is this baby a relation of mine?

minerva_windsong

My fiance has a niece and a nephew, but I refer to them as 'my fiance's niece/nephew'. It feels a bit weird referring to them as my niece and nephew seeing as I'm not yet married to their uncle. I think once we get married I'll be more comfortable referring to them as 'my niece/nephew' though. It's the same with his other relatives - I refer to them as 'my fiance's sister/brother/mum' etc but will call them my in-laws once we're married.

I do agree about the connection being different though. I see my OH's nephew quite a bit as we live about 15 minutes away from them, and whilst he's a great kid I don't have the same relationship with him that I do with my own nephews. It's kind of hard to put it into words other than not feeling as close to him and still feeling a bit awkward around him (although I'm not sure if the latter part is because he's a couple of years younger than my nephews and still not quite out of the 'baby' stage as it were). I also think there's an element of it being 'their' family still and not wanting to be seen as the interfering 'not quite sister-in-law'.

bewilderedhelpneeded wrote: »

last thing I want is people thinking ' who does she think she is she is only x's girlfriend and they dont live together 'if I were to go wading in along with all the other 'proper' aunts. Ill give this a bit more thought though!

to be honest I do feel ever so slightly 'awkward' about the situation - as I did at their wedding as I felt I had no right to be included and treated the same as her other sister in laws who are married/living together. I was introduced to people as gf whereas the others were introduced as wife or partner which didnt bother me as thats what I am but I did feel as if I was something of an interloper!

I felt like this at OH's sister's wedding, to the extent I was really reluctant to be on the 'siblings and partners' photo (we were still boyfriend/girlfriend at that point). His brother was already married and his brother-in-laws' siblings were both single, and I just felt like it somehow wasn't my place to be in that picture. I am in it but the memory of that feeling like 'you shouldn't be here' was very strong - I blame the How I Met Your Mother episode where the main character's various random girlfriends are in the big occasion photos and he can't remember any of their names!

I've never felt like his family weren't welcoming to me - quite the opposite in fact - but more that it wasn't my place because I wasn't 'really' part of the family somehow. Saying that, since we've got engaged it has lessened, so I think knowing at some point that it will be 'official' has helped me.

This_Year

daisiegg wrote: »

My husband's sister has a child and she doesn't refer to me as aunty even though I think of myself that way. When I mentioned something about it briefly she said 'oh I suppose you are aunty-in-law'! This seemed weird to me as in my family, spouses of aunties/uncles were automatically aunties/uncles too.

My ex SIL told me that just because my then husband was uncle to her son, that didn't automatically make me his aunty! I asked what rite of passage would need to happen to make me an "official" aunty and she didn't have an answer. :cool:

System

OP I think its more important to see how your bf's sister sees you?

Whilst technically your not an auntie through blood or marriage, if his sister thinks of you as the childs auntie, then I'd suggest you succumb the role however reluctant you are.

barbiedoll

Op, I do feel for you. I am now part of an extended family as my husband has children by his first wife, stepchildren that are his ex's children and he has nieces and nephews too. I have a child with him, my siblings don't have any children (yet!), although my brother does have a "step-child", his long-time GF has a grown-up son.

It is a tricky minefield to negotiate sometimes, as I know full well. My husband's step-son got married when we had only been together for less than a year. He was invited and he said that I was to come too but I wouldn't have dreamed of intruding in a family celebration, we were not engaged although we had been living together for a couple of months. It was only because his ex-wife phoned me and invited me personally, that I went along (and had a great time!) but I wouldn't have gone otherwise.

You are absolutely right not to visit the new baby in the first couple of weeks, as you, and others have said, the new mum probably wouldn't have appreciated it much.

If it were me, I would take the lead from the parents. If they refer to you as "Aunty" then sit back and accept it, it is a compliment!
Your BF should realise that you are naturally going to be closer to your sister's kid than you are to a child of his brother, I think that most people agree that generally, blood is thicker than water.

There's no reason why the new "nephew" can't be a part of your extended family too but with so many other family members, I don't suppose that he will notice that Aunty Bewildered doesn't visit him as often as some other relatives.

Don't let this become a big issue, at the moment, you seem to be happy living apart, you have your family and he has his. You can all meet and socialise together and you clearly like his family, but there is no need to tie yourself in knots, wondering what title you are allowed to have!

