As my name might suggest...

tayforth

You can't make your ex love you again.

You can't make her want you back.

You don't trust her.

You have shown yourself to be untrustworthy by going through her phone.

I've seen some of your comments on other threads, and honestly, I think you have some very worrying views on relationships.

Give your ex some space, that's my advice.

Queen81

How's it going now OP?

Confusedandneedhelp

Song of calliope - thanks I'll definitely take a look there.

Marisco - well I was wrong it was innocent, atleast on her part. I should've known that anyway. Stupid me, lesson learnt. A: don't check on phones. B: don't jump to conclusions. It was some friend of a friend when she was on a night out, lent some money to and asked to hold her necklace. I do trust her, but moment of weakness and all that. This chap might've been interested in more but she isn't reciprocating, so that's that. But as I say none of my business anyway.

Tashatutuw - I think ur absolutely right. I am insecure though in public or with new people that's not the issue. I'm confident, happy to talk to anyone etc. the thing is it's BS talk mostly, no links, no commitments etc ( I mean that in all ways, ie professional etc too). But I know anger is my defence mechanism, it's like if I get angry then I'm in control even if things go wrong. Doesn't really make sense, but that's it really. Maybe it's because I'm not minded like her when it comes to being house proud, or to making plans for holidays etc. I'm confident in common life, but not family life if that makes sense. I know no-ones childhood is perfect but a lot of this stems from childhood issues if abandonment etc, won't go into detail. So I build this wall of anger and prickles as my ex says. I'm not controlling, but I want to be in control if that makes sense, eg I don't care if she goes out, doesn't text, stays out at her friends or whatever. I just like to know if I should expect her back at 12 or the next morning, I know that's stupid but it's just how my head works. ( hopefully that will change) I do think ur right though

Duchy - I'm 28, she's 32, yes I knew that for a while to be honest about going out vs empty flat. Unfortunately we really don't have anyone who has kids the same age who would do it, who we know well enough anyway. But it's definitely affected us. Your right though, actions louder than words. Just so it's clear, messing about literally I mean having a laugh, taking mock in a flirty way maybe, but nothing more. That's what I missed most, sex life was ok even at the end, it's the fun times I missed most. I don't have anything to hide on my phone, but I know that's not your point, it's a breach of trust.

Just me - thanks for the reality check

Tayforth - views on other relationships aren't generally the ones on my own. Just like speeding or smoking, I tell others not to, but still I do. But I understand what your saying thank u

Queen81 - thanks, it's sort of ok, she's disappointed, again, because of the phone thing. And another poster said, it's not anger it's disappointment. But I'm taking meds, waiting for counselling and enjoying work which helps. Hopefully we'll be back to a week ago before long and can enjoy the holiday. I have lots to prove and make it more difficult for myself, something I need to stop doing.

Thanks everyone for your comments

Queen81

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Song of calliope - thanks I'll definitely take a look there.

Marisco - well I was wrong it was innocent, atleast on her part. I should've known that anyway. Stupid me, lesson learnt. A: don't check on phones. B: don't jump to conclusions. It was some friend of a friend when she was on a night out, lent some money to and asked to hold her necklace. I do trust her, but moment of weakness and all that. This chap might've been interested in more but she isn't reciprocating, so that's that. But as I say none of my business anyway.

Tashatutuw - I think ur absolutely right. I am insecure though in public or with new people that's not the issue. I'm confident, happy to talk to anyone etc. the thing is it's BS talk mostly, no links, no commitments etc ( I mean that in all ways, ie professional etc too). But I know anger is my defence mechanism, it's like if I get angry then I'm in control even if things go wrong. Doesn't really make sense, but that's it really. Maybe it's because I'm not minded like her when it comes to being house proud, or to making plans for holidays etc. I'm confident in common life, but not family life if that makes sense. I know no-ones childhood is perfect but a lot of this stems from childhood issues if abandonment etc, won't go into detail. So I build this wall of anger and prickles as my ex says. I'm not controlling, but I want to be in control if that makes sense, eg I don't care if she goes out, doesn't text, stays out at her friends or whatever. I just like to know if I should expect her back at 12 or the next morning, I know that's stupid but it's just how my head works. ( hopefully that will change) I do think ur right though

Duchy - I'm 28, she's 32, yes I knew that for a while to be honest about going out vs empty flat. Unfortunately we really don't have anyone who has kids the same age who would do it, who we know well enough anyway. But it's definitely affected us. Your right though, actions louder than words. Just so it's clear, messing about literally I mean having a laugh, taking mock in a flirty way maybe, but nothing more. That's what I missed most, sex life was ok even at the end, it's the fun times I missed most. I don't have anything to hide on my phone, but I know that's not your point, it's a breach of trust.

Just me - thanks for the reality check

Tayforth - views on other relationships aren't generally the ones on my own. Just like speeding or smoking, I tell others not to, but still I do. But I understand what your saying thank u

Queen81 - thanks, it's sort of ok, she's disappointed, again, because of the phone thing. And another poster said, it's not anger it's disappointment. But I'm taking meds, waiting for counselling and enjoying work which helps. Hopefully we'll be back to a week ago before long and can enjoy the holiday. I have lots to prove and make it more difficult for myself, something I need to stop doing.

