As my name might suggest...

marisco_2

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

This is what I need, and by the way it's over two years. Sure we've played board games or watched telly, but always with the knowledge that there's three kids in the house.

Thank u for the post

Two years without there being any proper time to connect with each other on a regular basis! Wow, it is small wonder your relationship with your partner is suffering. Spending time together as a couple seems to have fallen to the bottom of your priority lists. Do either of you know what the other is going through on a daily basis or how you each feel about those things? When people stop connecting to each other emotionally, they can end up feeling like strangers after a period of time and not know how to interact with each other properly. Would it be fair to say that is where you are both at now?

This is not an easy concept for many people to get their heads round but you are a couple first and parents second. It's vital for parents to prioritize their relationship and to make time to spend together. As much as parenting children is important so is taking care of what you two share together, when you consider that your relationship is the backbone of your family. If that relationship breaks down, the whole family breaks down and young children suffer immensely. Devoting time to each other is the best thing you can do for your children. Is there anyone amongst your friends or family, who could step in and help with the children, to give you two some much needed space and time with each other?

WelshDragoness

For the moment I would perhaps focus on helping with the children, even if it means looking after them whilst your girlfriend goes out?, she may need this time on her own or with friends to focus on what is important in the relationship going forward.By showing this commitment to the family this may also have the added bonus of showing your girlfriend how things as a family could be, if, she doesn't want to be with you, you will still be benefiting everyone, the children will be used to having a good father who is there for them, and if you end up living apart permanantly they will enjoy their time with you and want to be part of you life. Don't rush into forever, focus on now, and your kids, good luck.

dandelionclock30

By actions I mean things like turning up on time to see the kids, being attentive to them, making sure you pay for whats needed, get them presents for birthdays, xmas etc. Dont be letting them down ever or ringing up making excuses.
Ask your ex about herself how shes managing etc,be attentive, thoughtfull , supportive etc. Not be winging on about your own problems or yourself and what you want. All this will set you in good stead, Good luck.

neverdespairgirl

JadedAngel88 wrote: »

@Confusednadneedhelp
If you have to change things about you to fit into a mold that your girlfriend likes, then she's not the one for you. Find someone that accepts you for who you are, what you are warts and all.

I can't help but think that this is silly advice.

It depends what the "warts" are, surely? If someone is bad-tempered, aggressive, mean, nasty, a bad partner, a poor father, has bad habits that damage himself as well as other people (OP, this is meant in general terms, not a description of you!) surely both the person himself as well as others in his life is better if he takes a long hard look at himself and changes some things about his life and attitudes?

Confusedandneedhelp

marisco wrote: »

Two years without there being any proper time to connect with each other on a regular basis! Wow, it is small wonder your relationship with your partner is suffering. Spending time together as a couple seems to have fallen to the bottom of your priority lists. Do either of you know what the other is going through on a daily basis or how you each feel about those things? When people stop connecting to each other emotionally, they can end up feeling like strangers after a period of time and not know how to interact with each other properly. Would it be fair to say that is where you are both at now?

This is not an easy concept for many people to get their heads round but you are a couple first and parents second. It's vital for parents to prioritize their relationship and to make time to spend together. As much as parenting children is important so is taking care of what you two share together, when you consider that your relationship is the backbone of your family. If that relationship breaks down, the whole family breaks down and young children suffer immensely. Devoting time to each other is the best thing you can do for your children. Is there anyone amongst your friends or family, who could step in and help with the children, to give you two some much needed space and time with each other?

I totally agree with you, but it just never seemed a priority for my partner. I know that there are hundreds of things that need to get done, I know that raising three kids isn't a walk in the park.

Just whenever I'd suggest getting family to babysit ( mine live far away so inevitably it's her parents who help most ) I'd get something along the lines of 'my parents do enough, where's your mum to babysit', I wasn't trying to compete I just wanted us to go out, let our hair down and have a laugh. It's hard when it's constant 4am start, then work ( or being quite badly unwell), then home for a couple hours of mixture of fighting and whinging to kids having fun, before they go to bed and there's a mountain of washing up, hoovering etc. just want some us time.

Confusedandneedhelp

WelshDragoness wrote: »

For the moment I would perhaps focus on helping with the children, even if it means looking after them whilst your girlfriend goes out?, she may need this time on her own or with friends to focus on what is important in the relationship going forward.By showing this commitment to the family this may also have the added bonus of showing your girlfriend how things as a family could be, if, she doesn't want to be with you, you will still be benefiting everyone, the children will be used to having a good father who is there for them, and if you end up living apart permanantly they will enjoy their time with you and want to be part of you life. Don't rush into forever, focus on now, and your kids, good luck.

Thank u for the good advice.

Confusedandneedhelp

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

By actions I mean things like turning up on time to see the kids, being attentive to them, making sure you pay for whats needed, get them presents for birthdays, xmas etc. Dont be letting them down ever or ringing up making excuses.
Ask your ex about herself how shes managing etc,be attentive, thoughtfull , supportive etc. Not be winging on about your own problems or yourself and what you want. All this will set you in good stead, Good luck.

Great advice thank u

Confusedandneedhelp

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I can't help but think that this is silly advice.

It depends what the "warts" are, surely? If someone is bad-tempered, aggressive, mean, nasty, a bad partner, a poor father, has bad habits that damage himself as well as other people (OP, this is meant in general terms, not a description of you!) surely both the person himself as well as others in his life is better if he takes a long hard look at himself and changes some things about his life and attitudes?

No no I understand and some of it applies to me, I need to be calmer. I didn't used to be like this, I guess the pressure and stress got to both of us. Thanks

Confusedandneedhelp

In case anyone interested, by some luck my gps had at appointment for tomoro morning so going to speak to them about coinciding and medication

ttc39

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

In case anyone interested, by some luck my gps had at appointment for tomoro morning so going to speak to them about coinciding and medication

That's great, you sound determined to get through this , good luck x