is this baby a relation of mine?

bewilderedhelpneeded

thorsoak wrote: »

Do you expect your b/f to be as close to your sister's baby as you are?

This is his brother's baby - so he is going to feel as excited about this baby as you are about your sister's baby - don't burst his bubble!

Sounds as if you are using the baby as a reason to pinpoint the fact that you are not a "formal" couple - am I right?

no I dont expect him to be as close to my niece as I am - I dont consider him her uncle and I know no one else in my family does either. My sister had a girl whereas I had boys so yes I was over the moon when we found out what she was having which probably fuelled my buying things ( second hand mostly) as it opened up whole new buying avenue for me ( girlie things!)

This is his 6th niece/nephew but he is still rightly excited as big gap since last one so maybe its because I dont appear as excited as him. I wasnt aware I was using baby to pinpoint we are not a 'formal' couple - I thought that I was 'knowing my place' - last thing I want is people thinking ' who does she think she is she is only x's girlfriend and they dont live together 'if I were to go wading in along with all the other 'proper' aunts. Ill give this a bit more thought though!

to be honest I do feel ever so slightly 'awkward' about the situation - as I did at their wedding as I felt I had no right to be included and treated the same as her other sister in laws who are married/living together. I was introduced to people as gf whereas the others were introduced as wife or partner which didnt bother me as thats what I am but I did feel as if I was something of an interloper!

bewilderedhelpneeded

duchy wrote: »

Well maybe in his eyes you arepart of his extended family as you've been together for five years but in yours because you don't live together you don't see it the same way ? That you see it as the two of you rather than anything more extended ?

yes I think there is a bit of truth in that. I always feel a bit on the outside when the sister in laws and partners are together - not because they exclude me because they absolutely do not but because I feel they have more right to be there if that makes sence? It happened recently when we all went out for a meal and they were discussing the babys grandmother and a situation. I had an opinion but decided to keep quiet about it as I felt I had no right to say anything even though id been as involved in the situation as they had. I felt that they were family whereas I was not!

bewilderedhelpneeded

CH27 wrote: »

It seems as though you have your life compartmentalised & are happy that way.
Your BF seems to want things less separate. He obviously thinks of you as a big part of his whole life.

How to move forward needs thinking about.

spot on! This I guess is next step!

wapow

bewilderedhelpneeded wrote: »

yes I think there is a bit of truth in that. I always feel a bit on the outside when the sister in laws and partners are together - not because they exclude me because they absolutely do not but because I feel they have more right to be there if that makes sence? It happened recently when we all went out for a meal and they were discussing the babys grandmother and a situation. I had an opinion but decided to keep quiet about it as I felt I had no right to say anything even though id been as involved in the situation as they had. I felt that they were family whereas I was not!

I think I know now why he may feel the way he does. Although you'd do right by talking to him but I think he doesn't understand why you make yourself seem the outsider when, as you said, they don't seem to exclude you.


What would it take for you to feel that you now "belong"? 5 years not long enough or does it have to be something like marriage to make it official?


This may also be something to do with your confidence. Maybe you don't want to feel judged by them? You say you didn't say owt because you felt you didn't belong but in reality maybe you didn't say owt because you didn't want to either feel as though you were ignored or judged or brushed aside?

bewilderedhelpneeded

listerinspector wrote: »

I understand this but my first reply was on the TITLE of auntie, not the role or feelings. If you were married then the baby will still call you auntie if your husband was uncle.

So what does your niece call your boyfriend?

not a lot - she is not even at crawling stage yet! But yes you are right - I wonder what she will view my bf as? Uncle probably! Food for thought - maybe im getting too hung up on this 'title' thing - parents will decide if they consider me aunty or not and will introduce me as such. I guess my first meeting with baby may sort this one out. If they say im aunty im not going to correct them and say ' well actually no technically im not' just in the same way I dont correct my friends if they sparodically refer to me as 'auntie' in front of their kids

Torry_Quine

I think if you were married then you would be aunt to the baby and there wouldn't be a problem. Having been together for a long time it is harder to define your relationships. It is good though that he sees you as part of his family and you should see it as a complement.

bewilderedhelpneeded

wapow wrote: »

I think I know now why he may feel the way he does. Although you'd do right by talking to him but I think he doesn't understand why you make yourself seem the outsider when, as you said, they don't seem to exclude you.


What would it take for you to feel that you now "belong"? 5 years not long enough or does it have to be something like marriage to make it official?


This may also be something to do with your confidence. Maybe you don't want to feel judged by them? You say you didn't say owt because you felt you didn't belong but in reality maybe you didn't say owt because you didn't want to either feel as though you were ignored or judged or brushed aside?

im quite a confident person and usually if I have something to say ill say it however in this situation my opinion was different to theirs and I didnt feel I had a 'right' to put my opinion across as it was 'their' family not mine. She was their mother in law not mine if that makes sense?

If we were married or lived together I would have expressed my opinion without hesitation but I didnt feel comfortable saying ' actually I think we need to' as we are not. I didnt feel I had any right to a say in the matter as it was discussing their mother in laws health and future care needs.

wapow

This is something you should bring up aswell that does he think that you make yourself an outsider. As you say that marriage would have changed the situation but maybe he sees you as a couple that are married just not "married" if you know what I mean
So he expects you to think youre married and be as you would be if you were married even though youre not married! Phew!

bewilderedhelpneeded

wapow wrote: »

This is something you should bring up aswell that does he think that you make yourself an outsider. As you say that marriage would have changed the situation but maybe he sees you as a couple that are married just not "married" if you know what I mean
So he expects you to think youre married and be as you would be if you were married even though youre not married! Phew!

Again - probably spot on thinking about it! I do struggle with the 'who am I' in social situations with his family but I doubt anyone on the outside looking in would spot that im struggling with my 'position within the family' as I doubt they would pick me out as ' the gf' and not married or living together due to the way I interact with them all. At his brithers wedding some far flung relatives who a lot of them hadnt met before came and they asked me who I was. I started saying 'gf' but then changed it to partner but that became complicated when they asked how long we had been together and it came out later that we didnt live together. You could see the confusion in their faces as they had picked up straight away that we were not married but had then assumed we lived together. It was only later when they said something and I had to explain we didnt live together. I could see that they were dying to ask why! Must seem strange after 5 nearly 6 years not to be living together but I dont think of it as strange as its normal to me! If someone told me they had been with someone for nearly 6 years and didnt live together ( especially due to our age!) Id be thinking ' I wonder why?' Lol

wapow

Progress through the power of talk!
To think this notion would be delusional not too long ago


Catch up with you once you had a looong talk with the OH hehe
Don't think its strange. Couples tend to change when they live together lol