Thanks everyone for your comments

Well all you can do is be patient and just let her do things in her own time, good on you for taking the tablets, they'll help. Keep is posted

Ozzuk

You mention you are working again, I don't know how tight money is but you could look for private counselling. There are online directories that list skillsets and prices are usually 40/45GBP an hour. If you can afford it then could be a good investment, and you could continue with your NHS counselling when it starts.

I recognise some of your trust issues from my past, you really need to stop that and you should never have checked the phone. Little things (and its not that little) will just undermine anything good you do and will make the doubts stronger. You need to be on your own, learn to like yourself, be more self-reliant - get out and do some new stuff, be a more rounded person and hopefully in doing that you will find the energy and strength to be a better person, and then, capable of being a better partner. At that point, you may find you are able to make it work with your ex, but even if you can't, you'll hopefully be in a better place and able to deal with it and be there for the kids.

Good luck!

Confusedandneedhelp

Ozzuk wrote: »

You mention you are working again, I don't know how tight money is but you could look for private counselling. There are online directories that list skillsets and prices are usually 40/45GBP an hour. If you can afford it then could be a good investment, and you could continue with your NHS counselling when it starts.

I recognise some of your trust issues from my past, you really need to stop that and you should never have checked the phone. Little things (and its not that little) will just undermine anything good you do and will make the doubts stronger. You need to be on your own, learn to like yourself, be more self-reliant - get out and do some new stuff, be a more rounded person and hopefully in doing that you will find the energy and strength to be a better person, and then, capable of being a better partner. At that point, you may find you are able to make it work with your ex, but even if you can't, you'll hopefully be in a better place and able to deal with it and be there for the kids.

Good luck!

I was thinking this, money is tight, but I'm debating it:

1: provide more money for kids as at the moment it's only £70 a week, which isn't a lot
2: fix myself quicker so that if we do fix our relationship I'm providing my full wage to the household.

I don't want to take money that could go to my kids though. I'm no deadbeat dad. I'd pay more if I could, I literally budget to bills and food, a tiny amount for socialising, approx 30 a month and the rest goes to them. I'd give them the 30 quid too but I'd be no good to anyone without a little escape from reality - some might disagree with that and fair enough if u do.

Ironically I work for the NHS but it's entry level wage, the work is exciting and interesting, and potentially lead to a good career, but until then I'm living wage level.

Hopefully something comes up trumps soon

tiger_eyes

I was prescribed antidepressants recently and after a few weeks started feeling quite a bit better. Hoping they'll be as successful for you.

Confusedandneedhelp

They seem to be, thank you.

Life just doesn't give me a break it seems though, car costing me 300+ pounds so now I'm skint, and need to borrow for the holiday. Not being funny but come on universe throw me a bone

Confusedandneedhelp

Ok an update and I'd like some opinions.

So we were supposed to go on holiday tomorrow, that won't be happening.

Here's why:

Yesterday, finally her mum agreed to have the kids so me and my ex thought we'd go out for a few drinks etc. atleast I thought so.

So drop kids off, I get changed. And just potter around the living room whilst she gets ready. Comes thru, looks fantastic. I'm obviously happy and we get a taxi to town.

Have a few drinks, it's quiet in places, but we seem ok. She suggests I text someone who's out and we meet up. So we do that, I go for a cigarette and she disappears. Not a word to me.

I got annoyed, I knew where she'd be, so I went there and was like !!!!!!?! She tells me to leave etc. I don't.

Long story is I get very drunk, she gets annoyed that I don't just go home and leave her alone and so no holiday.

Aside from the obvious of getting drunk and not going home, which I know is what I should've done.
I'm upset and here's my logic: I've waited 2 yrs and more for a night out together and she spends longer getting ready than she does with me, then leaves me without a word, to meet some ppl she knows ( but according to her she ran into them, I don't believe that )

It's made me feel really worthless. I can't believe I'm only worth an hour to her, and then she just dumps me to go see them. It's really hurt me. And now the holiday is ruined which is !!!!.

And I don't know what to think anymore. Stupidly I still care about her, but clearly she doesn't. It's just such a blow

marisco_2

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

I'm upset and here's my logic: I've waited 2 yrs and more for a night out together and she spends longer getting ready than she does with me, then leaves me without a word, to meet some ppl she knows

I get the impression she has comfortably shelved you in the 'friend zone'. She is not that into you, but she is happy for you to stick around and be a dot in her circle of friends. A woman doesn't spend an age getting ready, then spend only an hour of her time with a man before disappearing on him without a word, if she has any respect or depth of feeling for him. To also decide to cancel a holiday at the last minute, that you said further up the thread was for the children as much as yourselves speaks volumes too.

Cut this relationship loose and just be there for your children before it hurts you too much. Self-preservation is the best you can do, because she's already made it clear she doesn't really want to be with you. So, before you turn into the dejected partner on the couch with a bottle of alcohol, stop pursuing her.