As my name might suggest...

marisco_2

An organisation that is often overlooked is the Samaritans. They are there for people who go through all sorts of problems and upsets in their lives. You can either phone them and talk things through, or there is the option of going along and having a face to face meeting. When I went through a really dark time in my life a few years back I found their help invaluable. They enabled me to see what was happening in my life from another perspective, and it was good to just talk out a lot of what I was thinking and feeling. They are well placed to advise of other support networks available for you too. Their phone number is 08457 909090.

Confusedandneedhelp

Thanks I'll definitely take a look.

Confusedandneedhelp

Need to learn, never check a phone.

Because I just did and saw a name not familiar with and a discussion of dropping a necklace off.

Did see the full text, but meh

Edit: anyone wanting my advice, do not check ur ex's phone, because u can't win in the situation.

I'd like to ask about it, but I can't really can I?! Not without saying I've checked ur phone.

marisco_2

I take it the full text goes beyond any innocent exchange about a necklace and has content in it that has concerned you. I was under the impression that you two were working at getting back together. Is this the case or not? If it is then yes I think you can approach her and ask what is going on. Sure explaining that you read her phone may be awkward but no worse than the possibility that she is up to something behind your back. However if you two are split up and not trying to make a go of it, then what she gets up to in her private life is no longer your concern or business.

Confusedandneedhelp

marisco wrote: »

I take it the full text goes beyond any innocent exchange about a necklace and has content in it that has concerned you. I was under the impression that you two were working at getting back together. Is this the case or not? If it is then yes I think you can approach her and ask what is going on. Sure explaining that you read her phone may be awkward but no worse than the possibility that she is up to something behind your back. However if you two are split up and not trying to make a go of it, then what she gets up to in her private life is no longer your concern or business.

I don't know, I only had a glimpse and stopped, so in fairness I don't know.

I got that feeling too, and we've been close, though just literally messing about. So I don't know what to do. I don't want to spoil the situation now by asking her but my mind is also racing.

We're going on holiday next week for the kids, and I don't want to spoil it.

song_of_calliope

The mumsnet forums are great for discussing this type of situation. There are men who post there as well but the majority are women so you can get a woman's perspective on your issues. They will give it to you straight.

marisco_2

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

I don't want to spoil the situation now by asking her but my mind is also racing.

As you are left with your mind racing, coming up with scenarios in your head that gives you no peace of mind, then you need to address things. This recent discovery and your reaction to it kind of highlights how far you two have disconnected. Do you feel able to place any trust in this lady? Are you feeling like an important part of her life any more, and someone who she would not wish to be in a state of insecurity and suffering angst? Has communication broken down between you both, to the point where you cant turn to her, and seek reassurance about your relationship? Try and sort things out before your holiday because she and the children could pick up on any worry and tension you are feeling.

Tashatutuw

OP you sound very insecure about yourself, constantly second guessing your actions at every point - even with your posts here. I wonder if this is a part of your depression (or has helped lead to your depression) and certainly could be a part of your anger outbursts (using anger to defend yourself when you feel unsure of the situation rather than feeling 'attacked' or hurt by things)... I really commend you on the positive steps you have taken towards getting help and think the counselling will be fantastic for you as would contacting charities suggested by prevous posters such as Relate and Samaritans.

I don't think it is a good idea to linger too much on this text which was probably innocent enough. As you stated, it wasn't ideal for you to be reading in the first place although I am sure you did not do this maliciously and it would put her on the defensive thinking that you are being controlling and 'checking up on her'.

As a few have said, my suggestions would be to continue along the path that you are on at the moment. Give her time. She will need to see that the changes are permanent changes and not just as temporary as it takes to get her back.. Give her confidence in you and be attentive without being cloying as to give her confidence in your love for her. At the end of it all, even if the relationship is irretrivable, she will always trust you with the children if you prove yourself a changed and caring Father now.

duchy

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

My main issues are the lack of time as a couple, which others have commented on and are important as far as I'm concerned. But I don't know how to address that until she is ready to try again, it's not a situation currently where I can bring it up, I feel, with any real solution.
.

Really ?
How about finding a babysitter she approves of (maybe one of her Mum friends rather than a girlfriend of one of your Friday night mates though) and take her out for a meal . Not a date- just to show you appreciate her and enjoy her company.



I don't think you said how old you are but I'd guess early twenties and are realizing that Friday nights out with the lads aren't important if you're coming home to an empty flat instead of the family you are a part of .

Sounds like she's more disappointed in you than angry and is waiting to see if actions speak louder than words-and she's right. Most blokes will say anything but a keeper shows by his actions he's worth having and is changing.

As for the text ..... You do jump to conclusions - it could be a friend left it at hers.....or she left it at a friend's......... lots of scenarios. Frankly if you ask her about it she'd probably think you had a bloody nerve snooping on her phone-and she'd be right. Even if there was more to it-it's not any of your business anyway -and demanding an explanation is likely to alienate her anyhow. You're just going to have to forget about it -and learn that snoopers often find it bites them on the bum. Why were you snooping anyway ? Would you be OK with her snooping on your phone behind your back ?

Marisco is a poster I often agree with but you are NOT a couple at the moment (messing about doesn't count ) and I think admitting you did it and asking for an explanation is crossing a line -and could mess up all your good work.

justme111

Well u understand interest about what happens in her life so although it is not right thing to do I would understand why you looked at her phone. If you were her partner/husband I understand the conundrum would be how to bring up the subject without admitting you went through the phone. But in your case you should not be thinking about asking anything at all .I just can not fathom why you would think it is appropriate for you to ask her about her personal life. She has left you - remember ? You just HOPING that you can mend it, not already having her in your pocket.