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Husband insisting I work full time

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62 replies 19.1K views


  • LannieDuckLannieDuck Forumite
    2.4K Posts
    Eighth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    We had a similar decision to make when DD1 came along. I rather fancied being part time, and was sure I didn't want to put LO in a nursery 5 days a week. OH didn't want me to give up my job (it's permanent, his is contract). So we both picked the one thing that mattered to us (me - LO not being in full time nursery, OH - me keeping my job), and worked around that. OH became a SAHD and I stayed FT. I've just had DD2 and we may consider switching roles in a year or two, so I'll be PT and OH will go back to work.

    Tell your OH that you're not willing for LO to go to nursery full time, so either you go PT or he does. His choice.

    ...and the household chores thing, I don't even know where to start. You seem to be perpetuating the myth that it's somehow a woman's place to do all the housework, even when they work full time. You should both sit down together and agree the minimum chores that need doing. Split them 50:50. Obv you could still do any cleaning you think needs doing above and beyond that (if you have higher standards than him).
    Mortgage when started: £330,995

    “Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”
    Arthur C. Clarke
  • ema_oema_o Forumite
    885 Posts
    It sounds like you would be better off without your OH to be honest. It doesn't sound as if you are getting much out of the relationship.

    He is taking the mick expecting you to work full time to provide a life of luxury plus do most of the chores. If he wants more money he should think of ways to improve his own potential rather than expecting you to do it for him.

    I work part time at the moment and would not give up the time I have with my little boy unless there was no alternative. Yes we would be marginally better off if I worked full time, but the difference is not worth my sanity and the fact that I can be around for little one's childhood.
    I think if you go back full time you will become very resentful of your OH for making you do so. Start as you mean to go on with this - agree part time, and also for the days you are working long hours your OH needs to step up & do his share of the chores.

    I'm not sure exactly how much per day £17000 works out at, but even if he gets £50 per day after tax spending £10 of this on lunch is insane!! So 1/5 of his wages on lunch unless you make it for him?!? No wonder he feels like you have no money!! xx
  • I've no advice really, apart from what has already been said, but I'm in a similair situation at the moment (right down to my DH working stupidly long hours in a very manual labour job for not the greatest of salaries!). My LG is 6.5 months, I've been working on a short term contract P/T for 5 weeks, another 7 to go, so looking for something for when that ends at the moment.

    There's no way on earth I'd be going back FT, no matter what the salary, my time with my LG is far too precious. In my field, only FT jobs exist, so I'm looking for a PT role a level (or 2) below what I could be applying for, which means taking around a £7k pay drop. I'm just lucky we can afford it. Chores we share pretty much equally - I do shopping/bills/washing (I don't iron!), DH does the outside stuff - bins/cars/garden. We share things like hoovering and dusting. I cook coz I enjoy it. Things like DH lunch I do if I find a spare five mins when doing our tea, otherwise he does it.

    We did consider me going back FT and DH staying at home (PT doesn't exist for him either), but after having LO on his own for a few days last month, he decided that going to work was much less stressful lol!
  • msb5262msb5262 Forumite
    1.6K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Hi OP,
    Many years ago I was in a similar situation to yours - and in the end I just said No. I said that my decision was best for the baby, for my health and wellbeing and for us as a family. Obviously my husband couldn't force me to do what he wanted and within a short time, he agreed I'd been right. Your husband sounds like a royal pain, to be honest - try to get him to see he's behaving like a total ar*e and if he can't see it, I would struggle to understand why you'd want to stay in a relationship with him.
    Best wishes
  • FatVonDFatVonD Forumite
    5.3K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker I've been Money Tipped!
    I can understand you wanting to spend more time with your little one and the one day's money you lose would have (mostly) been taxed at 40% so you won't be losing as much as it sounds.

    I do however agree that the replies would have been totally different were it a new dad saying he were the larger earner and he wanted to cut his hours to spend time with the baby. I doubt that his wife would have been derided for *only* earning £17,000 or that there would be comments that she was not a 'real woman' if she didn't get out there and earn more.
    Make £25 a day in April £0/£750 (March £584, February £602, January £883.66)

    December £361.54, November £322.28, October £288.52, September £374.30, August £223.95, July £71.45, June £251.22, May£119.33, April £236.24, March £106.74, Feb £40.99, Jan £98.54) Total for 2017 - £2,495.10
  • NoAngelNoAngel Forumite
    774 Posts
    Part of the Furniture 500 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Thanks for all the replies. I totally respect my husband for his job and his earnings. To be fair to him when there is any overtime on offer I've never known him to say no. It's just unfortunate that for the last few months there hasn't been this option.

    We have had a more civilised chat tonight and I've taken into account a lot of your comments. I felt that most of them were on my side and he apologised for disregarding my suggestion so quickly and said he will support me whatever I decide. So I'm going to do the 4 days. Part of his problem is resentment that he can't do part time, so he's also going to speak to work and see if that's a possibility. It won't make a difference financially (as DD won't have to go to nursery that day).

    We have also discussed the housework issue (again!) we are going to make a list of all of the jobs I do and then share them out more equally and it's going to start with him preparing 2 meals a week now. I'm also only going to make his lunch if I can do it the night before- don't care if he prefers fresher sandwiches!!
  • Auntie_ScebAuntie_Sceb Forumite
    161 Posts
    Sixth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    NoAngel wrote: »
    Hi all. Just after a bit of advice and I need a bit of a moan!

    I'm on maternity leave and my LO is 7 months old. I'm job hunting at the moment as my previous job came to a natural end at the end of a contract. I've been offered a job which is paying 35k (9k more than previous job!!) and there is the option of part time. I spoke to my DH about this as I'd quite like to do 3/4 days to have some extra time with LO. DH earns 17k so I'm the main earner.

    Sounds like you need a new OH!

    I would do as little work as possible to be able to spend time with LO you can't get that time back. You will spend what you make so try living on as little as possible. Once you get used to having more it will be harder to get back

    Anyway without considering child care etc. Using

    Previous salary was £24 000 monthly take home after tax £1,606.23

    New salary £35 00 Full time take home.

    4 days (30hrs) £1,832.89
    3 days (22.5hrs) £1,436.23
  • NoAngel wrote: »
    I'm also only going to make his lunch if I can do it the night before- don't care if he prefers fresher sandwiches!!

    I was going to suggest that :)

    If he gets out of bed on time to make fresh ones then you can have the ones you made the previous night for your own lunch.
    I used to be an axolotl
  • smile24smile24 Forumite
    19 Posts
    I work 4 days slightly longer days and massively appreciate my 1 day mid week with my 2 year old.

    Has your OH spent a full day alone with your baby .. My OH works most Sundays so has a day off with her nearly every week and he now appreciates how tiring it is properly looking after her (not just sticking cbeebies on!) and trying to get housework done. He now cooks at least 50% of the meals and tries much harder with house jobs. We both agree a day keeping her entertained is just as tiring as going to work just different tiring.
  • LannieDuckLannieDuck Forumite
    2.4K Posts
    Eighth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Sounds like the talk went well. Fingers crossed he keeps to his word about the housework...
    Mortgage when started: £330,995

    “Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”
    Arthur C. Clarke
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