is this baby a relation of mine?

duchy

bewilderedhelpneeded wrote: »

yes I think there is a bit of truth in that. I always feel a bit on the outside when the sister in laws and partners are together - not because they exclude me because they absolutely do not but because I feel they have more right to be there if that makes sence? It happened recently when we all went out for a meal and they were discussing the babys grandmother and a situation. I had an opinion but decided to keep quiet about it as I felt I had no right to say anything even though id been as involved in the situation as they had. I felt that they were family whereas I was not!

To be honest in the same situation I wouldn't voice an opinion either as I'd consider myself not a member of the family but "just" a girlfriend. Living together or with marriage plans I'd not feel that way .
Have you discussed a future together- as in moving in or engagement.....as you say after five years most couples are moving forward with at least plans if they visualize a future together.

Families are all different though. I know one woman who treats every new girlfriend of her sons as a prospective daughter in law even if the relationship is only a few weeks old and would buy lavish presents for them invite them on family holidays and then be upset at what she saw as their ingratitude when they broke up after a few weeks. I'm sure she scared a few of them off.......but it was just her "family boundaries" were very different.

Mrs_Soup

I am married but still don't really consider myself auntie to my sister in laws children. And because she isn't married to her fella then he definitely isn't my kids uncle!

Tink2

Simple answer is no you are not the aunt, you are not blood related to them not married to your partner

Anatidaephobia

Technically you're not an aunt to the new baby but does it really matter if your boyfriend and/or his family choose to refer to you as the baby's aunt? It's not a binding contract, just a sign that they're willing to include you in the family. I can understand that you don't feel like you are the aunt but I don't think it does any harm to let them use that term either.

I also completely understand that your feelings towards your niece are obviously very different in comparison to your feelings towards the new baby but I'm not sure it will do you any favours to focus on this when talking to your boyfriend. Someone said already, don't burst his bubble, and I agree with that. Think how happy/excited he must be right now and surely, as his girlfriend, you should be there for him to share his joy (ie support him and be happy with him, it doesn't mean you have to feel the same way because obviously you won't feel the same way) not put a dampener on the event by telling him that the new baby isn't important to you. It goes without saying that your niece means more to you than the new baby.

Anatidaephobia

CH27 wrote: »

It seems as though you have your life compartmentalised & are happy that way.
Your BF seems to want things less separate. He obviously thinks of you as a big part of his whole life.

I agree with this.

OP, I think you do seem to have your relationships all compartmentalised in your head and that is completely fine but I can't help wondering what will happen in future... Now I'm making assumptions here but I assume because you've been with your boyfriend for nearly six years now that the relationship is relatively serious and that the intentions are for it to continue. So one day you may marry and you will be the baby's aunt... are you going to start taking more of an interest then? Even if you don't consider the baby your niece right now, I would say that is largely irrelevant, the fact is that she is important to your boyfriend and therefore, by default, she should be important to you too.

I would be concerned about your boyfriend's feelings. He has probably had it in his head that you're part of his family and it might've come as a bit of a shock to him to hear you say you aren't.

Do you spend much time with his family? Nearly six years is quite a long time to be together and his family have clearly accepted you as one of their own so it feels a little sad that you don't feel you have the right to do things such as contribute to a conversation. I think it is possible to phrase things gently so that you can offer opinions without sounding like you're forcing it on them. Just because they are legally family and you are not doesn't mean that you don't "have the right" to be at family events. If you have been invited somewhere then you have the right to be there. If you're having lunch with your boyfriend's family then they've included you and you have the right to be there.

DKLS

I hate being assigned the "Uncle" tag, which has been applied a couple of times with my wives family members and friends. I am only related to them by marriage and created a bit of a fuss when I turned down being a godfather for one of them.

If the Op isn't in to the kid, so what its hardly a big deal, I have never seen my best mates kid and she must be about 8 ish now, my relationship is with him and not his kids.

jackomdj

I think it is an emotive subject, where family dynamics are different and result in the next generation calling people Aunty etc.

I have some Aunties and Uncles that I call Aunty and Uncle, I have some that I simply call by their first name and I have some family friends that I still call Aunty, although I am 42!

Next generation down and my children refer to a lot of our friends as Aunty or Uncle and we are the same for various children. My sisters children call my OH Uncle, although we have been together unmarried forever.

Ultimately it is whatever feels natural for you.

pollypenny

Very often it's down to whether you are close or not. I didn't feel like an auntie to my SIL's boys, but we hardly saw them. But I was auntie to my friends' children.

It's down to family dynamics. You've been together for 5 years, have a baby, but you don't live together. Seems odd to me.

seven-day-weekend

In actual fact you are not the baby's Aunt. If you don't want to be thought of in that way, tbh I would not encourage it as it comes with expectations. You are not their aunt and imho they should not consider you to be so (doesn't mean you can't be the child's friend though).

I do think you need to talk to your boyfriend however, about how you both see your place in the family.

TBH, I find your attitude refreshing, when so many people give the title of 'stepfather' to whoever happens to be their sex partner at the moment. So confusing for the children.

(I'm not saying your boyfriend is merely a sex partner - just making a general observation).

DigForVictory

bewildered!
"Auntie" can be an honorary title bestowed on women of about the right age, or they can be blood kin. It's a *very* broad label.

Not visiting in the first week is a kindness to the mother - give her a chance to get home, get settled a bit, and if contact is *required*, send a food parcel. The card etc have gone off - you're excused anything more for another fortnight or so.

The hitch here is your bf's apparent opinion that you are near enough married to rate the Aunt by blood/marriage title & you don't even want the courtesy title.

Which is a bit of a facer for him as by refusing to acknowledge the baby, you indirectly refuse to acknowledge him. Whereas your neice by blood direct, you do acknowledge & adore as such.

He's left wondering why you adore one, and could somehow take or leave the other. So, I think you have several options.

First of which would be gently putting it to him that apart from the usual courtesies extended to new mothers who are not blood family, you are in fact being nice by not rushing in.

Then (maybe) that you just do not feel as strongly about the little lad as he's not blood-kin.

Finally (taking it very gently - male egos can be so fragile) that given as how you two are not formally betrothed or espoused, you technically have no tie to the babe at all. (But here I'd slather something on his ego as he clearly is delighted by the little 'un & even if the infant lad means nothing to you, it's only kind to be supportive.)

He may wonder if you're angling for a ring. He may not see clearly that you just don't see them as family in the same way as he does. He may be quietly blisteringly hurt that you don't call his children your step children, & so on - your language is scrupulously seperate & it could be a sore point. (Or refreshing - be very careful.)

You don't feel part of his family - now that is a definite hitch in the relationship. They seem to treat you as a full member & yet you feel only entitled to associate status.

Oh my. Fill the fridge & freezer (as I've never coaxed a hungry man into anything worthwhile) & have a bit of clearing up of ideas?

All the very best to you, your chap, your adored neice, your blood family & the tribe you are associated with - and may things become clearer and less fraught soon!