As my name might suggest...

marisco_2

Good on you for arranging to approach your gp to seek help and guidance. I hope you will find him/her supportive and that yourself, your family and your relationship will benefit from anything that can be put in place.

Confusedandneedhelp

Thanks. I hope so.

I'm actually over at hers now to see the kids ( nipped out for a cig - another habit I'll be asking about tomoro)

So far so good, trying not to pester and just be friendly. It's difficult but I know that doing so will make things worse. So Ye just a little update. I'll try update the thread as thing progress ( or don't, I dunno what's going to happen yet )

Confusedandneedhelp

Just a quick update, not sure if this does any good or bad, but I wanted to acknowledge the things that I had done, so I spoke to her after kids went to bed. Told her that I acknowledged the things I'd done and started listing some things. I was hesitant of bringing up bad memories, but I need to acknowledge my mistakes, learn from them and stop hiding from my actions.

She listed off all the things that happened, but not angrily. I was calm throughout, no point getting upset at what's happened, I mean it's ok to be upset by it, but I can't change it, but I can learn and become better. So that's what I'm doing.

Worried that she'll just be thinking about the bad stuff now but I guess she probably was anyway.

Hope people don't mind me posting updates, just helps me keep my thoughts clear, when my head is messed up

marisco_2

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Worried that she'll just be thinking about the bad stuff now but I guess she probably was anyway.

Don't doubt yourself so much. You are making huge steps forward and have done the right thing. The mistakes you have made have damaged your relationship. That you have acknowledged these, and haven't become defensive or tried to justify them, proves you are doing all you can to eliminate hostility and a lack of trust between you and your partner. To many people it shows huge strength of character when someone can take ownership of any mistakes made, admit to them, apologise for them, find ways to fix things, and not repeat them. I hope your partner will see things this way and that all your efforts will help to get you two back on track soon.

Confusedandneedhelp

marisco wrote: »

Don't doubt yourself so much. You are making huge steps forward and have done the right thing. The mistakes you have made have damaged your relationship. That you have acknowledged these, and haven't become defensive or tried to justify them, proves you are doing all you can to eliminate hostility and a lack of trust between you and your partner. To many people it shows huge strength of character when someone can take ownership of any mistakes made, admit to them, apologise for them, find ways to fix things, and not repeat them. I hope your partner will see things this way and that all your efforts will help to get you two back on track soon.

Thanks that means a lot. With any prev relationships I've been disappointed they've ended but never like this. I actually want to listen, learn and change.

Thanks

Edit: I explained that my reason for wanting to fix things ( maybe I shouldn't have gone they, but the talk just did) was because I wanted to make her life nicer, it wasn't maybe the best thing to say after 3 years. But it's the truth, I want her back not for selfish reasons. I want her and my kids back to care, provide and support them. That's the truth. So I may aswell be honest. I know that I've made mistakes, I can't change those. But being clear headed helps

elsien

Without wanting to stir things up at all, I'm also wondering what she's going to be doing on her side to help fix the relationship, and when you're both going to be in a calm enough place to discuss that.
You've listed your faults and what you want to do to fix them, which is commendable. But a relationship goes both ways, you can't do all the fixing on your own, and neither should you. You may need to build bridges to start with but then it's down to the both of you. There is a danger you'll end up feeling resentful if your issues with her aren't also able to be talked about openly and sensibly between each other.
Have you looked at something like Relate where you can both say what you want/need from each other in a more neutral environment?

Confusedandneedhelp

elsien wrote: »

Without wanting to stir things up at all, I'm also wondering what she's going to be doing on her side to help fix the relationship, and when you're both going to be in a calm enough place to discuss that.
You've listed your faults and what you want to do to fix them, which is commendable. But a relationship goes both ways, you can't do all the fixing on your own, and neither should you. You may need to build bridges to start with but then it's down to the both of you. There is a danger you'll end up feeling resentful if your issues with her aren't also able to be talked about openly and sensibly between each other.
Have you looked at something like Relate where you can both say what you want/need from each other in a more neutral environment?

Thanks for your comment, your absolutely right and the relate website is open on my phone. I would like to address my issues with the relationship too, but I take more blame as I think more I due to me.

My main issues are the lack of time as a couple, which others have commented on and are important as far as I'm concerned. But I don't know how to address that until she is ready to try again, it's not a situation currently where I can bring it up, I feel, with any real solution.

Funny thing is we had a great relationship for ages, but I feel that perhaps my actions affected that more than hers.

justme111

Women are incredibly forgiving creatures , what we need to forgive is iust acknowledging so I would bet on you being spot on in doing that. If she had enough and does not forgive it still will make you a better person and your life will be better and your relationship with kids as well. Well done. Please don't try to fix things , leave the ball in her court and please please no pressure , we don't like that and it would be arrogant and disrespectful of you to expect her to open her arms just because you said so.

Confusedandneedhelp

justme111 wrote: »

Women are incredibly forgiving creatures , what we need to forgive is iust acknowledging so I would bet on you being spot on in doing that. If she had enough and does not forgive it still will make you a better person and your life will be better and your relationship with kids as well. Well done. Please don't try to fix things , leave the ball in her court and please please no pressure , we don't like that and it would be arrogant and disrespectful of you to expect her to open her arms just because you said so.

Your spot on and I defo don't expect that. It'd be great, but I'd rather wait for a long term solution than a quick fix that falls short after a week

Confusedandneedhelp

Just a quick update, went to the GPs this morning, prescribed anti depressants and referred for counselling. Unfortunately it's abit of a wait, 6wks+. But mean time just going to stay positive. Try find a 3rd sector organisation which might help too, but hopefully the meds will help.

Thanks for reading