As my name might suggest...

Confusedandneedhelp

Yes but how? I don't know how to stop.

I have this image in my head of all of us together and I don't know how to stop it.

And I don't really want to. I don't like being alone.

marisco_2

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

I have this image in my head of all of us together and I don't know how to stop it.

And I don't really want to. I don't like being alone.

Few people want to face being alone and starting again, when they are holding out to share life with someone special to them and to be part of a family unit. How realistic is this image that you have of you all being together though? Could things ever get to that point for you all, or have things deteriorated too far for that to be a possibility any more?

You are currently feeling worthless, you don't know where you stand and seem very apprehensive about trying to talk all this through. For fear of rocking already very shaky foundations to your connection with this lady. If you cant talk openly and honestly with the mother of your children, due to being worried that she will feel pressured, then the relationship is already broken. Your opinions and feelings should count just as much as hers.

justme111

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Yes but how? I don't know how to stop.

I have this image in my head of all of us together and I don't know how to stop it.

And I don't really want to. I don't like being alone.

It's very annoying when a man that a woman left still has "an image of them together". And then uses children and friendly relationship as means to get together.
Granted , she was not polite in disappearing on you. You will know now what to expect if you wanted to go for a drink with her ever again.
I just feel for your children, they are being used as pawns in your love life . Nothing of what we say here is going to make a difference , you are on your best behaviour only while you think you may get together , thats your aim , not all this sanctimonious "becoming a better person that she might want ".

justme111

marisco wrote: »

Few people want to face being alone and starting again, when they are holding out to share life with someone special to them and to be part of a family unit. How realistic is this image that you have of you all being together though? Could things ever get to that point for you all, or have things deteriorated too far for that to be a possibility any more?

You are currently feeling worthless, you don't know where you stand and seem very apprehensive about trying to talk all this through. For fear of rocking already very shaky foundations to your connection with this lady. If you cant talk openly and honestly with the mother of your children, due to being worried that she will feel pressured, then the relationship is already broken. Your opinions and feelings should count just as much as hers.

I would say its too early to try and determine how realistic that being together again dream is.
I think you may have got the wrong end of the stick here , marisco. He feels he can not speak his mind up because he knows he does not have a leg to stand on with what he had to say. It is wanting life together with a woman who already said "no" to it. How many times would it be reasonable for one to "speak his mind" and say "but I want it !"?

Confusedandneedhelp

Just an update. Sunday and Monday were bad days. She's not talking to me at the moment, resulted in a big anxiety attack / depression. Not my best moments, very self putting and upset.

So I decided to contact relate, I thought it better to pay for therapy now than wait and get worse. So phoned them up and got an assessment today.

Counsellor was excellent. We only touched on issues. But a number of things came up:

Control issues and the stem
Anxiety
Anger
Abandonment
Trust issues
( god I'm such a catch!)

Anyway, I was convinced my ex was with someone else etc etc. ( obviously I don't know for sure, but I now don't think this) because previous relationship ended when that gf cheated on me with one person, and got together with a friend of mine very shortly after. But these are two seperate people and the same thing won't necessarily happen.

That was one thing I'm glad I addressed, because in the session the therapist challenged me to think what my ex might have felt and be feeling.

If I'm cut up and not ready to move on, why do I presume she is?

My sister spoke to my ex the other day, they do speak sometimes. She seemed to indicate that she wasn't ready to give up on me just yet, but she didn't want to be with me when all these issues are so prominent.
I don't blame her, it must've been hard for her.

Anyway it was only session one, but I want to continue and as the therapist said we can address one issue at a time and drop these anchors I'm carrying.

So abit more positive today.

tayforth

marisco wrote: »

I get the impression she has comfortably shelved you in the 'friend zone'. She is not that into you, but she is happy for you to stick around and be a dot in her circle of friends. A woman doesn't spend an age getting ready, then spend only an hour of her time with a man before disappearing on him without a word, if she has any respect or depth of feeling for him. To also decide to cancel a holiday at the last minute, that you said further up the thread was for the children as much as yourselves speaks volumes too.

Cut this relationship loose and just be there for your children before it hurts you too much. Self-preservation is the best you can do, because she's already made it clear she doesn't really want to be with you. So, before you turn into the dejected partner on the couch with a bottle of alcohol, stop pursuing her.

^^^^^ This.

Confusedandneedhelp

tayforth wrote: »

^^^^^ This.

Not ready to give up just yet. Once I get the treatment I need, I will give it one last shot.

If not then I can atleast say I did my best

Confusedandneedhelp

I don't really understand the woman's way of thinking, so can someone please elaborate this for me:

I walk in to a bar, go grab a beer. Turn around and my ex is locking lips with another bloke. Obviously I'm annoyed, I just go off to a corner to finish my beer. Long story short, I left and the next day she says she did that for my benefit. To get back at me / get me to leave.

Since then we've talked quite a lot. And she's actually been quite adamant that it was just a kids and that's it, just because I was there.

So why do that? I just don't get it.

marisco_2

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Long story short, I left and the next day she says she did that for my benefit.

What kind of relationship do you expect to have if she's like that? Be there for your kids but let her go and move on with your life.

Cottage_Economy

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

I don't really understand the woman's way of thinking, so can someone please elaborate this for me:

I walk in to a bar, go grab a beer. Turn around and my ex is locking lips with another bloke. Obviously I'm annoyed, I just go off to a corner to finish my beer. Long story short, I left and the next day she says she did that for my benefit. To get back at me / get me to leave.

Since then we've talked quite a lot. And she's actually been quite adamant that it was just a kids and that's it, just because I was there.

So why do that? I just don't get it.

She is telling you your relationship is over, but given the way you act is unable to tell you properly. You have meltdowns over the slightest thing, create huge imaginary goings on over the smallest things like a necklace, and probably question her endlessly about what she's doing. When she goes out to the pub to relax you're there angling to get back with her.

She's trying to tell you something in the way us women do when words have failed.