidence so surely its going to.come down to his word vs mine?

tayforth

Please don't worry. He can't use it against you. You're in a refuge because of his abusive behaviour. You don't need to fear him any more. As for being on benefits and your in-laws' relative affluence, that has no bearing on anything. You will be protected and your children will stay with you.

It's good that you've seen a solictor - I'm very proud of you. You're taking positive steps.

Well done on putting the old phone away. You don't need to speak to your in-laws, and in fact it's best if you don't for the time being.

Do you need any assistance with wording your statement? If you like, we can offer help (but please feel free to tell us to mind our own business) xx

RAS

lalaluna wrote: »

Spoke to a solicitor today, i honestly had no idea id see one this soon. The solicitor is applying for legal aid for me.so they can apply for an injunction and residence. I need to write a statement tonight. In the back of my mind im a.bit worried that as ive left home and am now in a refuve and will be.on benwfits that OH will use all that against me. The inlaws, fil in particular, all have well paid jobs, a house he owns and a close family so in comparison it doesnt really look too good on me. I dont really have any evidence so surely its going to.come down to his word vs mine?

lalaluna

The courts are used to seeing this sort of thing. They are most likely to think that a mother who is desparate enough to move out of a nice house into a refuge is not doing it for fun? And would only do it if she is really pushed.

You will have colleagues who could tell the court about him sitting outside work?

Your bank accounts make it quite clear who has been the earner so far. And who has been funding the family.

I suspect that the kid's school will be aware that they rarely go out when not at school and may have noticed your nervousness when you are late?

They will recognise that with a bit of time and space you can provide a good home for the children where they have more freedom and fun than when they lived with you together.

BigAunty

lalaluna wrote: »

I need to write a statement tonight. In the back of my mind im a.bit worried that as ive left home and am now in a refuve and will be.on benwfits that OH will use all that against me. The inlaws, fil in particular, all have well paid jobs, a house he owns and a close family so in comparison it doesnt really look too good on me. I dont really have any evidence so surely its going to.come down to his word vs mine?

Against you how? In his defence against the Injunction or custody for the children, for example?

You do have proof - texts full of apologies and promises, his admittance about knowing you contacted your bank which is a private matter, bank statements that show you were the breadwinner but he was the main spender.

Also, many legal matters are based on probability and do come down to He Said/She Said.

Professionals associated with domestic abuse matters are well aware how abusers hide their tracks to avoid their behaviour from being detected. For example, a friend of mine used to work for a domestic violence support service where some of the abusers would actually pretend to be victims of abuse in order to try and deflect blame, or as an act to intimidate their partners.

Either way, note that around 50% of the population live in rented accommodation and the majority of the population claim benefits (from child benefit through to tax credits, council tax discount and then state pensions).

Property tenure and benefit entitlement are just irrelevant for legal matters. For example, foster parents who live in rented property and claim benefits have absolutely no barriers to getting placements.

bellevie

It will not go against you at all, you are a good role model for your children just by the fact you got yourself out of a potentially dangerous situation.
Your children are clean, healthy and will be when you get some money together well dressed, happy, doing well at school. They will be able to go to the park whenever you wish, they will be for the first time in a long time, able to just be children.

He controlled the money to the point your children desperately needed new clothes, your children were not allowed to be children in their own home. That does not make a loving dad, and his threats to you re never seeing your children again if you dared leave - I wouldn't risk going anywhere near him.

Keep every text, email voicemail - incase you should ever need it. I would advise to stop replying now, hopefully the solicitor will specify that any contact he wants should be direct through them.

Not sure if you have started making any calls yet, you should get child benefit transferred to your account, tax credits. If its currently being paid to him, might be worth explaining the situation - to the tax credits team, incase he tries to get them switched back to him.

Might be worth, if you can setting up a fresh bank account if you cant work out how he knew re the address change. Start saving now whilst you are waiting for your new home. - don't worry about everything you need, there are special grants available to assist people in a crisis, which should help you get some basics. Most councils also have a shop or connection to some kind of shop where furniture, household goods are sold really really cheap, specifically for people who need the items.

He will be panicking because:
1) he has lost his control - you will see a pattern in his messages, beg forgiveness, promise to change, the guilt attack - 'I cant cope without you, you are destroying me, you are not being fair', anger 'I will make you pay, I will take the children everyone will know what an unsuitable mother you are etc - these will go round and round in a pattern - as it will be his desperate attempt at finding a way to get you back under his control - even by getting you to move back - you will have submitted to him - he will let you think you are in control, until his strength grows.

2) Without you the housing benefit will decrease, no tax credits, no child benefit. You and the children are his source of income.

3)He will be furious that he didn't see this coming, that you weren't far enough under his control to be too scared to leave.

4)His cover is almost blown, people will start to see him for what he is.

When you start to have second thoughts, think about this: If he knew he had done wrong, and accepted it, he would accept your right to space with no pressure on you to do anything. He would have come clean to his family and be begging for any help he can get to prove to you this is not who he is.
His family don't know what he has done, or why you have left, which suggests to me although he may 'accept responsibility' in his emails/texts - it has no meaning. He is trying to find a way in to make you see his reasoning. You will be painted to his family as unstable, 'not right in the head' and whatever else - hence his mum telling you to bring the kids to her whilst you sort yourself out. That's not the actions of someone who is sorry, who is willing to do whatever it takes.

There will be some dark days ahead in the sense that you will doubt yourself, you will be scared about the uncertainty - but no matter what happens try to remember a little of that pain you felt, your children's fear of being too noisy, your heart pounding on the walk home from school dreading turning the key in the lock, just as a warning to yourself what you would face if you returned. And most of all, for every trip to the park you take with your children, take in their smiles as a constant reminder you are doing this for them aswell as yourself.

I hope you stay strong, and I wish you lots and lots of luck for the future ♥

tayforth

^^^ This is an absolutely brilliant post. I wish I could thank it 100 times.

dandy-candy

It's very important you keep all the text messages and voicemails you receive from him, they may be of use in your case. How are the girls coping?

teawithmilk

Hi Lalaluna, I am so pleased to hear you are OK and that things are moving quickly. That is why WA are so fantastic- they get things moving for you quickly and put you in touch with exactly the right people. The solicitors they use will be well used to dealing with these situations and will be the best at getting the right outcome for you.

I cant add anything to the brilliant posts above.

But just to say one thing, and that is to emphasise that you will be believed. Think about it...who would deliberately remove themselves to arefuge with their children if they were not desperate. once everything comesout you will find that there are so many people (sometimes complete strangers) who will want to help you. In 12 months time, like me, you will just feel so much better. It's lke coming out of a horrible dark tunnel.


You are so brave, hang in there.

Tea xxxxx