Is there any way to motivate the missus to lose weight? Running out of ideas...

supersaver2

stardoman wrote: »

I think our marriage is about more than looks. I hope so at least. Should he moan because I now have wrinkles and tell me to look in the mirror so I can see what everyone else does? Should he tell me that I've now got grey hairs so should start dying them? Or perhaps he should mention how horrible my stomach looks since I had 3 children and its now covered in stretch marks? (That would look great if he got me to try a bikini!!!)

On the other hand, should I point out his thinning hair, or mention his middle age spread?

Some things don't need to be said. What good will it do?

I would hope, that after 20 years of marriage and 3 children that we are about much more than looks. And what is the point in highlighting all the areas of our bodies which are starting to go south and spread out?

I love him and find him attractive and he makes me feel attractive too. I feel safe with him and secure. I would not feel like that if he pointed out my flaws no matter what his intentions were.

To be fair being 5/6 stone overweight is very different to grey hairs and wrinkles. Do people realise the effect on your health, blood pressure etc being overweight can have.

If you for example, felt a lump in your husbands testicles would you encourage him to go and see the Doctor. Would you be happy if he wouldn't or said he'd go when he's ready? Surely if you care about your partner, you care about keeping them healthy. We aren't talking about a few extra pounds here.

I imagine in most marriages after years together and children that looks aren't as important, stretch marks don't matter, but problems that can affect your long term health really do matter.

ripplyuk

stardoman wrote: »

I love him and find him attractive and he makes me feel attractive too. I feel safe with him and secure. I would not feel like that if he pointed out my flaws no matter what his intentions were.

Exactly right. No woman needs to be told they need to lose weight, no matter how well intended. It's natural to get heavier as we get older. Society is obsessed with weight. If my partner ever suggested I should lose weight, it would leave me wondering what will happen when I'm old/wrinkly/ill. If you love someone, your instinct should be to make them feel supported and loved.

stardoman

supersaver2 wrote: »

To be fair being 5/6 stone overweight is very different to grey hairs and wrinkles. Do people realise the effect on your health, blood pressure etc being overweight can have.

If you for example, felt a lump in your husbands testicles would you encourage him to go and see the Doctor. Would you be happy if he wouldn't or said he'd go when he's ready? Surely if you care about your partner, you care about keeping them healthy. We aren't talking about a few extra pounds here.

I imagine in most marriages after years together and children that looks aren't as important, stretch marks don't matter, but problems that can affect your long term health really do matter.

I read somewhere that yo yo dieting puts far more stress on the body than being a stable weight. I've also read that its a myth that thin equals healthy. I know plenty of thin people with really bad diets, including my husband as it happens. But rather than focusing on his size I try to focus on getting him to eat better.

I don't see the need to mention anyone's size. Yes, talk about healthy eating and encourage the family to eat better. But what is the point in getting someone to put on a swimming costume and say that that is what they'll look like on the beach. Its not about being healthy, its saying that you are unattractive. I would find this hurtful.

paulineb_2

supersaver2 wrote: »

To be fair being 5/6 stone overweight is very different to grey hairs and wrinkles. Do people realise the effect on your health, blood pressure etc being overweight can have.

If you for example, felt a lump in your husbands testicles would you encourage him to go and see the Doctor. Would you be happy if he wouldn't or said he'd go when he's ready? Surely if you care about your partner, you care about keeping them healthy. We aren't talking about a few extra pounds here.

I imagine in most marriages after years together and children that looks aren't as important, stretch marks don't matter, but problems that can affect your long term health really do matter.

Well, the OPs wife is someone who is eating in secret. I think she needs to find out what is making her overeat before anyone else thinks its a good idea to ask her to wear a holiday swimsuit to see what she looks like in it.

Some people need help to lose weight, she sounds like she may be one of them, I mean professional help, not from her husband.

ripplyuk

supersaver2 wrote: »

If you for example, felt a lump in your husbands testicles would you encourage him to go and see the Doctor. Would you be happy if he wouldn't or said he'd go when he's ready?

I imagine in most marriages after years together and children that looks aren't as important, stretch marks don't matter, but problems that can affect your long term health really do matter.

No, but I don't own him so it's his choice.


Where to draw the line? Lots of things affect your health. What if someone takes up a risky job/sport etc. Of course being seriously overweight is a health issue but it is a personal decision to lose weight. I don't see it as a partners job to dictate, rather to be loving, regardless of what they decide, even if I would disagree or choose differently for myself.

mountainofdebt

paulineb wrote: »

Well, the OPs wife is someone who is eating in secret.

Could it be that when she's eaten chocolate, crisps etc in view of others that she's been called over for it so has resorted to eating it secret?

I wouldn't mind betting that as a result she's eating more of it than if she could eat it in the open

System

wapow wrote: »

Mate if she doesn't wanna move her flabby belly to go do something about herself and wishes to destroy herself along with bring down those around her who care for her then is she worth your time? ditch it and move on.
She'll probably lose weight in the depression then you can combat her depression by coming back and jobs a good un.

I doubt I'd take someone back in those circumstances

I've lost weight after break ups, due to depression and stopping eating but I certainly wouldn't recommend that as a diet plan!

FBaby

I certainly wouldn't ditch my husband if he put on a lot of weight and wasn't losing it and showing little motivation to do so, but I would feel quite confused because the man I married is a strong willed, determined andvery health conscious person and that is very much part of why I fell in love with him, so it wouldn't be just a case of his physic changing, which indeed would probably affect how attracted I am with him but also the person he is inside.

However I would trust that the person I married would be back given time and support, so would take a lot before I gave up on helping him.

ab.da54

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

You can't make her lose weight she has to want to do it for her not for you. I would guess that you finding it so easy makes her feel a failure and rubs her face in it tbh.

I imagine it's coming across in a similar vein as 'ex-smoker syndrome'.

Someone finds it easy so thinks everyone else does too.

It's similar on another thread I've been reading and you stop taking in what the person is saying, then. If that is how the husband is also coming across also, I wouldn't be surprised if the wife is not listening to his "advice", either.

ab.da54

duchy wrote: »

You sound a bit like an evangelical reformed smoker....

You lost weight ......and now you want everyone else to do the same .

but whilst you moan and groan and are critical she won't (and at best you are coming across as saying to her that you could do it so why can't she....).Simple human nature.

Yes, this was my first thought too, duchy.