Feeling trapped in relationship

Tigersilly

lalaluna wrote: »

Hi guys thanks for your messages. I actually feel like I have a different head on my shoulders. I don't feel 'free' like I was told I would feel. But I feel like I've really turned a corner.
However, one thing is really weighing on my mind. As he has been the last few days OH has been texting saying hoe he loves me misses needs another chance etc etc blah blah blah. Today I asked him ' do you know why I left?' His response (I'm not surprised) 'no why?'
Well I told him, unhealthy relationship just because its not physical doesn't mean its not abusive because it is, basically I poured my heart out and upset myself in the process. His responses to several texts Sai exactly the same thing but worded differently each time so I even questioned I he was reading them. This all led to him sending me a.lengthy email explaining why he has been behaving this way. He says he has treated me this way (he is finally accepting all his behaviour is wrong) because he didn't want to lose me. He has let his life go to the dogs the past couple of years and has been taking it out on me. He has said me leaving has given him the kick up the butt he's needed and is begging for another chance. Now part of me wants to believe he will change. I cant say if he will or won't time will tell. He has offered to move into his dads and I move back into the house with the girls which I would love to do but part of me isn't sure. I really want to go home and I've made a vow to myself that I not going to allow myself to be treated like crap anymore, not just for me but the girls as well.
I suppose the reason I'm hesitant is because i don't want to mislead him, I just want routine and stability for my girls.

Hello - no, you won't feel free and it will feel very strange for a while because you have been psychologically conditioned to take your cues from your partner. Just as animals can be trained, humans too. The only way to break the cycle, is to stop communicating with your partner. If you need to communicate you should do it via a neutral mediator. He states that he understands his motivations behind his behaviour, but that does not equate to understanding how to change his maladaptive behaviours. What you are doing to him is not a form of punishment, it is a means of trying to find out who you are without another person telling you who you are to be. This is not an easy process, but you need to keep faith. Keep faith in your ability to grow a little each day, perhaps think about small goals that you would like to achieve or do small activities that make you feel better (even taking a long hot shower, or reading a book, watching a nice TV programme). This will remind you of your own autonomy and your ability to exist free of your partner. What you did took tremendous courage from your present self because you care very much about your future self and your children. Keep thinking about how you can help your future self to become independent and accomplished - your present self needs to take care of your future self.

tayforth

Oh ((((lalaluna)))). The way you're feeling is totally understandable. You want so badly to believe that he will change. You want your old life back, this time with a loving man instead of the abusive bully you've been living with.

Do something for me? Go back to page 1 of this thread and read it all again. Read your own words. How do you feel now? Honestly?

His pleading and promises are not unusual. This is classic abuser behaviour. Please, please do not engage with him for the time being. You need space to breathe and to think and to rebuild your strength and confidence. You have done the best thing for yourself and your girls.

Sending you massive hugs, I think you need them xxxx

lalaluna

My posts keep going missing? I think its cos I'm not connected to WiFi, I should be getting the code tomorrow but its a bit frustrating I'm not the best typer lol.
I'll try again:
I text him saying I'm doing this for all of us. For him, for me and for the girls. I said I need time to sort myself out. And if he really cares he'll give me that time. This is his response: I will give you time. I've said you can come home and I will stay round my dads. What you are doing now is completely unfair to me. I want to see my girls. Even if you hate my guts and don't want to see me I want to see them. This isn't funny anymore. It's been 5 days.


Now I can appreciate he might be missing his girls. I'm not convinced he misses me, maybe the control but not me as a person. But its making me feel so guilty and luke I the one in the wrong. I've told him why I've gone, I've told him I need space and he can't expect me to just come home and pretend like nothings happened. He says thats fine and he doesn't expect that but I think it may be the opposite.
I just want one more thing to say before I turn the phone off. Like, I don't know, to state my case but I suppose I've already done that. He's one text me once or twice the last couple of days and I really going for it today. Its all 'im at my wits end, I miss this, I need that, ill change, ill do that' and all I can think is why cant you understand its not about you? He's really making me feel awful about pretending to take them to school bit when I remind him you said yourself you'd never let me leave with them its all 'we need to speak face to face, come home, we need to talk'. I'm sitting here typing this and I don't even know what I'm looking to achieve

lalaluna

I don't think I want him back. I don't feel anything for him just guilt over the girls. Id like to go home but if I did go back I just cant guarantee he will go to his dads. And if he does I bet he wouldn't stay round there for long. Most likely cos his dad would kick him up the rear and tell him to sort himself out.

Mojisola

lalaluna wrote: »

Now I can appreciate he might be missing his girls. I'm not convinced he misses me, maybe the control but not me as a person. But its making me feel so guilty and luke I the one in the wrong.

