Feeling trapped in relationship

teawithmilk

Big Aunty, you are quite correct and thanks for that warning. I should have been clearer and did not mean to mislead on such a serious topic.

I would never have suggested couple counselling to him as deep down I know he would have been too proud or resistant to go- because my Ex never believed that there was anything wrong with his behaviour.

I meant anger management or counselling for himself. I did suggest at the time that that he went to the GP for his drinking and sought some help. But when he was making all his promises he said that he could sort it out himself. So I didn't dare press him on the issue.

It is a rare person that could recognise and change such deep aspects of their character. As my friend said it sticks in my mind that she is correct- I truly don't think they can. I'm no expert in any way. Perhaps people can MANAGE their behaviour but never change completely. But that's a bit off at a tangent and wont help Lalaluna,.

As I was driving home it occurred to me that one of the things I used to do to convince myself was to think of myself in 20, 30, 40 years time. Would I still want to be with this man then? and deep down I knew I didn't.

Take care Lalaluna,

Tigersilly

Signs Your Abuser Isn’t Changing

Adapted from youarenotcrazy.com.

List of clear signs he isn’t changing:

He says something to the effect of: “I’ll change, but only if you change, too.”
Or, he uses the same argument to defend past behaviour: “With my ex, I would have treated her a lot better if she would’ve just grown up (done what I wanted her to).” This shows he still believes that men are not responsible for their abusive behaviour if provoked. He still believes he is entitled to being abusive– he can give himself permission if she “steps out of bounds.”

He claims he needs your help to change, he can’t do it alone.
This tactic is controlling and manipulative- it’s generally a way of tricking you into “working on the relationship” when you really just want out. This attitude is prevalent in men who refuse to accept responsibility. In his perspective, his abusive explosions are a result of you having the nerve to stand up to him, your refusal to be bullied, or you insisting on your own identity, including a life that doesn’t revolve entirely around (or interfere with) his desires.

He brings up that you haven’t recognised and appreciated how much he’s changed.
This shows he doesn’t appreciate or recognise how much pain he’s inflicted on you, or learned to empathise. Once prisoners are released, their tormentors are not deserving of thank you notes or awards banquets. If he understood the pain he put you through, really faced it, he would comprehend how indebted he is to you for putting up with him. If he learned to empathise in this way, and took responsibility for his actions, his guilt would motivate him to reward you, not ask for reward. He clearly doesn’t understand the pain he has caused.

He’s in a therapy program that has not contacted his abusees.
Abusive men simply can’t change unless they have accepted responsibility, and the only way to do this is by hearing her truth. Abusive men manipulate and lie. Period. It’s foundational to maintaining their abusive mindset. Only the women know the truth and live with the fallout, and unless the women are heard, his therapist doesn’t know the truth.

He criticises you for being distrustful of his ability to stay non-abusive for good.
Again, he’s not taking responsibility for all the things he’s done to earn your distrust. If you told him a dozen times a month that you’d “never do something again” and then did it a dozen times that next month, do you think he would trust you? He believes he’s entitled to your forgiveness as a reward for going to therapy or a stretch of good days, not because he’s actually changed. This type of criticism is like asking, “When exactly can I abuse you again? I’ve earned it.”

He says something like, “You know I’d never do such a thing” when theres undisputed proof he’s done “such a thing” in the past. This is denial and crazymaking, and clearly abusive. Why exactly does he feel entitled to act “above reproach” in the face of his very own history? Well sometimes, in his mind, abuse is necessary to “getting along” . This comment shows he feels entitled to break any and all promises if he has “a good reason”.

He reminds you, “You know that’s one of my triggers, but see how calm I’m acting? I’ve learned to control myself now.”
This amounts to a subtle threat. He’s reminding you that he still has the power to abuse you, but he’s lobbing softballs “cause he’s such a good guy now.” A good guy that has changed does not want you to remember the monster he was. This is why prisoners don’t get parole with this “good behaviour” argument; only accepting responsibility works. Again, you don’t get rewarded for not committing a crime; unless you feel entitled to commit crime and see yourself as nobly choosing not to. (I could have murdered her, but I chose not to. Sounds pretty foolish eh?)

He says “I’m changing a lot, I swear” but he’s done any of the things above.
Run far, run fast.

The majority of men do not become nonabusive men even in the highest quality abuser programs.
The guys that do change and become capable of a truly loving relationship all have the following things in common:
1. His social circle recognises he is abusive and tells him he needs to deal with it. They sympathise with the abused woman, and don’t back up his justifications for abuse or validate his overblown sense of entitlement.
2. He’s not irretrievably self-centered. He has some empathy and awareness of the pain he’s caused, regardless if he tends to run away from it.
3. He joins a high-quality abuser program and stays with it: two years is minimum.
4. His partner gets wholehearted, unrelenting support from the community. The more she gets the message that it’s not her fault, the less he can shirk responsibility.

paddy's_mum

If this man truly had any regard whatsoever for the person who is you, if he cared at all about the welfare of his wife and children, if he had even an iota of real love for you, in the face of your unhappiness, doubts and drastic action he would be begging and pleading with you to stay away...

Stay away, sweetheart, until you have got your head around things.

Stay away, my love, until you've had the chance to calm down and assess the situation.

