Feeling trapped in relationship

lalaluna

His last text was 'il give you.space, ive told ypu you can stay here and ill go to my dads fpr a bit'
Ive been thinking if its was the case.and i went back as its joint tenancy i dont think i have.any rights in keeping him out the house do i?
Im not responding to any of his messages, i just cant be doing
with it today

imho

Why on earth are you even thinking of going back? He is never going to change.
Give yourself breathing space of a few months and see how you feel then.

tayforth

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

If you go back chances are he will lock you down even tighter than you were before. You escaped? Maybe this time he'll take your phone, stop you using the internet, take your keys....maybe worse. Maybe stop you leaving the house entirely.

And your kids will see it all.

Stay free, if only for your kids.

And please stop responding to his texts.

^^ This.

He *will* step up the control. Each time I gave my ex a chance, he was all charm for a short time, and then he became worse than before. Your ex has been controlling where you go and whom you see. It really frightens me to think where he could go from there.

Please, first of all, stop responding to his texts. You will never 'win' with an abuser, they have an answer for everything. They will make you doubt yourself.

Change your number if you have to.

millysg1

Don't let him know where you are. As soon as you go back home he knows where he can find you (and the kids). Even if he is living at his dads, that wont stop him coming round, banging on the door, begging you to take him back. It will be A LOT harder to ignore him then and not respond, especially if your girls can hear him. stay where you are, keep your location anonymous and use a mediation service when it eventually comes to him being able to see the children.

I know you would love to go back home, for yourself and the children, but I just see it getting a lot worse if you do.

Sounds like he doesn't really understand and is just saying the usual abuser words to get you back in his control, which includes getting you to move back while he (temporarily) moves to his dads. That gives him more control back as he will know where you are.

Do you think he might turn up at school (or work) at drop off and pick up to see you?

BigAunty

lalaluna wrote: »

His last text was 'il give you.space, ive told ypu you can stay here and ill go to my dads fpr a bit'
Ive been thinking if its was the case.and i went back as its joint tenancy i dont think i have.any rights in keeping him out the house do i?
Im not responding to any of his messages, i just cant be doing
with it today

His dad won't have him because of his behaviour - his own flesh and blood, you said so yourself. You already know this. It is a lie.

As a joint tenant, he can take up residency whenever he likes and there is no way to exclude him other than through the stressful occupational order/injunction route. You already know this. Please separate the guilty feelings you have between ending the relationship and losing your home, don't conflate them. You are probably missing your home comforts and are unsettled by such a big move.

4 days ago, you bought a new SIM in anticipation that he would mount a campaign to get you back. You knew this but didn't swap over the sim card. Do yourself a favour and switch over the SIM, stop emailing and take a break from this toxic, imbalanced relationship.

The reason that he sounds convincing in his promises is because they are sincerely made - the regret may actually be genuine but its perhaps more about what you are gaining rather than what he is losing that has most spooked him - freedom of movement, freedom of thought, freedom to spend your money as you see fit, to speak to who you like when you like.

His meal ticket, the person that puts a roof over his head, who obeyed his every dictat that made him feel so special has upped and left - he needs to start fending for himself and he doesn't like it.

The fact is that the attitude that he has that you are inferior is deeply embedded and will re-emerge. There is no excuse for the way he has behaved but he does wrongly believe that factors outside of his control caused his poor behaviour to you - that's an alarm bell. He gives the appearance of taking responsibility for why you left but largely, he truly believes it wasn't his fault.

If you return, you could expect a period of contrition, attention and good behaviour. Then it will vanish. He knows all your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, he deepened them in the period that you are with him, rendering you dependent on him, forever trying not to put him into a mood when in fact, he could have chosen to treat you with respect and love.

Change the SIM, give yourself a break. Of course, he's persuasive, he's spent years convincing you black is white - that shutting yourself away from contact with others, letting him spend the household money, is the way a partner should show their love. How warped is that?

BigAunty

How are you getting on trying to trace your family? In a normal relationship, a partner would encourage contact and socialising, befriend the in-laws. Remember that.

You also observed that you had few friends - have you considered how to make new friends and renew some older friendships? You can now go for a coffee with anyone you like without having to look over your shoulder or justify yourself.

This is your chance to have a normal family and social life - not the one you had with your partner who exploited you financially and controlled you from the moment you moved in with him 7 years ago and the bizarre one he has with his father who is happy to see him estranged from his loved ones but won't let him step over his threshold.

Each time you make a purchase, go out of the front door whenever you like, freely text, email and browse online, speak to someone in public, etc, remind yourself that this was previously impossible. He made these normal daily acts into feats that challenged his authority, making them into subversive acts. Consciously celebrate each bit of freedom. Focus on what you have, not what you have given up.

BigAunty

You probably feel very alone as online support isn't the same as having friends and family round you. Being on your own is a very new experience - you moved in with your partner at a very young age and probably don't have much experience of independent living anyway.

I've posted this link from the debt free wanabee board from someone who recently left their partner and has coped with the feelings of alienation that you have outlined. About 3 weeks on and she doesn't now regret her decision.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4963036

teawithmilk

Hi Lalaluna, I dont have time to write a long message but just checking in and so glad to see you are OK. I dont know if I ever mentioned it (or maybe I was ashamed to) on my own saga/thread....but I left my husband years ago for a period of about two weeks. He begged and pleaded for me to come back, said he would change, give up drinking, give me every penny he earned, etc.