Which is exactly how he wants you to feel!

I really think you should cut communication for the time being. You are giving him the power to control you from a distance by keeping up the texting.

Mojisola

lalaluna wrote: »

I've had enough, I cannot go on living like this any more.

I feel like a prisoner, everyday I'm tiptoeing round trying to do upset him and deep down I just want to get away and have a positive life for me and my girls.

I'm so so miserable I cant take I anymore.

Keep going back to read your first post.

Do you really want to go back to this?

Tigersilly

lalaluna wrote: »

My posts keep going missing? I think its cos I'm not connected to WiFi, I should be getting the code tomorrow but its a bit frustrating I'm not the best typer lol.
I'll try again:
I text him saying I'm doing this for all of us. For him, for me and for the girls. I said I need time to sort myself out. And if he really cares he'll give me that time. This is his response: I will give you time. I've said you can come home and I will stay round my dads. What you are doing now is completely unfair to me. I want to see my girls. Even if you hate my guts and don't want to see me I want to see them. This isn't funny anymore. It's been 5 days.


Now I can appreciate he might be missing his girls. I'm not convinced he misses me, maybe the control but not me as a person. But its making me feel so guilty and luke I the one in the wrong. I've told him why I've gone, I've told him I need space and he can't expect me to just come home and pretend like nothings happened. He says thats fine and he doesn't expect that but I think it may be the opposite.
I just want one more thing to say before I turn the phone off. Like, I don't know, to state my case but I suppose I've already done that. He's one text me once or twice the last couple of days and I really going for it today. Its all 'im at my wits end, I miss this, I need that, ill change, ill do that' and all I can think is why cant you understand its not about you? He's really making me feel awful about pretending to take them to school bit when I remind him you said yourself you'd never let me leave with them its all 'we need to speak face to face, come home, we need to talk'. I'm sitting here typing this and I don't even know what I'm looking to achieve

You won't get understanding from someone who refused to see things from your perspective for years. He isn't suddenly going to develop empathy or caring for you overnight. I have however noticed he is very quick to ask you to empathise with his position. It's a trick controlling partners use because they know it has worked before in the past, otherwise you would have left him sooner, right?

Some people are missing an empathy bone for whatever reason. To keep texting him is bit like saying "you think I did the right thing, right? You understand I did the right thing, right?"....Only he doesn't think you did the right thing. He will never think you did the right thing because you took power away from him. I'm not saying that he doesn't miss his children, but I doubt this is the primary motivation for wanting you to come back. I think the payoff from controlling your actions is very great for him, he enjoys it otherwise he wouldn't do it and would like to you come back as and when he tells you to come back. What position will you be in to set limitations and boundaries? What is to say that if you return he won't run off with the children to teach you a lesson?

Money_maker

lalaluna wrote: »

I feel so down.

this swallowed up all my pay and I rarely had any money left over.

so it was agreed id stay home with her until she got funding for preschool and then I could return to work.. This is when things started to go wrong.

I've lost control of everything.

My partner ofs very negative and controlling. I've known for a while that things aren't normal on our relationship but I have a habit of burying my head in the sand.

I cant stand being treated like I'm scum of the earth anymore.

He limits who I can see, wear and speak to. I have to have a good reason to go outside. The school run is timed, if he feels I'm late he demands to know why I'm late where I've been etc, its just awful..
he makes comments about my appearance and how i talk and act and I have no idea if the comments are genuine. They are always horrible but then I worry that there true and everyone else feels the same.

A few quotes from your first post. Which part exactly are you missing? Sometimes if you are contained and controlled for long enough then the ability to make your own decisions fades. You now have your future, your life in your own hands. You can make the decisions and you do not need to dance to someone elses tune ever again.

He will not change. 6 years I think you said he's been like this. Funny really, as I've just been reading a fictional book about a similar situation and of course the heroine eventually breaks free.

Please listen to Mojisola and cut the contact. You do not have to respond to any form of contact at all.

lalaluna

Thanks guys. I'm so grateful to have you to speak to cos you can make sense of what to me is like spaghetti junction in my head.
I think I am trying to make him understand things from my point of view and its just not going to happen.
That last part Tigersilly is something I've been worrying about. I think he would do just that if I were to go back. Its a concern for the future as I don't think I could trust him to return the girls after visits iyswim. I think ot really would be a case of well you did it to me so leys see how you like it. I'll try not to worry about that just yet though

Cottage_Economy

If you go back chances are he will lock you down even tighter than you were before. You escaped? Maybe this time he'll take your phone, stop you using the internet, take your keys....maybe worse. Maybe stop you leaving the house entirely.

And your kids will see it all.

Stay free, if only for your kids.

And please stop responding to his texts.