is this baby a relation of mine?

bewilderedhelpneeded

Person_one wrote: »

How you feel about your niece will be how he feels about the new baby.

There has been research that shows that strength of feeling towards a baby is related to how much DNA you share with it, which seems like a pretty cold way of looking at things but is clearly what you're experiencing here!

You don't have to feel like an auntie, but BitterandTwisted is right that it would be nice to take an interest and try to share some of his enthusiasm.

I think you have hit the nail on the head with the dna thing! I look at my niece and see myself and my children in her - her looks and her mannerisms. I dont have these feelings with the new baby so dont feel same bond or need to rush over to see it - id rather let the real relatives have their cuddles first and ill join the queue in the 'friends' category. My boyfriend has seen new baby but he lives near his brother. I feel that ill wait until im next over at my boyfriends ( he is over at mine an awful lot more than im over at his due to work commitments) im planning on going over this weekend so ill pop in to see baby and parents then but I did not feel need to rush over as soon as he was born which my boyfriend thought I should have done as I did with my niece

bewilderedhelpneeded

lilmissreading wrote: »

My relationships with people's children is largely determined by my relationship with them. For example, I get very excited by my close friend's 2 little nippers, like to buy them pointless plastic things, or things with sugar in, seeing them, playing games etc. If my brother had children, I would be much less interested as we are not close and therefore I would feel less interested in making the effort to get to know the new person. After all at the early stages, it seems to be a lot of staring at them sleeping and talking to the new parent(s), while trying to do some washing up for them. Therefore I need the good relationship with the parents before I can bond with a shiny new person who is only with me on the say so of said parents.

What does your bf say when you explain you find it hard to feel close to his nephew? What's he like with your niece?

I dont feel its my place to be round there doing things for the new mum as we are not particularly close although we get on ( I actually can count on one hand the number of times ive spent any time with her and she has only been part of boyfriends family for 2 years) my boyfriends mum is obviously nan and close distance wise to them so she is doing practical things to help new parents. Id feel awkward turning up and starting to do ironing for example! Boyfriend does not understand why I dont have outpouring of love for his new nephew but has never said anything about his other nieces and nephews. I asked him why he thought I should consider myself aunt to this new baby but not his other nieces and nephews and he said its because new nephew was born whilst we were together whilst others wernt! Others consider me their uncles girlfriends and call him uncle and me by first name which is fine by me.

boyfriend hasnt met my baby niece but sees what I buy her and when I travel to see her and sees my reaction when I get emailed photos etc. He certainly never said anything to me about seeing her as his niece too and I dont think of him as her uncle.

lilmissreading

bewilderedhelpneeded wrote: »

I dont feel its my place to be round there doing things for the new mum as we are not particularly close although we get on ( I actually can count on one hand the number of times ive spent any time with her and she has only been part of boyfriends family for 2 years) my boyfriends mum is obviously nan and close distance wise to them so she is doing practical things to help new parents. Id feel awkward turning up and starting to do ironing for example! Boyfriend does not understand why I dont have outpouring of love for his new nephew but has never said anything about his other nieces and nephews. I asked him why he thought I should consider myself aunt to this new baby but not his other nieces and nephews and he said its because new nephew was born whilst we were together whilst others wernt! Others consider me their uncles girlfriends and call him uncle and me by first name which is fine by me.

boyfriend hasnt met my baby niece but sees what I buy her and when I travel to see her and sees my reaction when I get emailed photos etc. He certainly never said anything to me about seeing her as his niece too and I dont think of him as her uncle.

How would he react do you think if you explained that you don't feel as close to his nephew as you are not as close to the new mum as you are to your sister? Maybe what he sees is an outpouring of love for a baby, which is part of the story but also this is being close to and showing love for your sister not just your niece.

Maybe when you next do something for your niece you can suggest he does the same/similar with his nephew. If he says something about you doing it, you can go down the crafty line of 'oh but it'll mean much more coming from you.' Or 'you know how it is in the early days, lots of people find too many visitors overwhelming - send my love.'

You can ask how any visits go - 'oh what did you do?' When it turns out the answer is nowt (or rather stare at baby, try not to stare at leaking milk) say 'mmm, would have been a bit much for both of us to be there, especially as she doesn't know me that well. Such a vulnerable time. I look forward to meeting him when things are more settled.'

marisco_2

In my opinion when you marry someone the members of their family become family to you too. Before that point I think it comes down to personal choice, as to how you wish to view your connections to those closest to the one you are with. There is no point in trying to force relationships that do not sit right with you. I would advise being honest and upfront about your thoughts and feelings on this so as to minimise any angst and bad feeling.

wapow

Look, im hoping this has been mentioned already. Can you maybe carry out the following and report back?

t-a-l-k to your other half about how you feel about his brothers kids and why he reacted in that way.

Can you do this much? Then report back and tell us it was nothing but a misunderstanding?

Frankly in 5 and 1/2 years this reaction seems like something new to you so you should be more concerned about whether he will get like this more often or not. I cant believe he hadn't sat you down and talked to you about it either!

(Text removed by MSE Forum Team)

duchy

Good grief a newbie with delusions !
1 Don't be so rude....the internet may be the only place you think you can get away with it...... News flash for you -it isn't

2 We have a convention here that plain speaking is fine-rudeness is not. Yours crossed over the line -If you don't know the difference perhaps you should be more careful when posting.... Can you do this much? .

3 Not your place to decide if a post is closed or not

Have a nice day !

OP your boyfriend is over-reacting a bit. The baby is a week old . Most new Mums don't want loads of visitors they don't know really well they've enough on their plate the first week or two. Maybe this is more that as you gush over your own niece your BF feels a bit put out that you don't feel the same. By his reasoning I had a "grandaughter" in September but his daughter doesn't regard me as a "mum" (she's got one of those and our relationship is really good but different). I however didn't ignore the event which I think is how your boyfriend sees things and maybe feels you aren't as invested in his family as he thought you were ? Although I thought the previous post was stupid. The one part that I did agree with (if not the way it was expressed) was that you need to be talking to each other . In a five year relationship I'd have expected to meet a sister who lived locally more than a handful of times though -Does he usually see his family without you? and if so is that his choice or yours ?

duchy

One who has just thrown their teddy in the corner too :rotfl::rotfl:
Bless , Nothing like a good tantrum !

lilmissreading

Suggestion to communicate with OH isn't 'delusional.' What is delusional is believing you can solve and dismiss someone's post without knowing them. People don't post on here because there is an easy answer but because they have tried the easy answer and it doesn't work.

Compassion and understanding cost you nothing. I wonder why if this thread irritates you, you don't just leave it be?

wapow

If the OP was to talk to OH FIRST as advised and they solved their problems and this was really nothing in the grand scheme of things then this thread would be pointless and non existent.
That is the meaning of \Thread closed.


Dwindling intelligence.

wapow

The easy answer is to talk! The OP hasn't said they have tried to talk about their feelings?


The stuff you women SHOULD be bringing up you don't and then you complain that men don't take your feelings into consideration etc etc. What????!!?!?!!