Half of his promises I didnt even want but he seemed willing to promise me the earth so I would go back. So I did. Because I felt so unsure,just like you are doing now....And he did give up drinking and started treating me with kid gloves- for only about 2 months, then he slipped back into his old ways. I remember one of the few wise friends I had at the time who I had confided in, shook her head and said that it was very rare for a person to change that much permanently, that he would slip back to the way he always was because that was his natural way of being, and that someone who had that type of domineering nature would have to work REALLY HARD and even get counselling to do so. He never did even contemplate counselling or anger management or anything. I ended up staying in the relationship for much longer than I should and a little part of me was ALWAYS angry and ashamed of myself (you know that little voice you get in your head!) that I hadnt had the balls to carry through leaving him. Until something gave me the strength to do it, finally last year....but I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had done it sooner and stuck to my guns...basically all I got for staying with him longer was a few years of living in the same miserable state, regretting not being strong enough to carry it through. You are bound to have doubts. We are all here for you. xx

tayforth

teawithmilk wrote: »

Hi Lalaluna, I dont have time to write a long message but just checking in and so glad to see you are OK. I dont know if I ever mentioned it (or maybe I was ashamed to) on my own saga/thread....but I left my husband years ago for a period of about two weeks. He begged and pleaded for me to come back, said he would change, give up drinking, give me every penny he earned, etc.

Half of his promises I didnt even want but he seemed willing to promise me the earth so I would go back. So I did. Because I felt so unsure,just like you are doing now....And he did give up drinking and started treating me with kid gloves- for only about 2 months, then he slipped back into his old ways. I remember one of the few wise friends I had at the time who I had confided in, shook her head and said that it was very rare for a person to change that much permanently, that he would slip back to the way he always was because that was his natural way of being, and that someone who had that type of domineering nature would have to work REALLY HARD and even get counselling to do so. He never did even contemplate counselling or anger management or anything. I ended up staying in the relationship for much longer than I should and a little part of me was ALWAYS angry and ashamed of myself (you know that little voice you get in your head!) that I hadnt had the balls to carry through leaving him. Until something gave me the strength to do it, finally last year....but I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had done it sooner and stuck to my guns...basically all I got for staying with him longer was a few years of living in the same miserable state, regretting not being strong enough to carry it through. You are bound to have doubts. We are all here for you. xx

Thank you for sharing that story, TWM.

It goes without saying, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. On the contrary, you should be very, very proud. You made the break permanently in the end, that's the main thing. :A

I reckon it's a rare woman in this situation who gets away and stays away first time. Manipulators are experts at persuading you to stay, and you don't want to act in haste (oh, the guilt). I know I gave my ex more chances than he deserved, he talked me round quite a few times.

But we made it.

BigAunty

teawithmilk wrote: »

... he seemed willing to promise me the earth so I would go back. So I did. Because I felt so unsure,just like you are doing now....And he did give up drinking and started treating me with kid gloves- for only about 2 months, then he slipped back into his old ways. I remember one of the few wise friends I had at the time who I had confided in, shook her head and said that it was very rare for a person to change that much permanently, that he would slip back to the way he always was because that was his natural way of being, and that someone who had that type of domineering nature would have to work REALLY HARD and even get counselling to do so. ....

Womens Aid have a pdf document (Domestic Violence FAQ) which outlines the theory of male privilege. It seems like quite a dry, academic and even old fashioned concept but it explains why the power imbalance, the need to dominate, the feeling that their poor behaviour is the right behaviour, the sense of entitlement to controlling their partner, is deeply entrenched.

Their desire to subjugate their partner is as natural to them as breathing. The type of behaviour that they indulge in that many people see as repugnant and criminal is second nature to them, they have no insight, no kind of moral compass, that allows them to see it in its true light. To them, their partners are weak, inferior and are there to serve their needs.

Time and time again in the abusive relationships we see reported on this forum, the abuser spends their time and the household money how they like and won't lift a finger round the house because it is what they believe they deserve.

"Perpetrators of domestic violence choose to behave abusively to
get what they want and gain control. Their behaviour often originates from a sense of entitlement which is often supported by sexist, racist, homophobic and other discriminatory attitudes. In this way, domestic violence by men against women can be seen as a consequence of the inequalities between men and women, rooted in
patriarchal traditions that encourage men to believe they are entitled to power and control over their partners....Research shows that violent men are most likely to perpetrate violence in response to
their own sexual jealousy and possessiveness; their demands for domestic services; and in order to demonstrate male authority"

teawithmilk wrote: »

He never did even contemplate counselling or anger management or anything.

You may be referring to counselling for him rather than relationship/couples counselling.

However, for the sake of the OP or any other future readers of this thread who may need help and support, couples counselling is a no-no - Womens Aid do not recommend couples counselling for abusive relationships. For the following reasons, they think its ultimately unproductive. I imagine many abusive partners offer to attend counselling in order to get their victim back in the fold but the experts think it is a waste of time.

"Couple counselling or mediation may sometimes be seen as a way of addressing the issue. However, there are some significant problems with this type of approach. Firstly, there is a risk to the woman’s safety: asking her to discuss the violence with the perpetrator present may lead to later reprisal. Secondly, the approach itself assumes
that the woman is in some way responsible or capable of altering the perpetrator’s behaviour. Thirdly, it is unlikely to be successful, since the victim will feel unable to disclose her real feelings.

Women’s Aid therefore does not support the use of couple counselling or mediation in situations where domestic violence has occurred. Instead, we suggest that abusers who want to try to change their behaviour attend a perpetrator programme that meets Respect service standards."