If I was at a wedding and any nosy relatives started probing the state of my relationship, I'd probably tell them that I used to be a man, that's why we're not married. But I'm just a bit mischievous like that!

Izadora

No, the new baby isn't your nephew but I can also see why your OH's family would attach the label "Auntie" to you. While you're no more related to him than you are to any of your OH's brother's previous children, the fact that he'll grow up never having known anything other than you being part of his life makes it kind of understandable that your boyfriend sees you as being more of auntie to him than the others.

duchy

It's all a bit of a minefield -My parents had a real bee in their bonnet that we only called genuine aunties and uncles by that title. They had friends who would tell us to call them auntie and uncle and we weren't allowed to LOL . I assume it was because we had lots of blood relatives as my parents each had six siblings. My fiance's daughter asked me to call her housing association as she was having issues with them and needed someone to call them and be firm as she had got upset with them. I found myself introducing myself as her step mother- to explain why I was calling for her- yet I never think of her in those terms because she was an adult when I first met her Dad.
I do think sometimes these terms are just shorthand to indicate a family or similar relationship even if they aren't always accurate.
I do think the OP's boyfriend is simply confused as he expected the OP to be as involved and connected with his niece as her own. I'm wondering how invested he is in the OP's niece and if he isn't as interested as in his own that might help him see that it is different ?

whodathunkit

Izadora wrote: »

No, the new baby isn't your nephew but I can also see why your OH's family would attach the label "Auntie" to you. While you're no more related to him than you are to any of your OH's brother's previous children, the fact that he'll grow up never having known anything other than you being part of his life makes it kind of understandable that your boyfriend sees you as being more of auntie to him than the others.

That's a pretty big assumption when the OP is only a girlfriend and not even a live in one at that!

burnoutbabe

bewilderedhelpneeded wrote: »

I think you have hit the nail on the head with the dna thing! I look at my niece and see myself and my children in her - her looks and her mannerisms. I dont have these feelings with the new baby so dont feel same bond or need to rush over to see it - id rather let the real relatives have their cuddles first and ill join the queue in the 'friends' category. My boyfriend has seen new baby but he lives near his brother. I feel that ill wait until im next over at my boyfriends ( he is over at mine an awful lot more than im over at his due to work commitments) im planning on going over this weekend so ill pop in to see baby and parents then but I did not feel need to rush over as soon as he was born which my boyfriend thought I should have done as I did with my niece

I'm not even sure its a DNA thing, as I feel far more of an aunt to my sisters adopted child than to my fiance's sister's children.

But then me and sister share stuff on FB with each other and see each other fairly often. I have no real relationship with fiance's sister beyond a once a year 1 day visit. So to them, yes I am their auntie (as I'm uncle's live in partner) but I don't feel any huge bond at present (all kids are under 3). If someone asks about my nephew I'd assume they meant my sisters son than my partners sisters son.

Of course, this is my mulling it over and posting opinions here. If I was with OH family I'd just act interested and be fine being referred to as an aunt and I'd equally make sure that my OH remembered birthdays and xmas for them on both our parts.

burnoutbabe

minerva_windsong wrote: »

I felt like this at OH's sister's wedding, to the extent I was really reluctant to be on the 'siblings and partners' photo (we were still boyfriend/girlfriend at that point). His brother was already married and his brother-in-laws' siblings were both single, and I just felt like it somehow wasn't my place to be in that picture. I am in it but the memory of that feeling like 'you shouldn't be here' was very strong - I blame the How I Met Your Mother episode where the main character's various random girlfriends are in the big occasion photos and he can't remember any of their names!

Snap, i had the same, attended boyfriends sisters wedding when we'd only been a couple for 3 months, so was a bit reluctant to be in lots of photos. So i think we have a posed photo of us 2 with the happy couple and then one of him with them (and him and his sister), which works whatever happens.

Kynthia

Playing devils advocate here, but put it back to your OH and ask him whether he feels the same about your niece as he does about his brother's children? I'll bet he doesn't, as I believe most people feel slightly closer to their sibling's children than their sibling-in-law's children, so then he'll understand. Perhaps he's not emotionally intelligent and unable to understand why you don't feel the same way as he does about the little bundle of joy and this example will be better than trying to explain it to him.