Stay away, treasure, and let the anger you feel towards me die down.

Most of all, he would be DESPERATE for you to hear him saying "stay away, darling, and let me prove to you over the coming months and years that my love for you is deep, genuine and loyal".

Is he intimating in any way that his gravest concern is for your well-being? No? Then be very careful.

Good luck.

lalaluna

I.just wrote a post and ita.gone again!! Ive set up my new phone which is what im using now. The screen is tiny so sorry for the typos and fullstops where there shouldnt be any lol.

Changed by.bank info today. Changed the address, email and removed any telephone and.mobile numbers. Got back to my room and got a text from OH.saying why have you changed your address with the bank? Serious !!!!!!??!!! I thought maybe it had been a.mistake. My.keyworker phoned the bank with me.who said the.only notification i may.have had would be.email. Ive checked the email, nothing in inbox, spam or trash.but.ive changed my pazsword to be safe. I dont have online banking. Im going.back to the.bank tommorow but dont see how.he could have found out.
He has told.me hes at his wits.end and is phoning the police.in the morning as ive.not been replying to.his.messages. Surely if you.were that.worried youd.be straight.on to the police? Ive.been reassured he wont ind where i am so im not worried tbh

Hope your all ok x

BigAunty

I assume that banking email did not disclose your new address as you've been reassured he won't find out where you are? Are you sure they didn't send out a letter to your old address?

When I notify banks, Royal Mail and some service providers of moving house, they send a letter to the new and the old address as an anti-fraud measure. It means that if someone impersonates me and tries to divert my statements/cards and so forth somewhere else, I would realise that someone is interfering with my accounts. Is there a different process when domestic abuse is involved?

If he did have access to your inbox, is there any other sensitive emails he could have read? Still worth double checking if your bank sent out a letter to your old address - perhaps he opened it (still morally wrong and totally unacceptable) and isn't accessing your emails.

Anyway, his communication on the banking issue (one where the account holder should enjoy complete data protection and privacy) is his way of letting you know that he is still monitoring you. It also demonstrates his thirst for continued control.

Also, it matters not a jot if he contacts Police or the timing of his decision to contact them. All this stuff is just a game to him.

Abusers love control, they love being in the driving seat and planning things. It's probably the only excitement he gets, winding you up.

By the sounds of your account of him, he had no social life or focus such as employment, so he had a lot of time and energy to spend on you by winding you up, forcing you to give him your complete attention. Naturally, he is missing being able to do this in person so can only do this by whatever other means you allow (phone, email, social media).

Why are you still receiving texts from him? He's getting a thrill just knowing that you are reading his communications and getting upset by them. Most phones allow you to block numbers. Suggest if you want to continue to use that phone, that you block him. Of course, he will be aware of that function and will simply purchase a new number...because it's a game - he enjoys hunting you.

lalaluna

Id understand if it was post as he opened all my post but he text me about an hour and a half after i changed it?

Ive turned my phone.off now.but.before i did Sil had left me a voicemail in tears saying shes worried about us. I sent her a text to reassure her the girls are safe and ill contact her when im ready and she replied freaking out saying ive done a runner with the girls and i.should just let her collect the girls and look after them while i sort myself out. OH obvioualy wont tell her why i left and i dont feel like tellinf them at.the.mo. I knew id end.up the bad guy. I think she does genuinly care, but im not.going to trust them just yet.
Phone is off, ill worry about it in a couple of days.

tayforth

If you've set up your new phone, do you have a new number? Or did he text your old number?

You need to block his number, most phones can do this.

Don't reply to your SIL. I know you are worried that he's painting you as 'the bad guy', but it doesn't matter what he says. Neither he nor his family can hurt you.

You and your girls are safe, the police won't take them from you. You're in a refuge. The police have specialised domestic abuse units these days, they are there to protect you.

You're all right, I promise xx

Tigersilly

lalaluna wrote: »

Id understand if it was post as he opened all my post but he text me about an hour and a half after i changed it?

Ive turned my phone.off now.but.before i did Sil had left me a voicemail in tears saying shes worried about us. I sent her a text to reassure her the girls are safe and ill contact her when im ready and she replied freaking out saying ive done a runner with the girls and i.should just let her collect the girls and look after them while i sort myself out.

Why should she collect your children? They are YOUR children and what exactly does 'sort yourself out' mean? It implies that you are having a breakdown and need to recover. Do not give your children away to anyone. He and his family will use it against you to suggest that you don't trust your parenting abilities at this point in time and are emotionally unstable (they will locate the problem in you and dismiss the fact that you were under the control of an abusive man). Stay strong.

liuhutOz

Im not impressed with you SIL, maybe she is just trying to help but to suggest that you 'need to sort yourself out'...wow. You know thats crap! I would block all of the numbers and give yourself time with your girls to breathe. Also, just wanted to say, I moved house with 6 boxes and a suitcase each for the girls...I know its not the same thing but, 5 years on we have built up a new house, and stuff is just stuff. Memories are so much more special and your going to be able to create happy memories for your girls :-)

Mojisola

liuhutOz wrote: »

Im not impressed with you SIL, maybe she is just trying to help but to suggest that you 'need to sort yourself out'...wow. You know thats crap!

We don't know what the SIL has been told. It could be a generous offer from someone trying to help.