As my name might suggest...

Confusedandneedhelp

Basically I've been with my girlfriend for over 3 years and honestly our relationship has been turbulent.

She had 2 children from before who I have informally adopted ( ie not legally but I'm their dad) and one child together.

3 years ago we were going to break up, shortly after we got together, about 4 months. mainly because we were at different points in our lives. Ie I was living alone and pretty much care free before I met her so the adjustment was difficult for me.

Anyway found out she was pregnant and obviously didn't want to end things. So we stayed together.

Now I know there's two sides to every story and I'll try to give an unbiased view but ofcourse that's difficult so please do ask for any clarification.

Anyway I was trying to adjust to life like a family and for the most part, ie the routine, it was fine. But one thing that she didn't like was my mates, who were very much live for the moment, get drunk etc etc attitude. And if I did go out with them she was sure that I was being prompted to break it off with her, I wasn't, or chatting up girls, because that's what they did - I wasn't, and I think partly jealousy that I was going out and she wasn't.
Couple with when we did both go out she didn't get on with a number of people and stupidly I tried to stay impartial. I admit this was a mistake, I should always have had her back.

There were other issues too, Facebook, god I hate Facebook, statuses and pictures and messages with exes which I genuinely never thought to delete but which upset her ( all from before we met I should explain).

Anyway those were the initial issues which just seemed to linger. We are both stubborn and not easily drop things. So a lot of these problems were never resolved and kept coming up.

We'd argue and fall out, but there was never a I forgive u moment almost like the issues were put away in a box, unfortunately the box just got bigger and bigger, ie having to sell house after losing my job, through illness ( but added pressure on her ) money wasted, because I'm rubbish with money.

A big issue is my temper ( I'll stress at this point I've never hit anyone, ever) - but still having a bad temper or short fuse or whatever u want to call it has been a big problem.

Basically I wasn't a very good partner.

To summarise:
Temper
Perceived lack of interest in the kids
Money problems
My behaviour at the start
And the usual little things ( house work sharing etc)

Those are my main flaws in her opinion.

For my part:
I feel like I was often ignored by her, I do understand raising three kids is tiring but in over 2 years we've not had a night out together. Even when I tried to arrange it, there was often some excuse. So I felt very much unloved or unimportant.

So anyway that's a summary, now onto the crux: in feb we broke up. Which clearly hurt both if us. It wasn't a big blow up, it's been coming because of all the issues. But the kicker is I actually want to fix things and am now taking steps to change aspects of my personality which have damaged our relationship. I do lover her still and I miss seeing my kids every day.

Unfortunately I have been stupid between then and now and have pestered her and although I've done good and nice things, it's a case of one step forward two back, as I'm impatient and she's upset that I'm only doing nice things to get her back. Which isn't 100% true but certainly that's the main goal.

I know that she still cares and wants to fix things but not until I change. But she's not willing to live as we were with many broken promises.

So main priority is to show her I'm a great dad, which I am but perhaps I can do more. That's what she wants from me mainly, the issues revolve around that. I'm under no illusions this will take a few months to prove.

I've been trying to do this anyway but my feelings for her have got in the way and I end up being pushy etc which ruins the good I do.

So I just need advice on:
How to keep feelings in check when I'm around her
How to keep contact to a minimum when I can't go NC
How people have dealt with their anger problems
And just what people think and what similar experiences and results have been

thorsoak

I thought you were renting a room in a shared house?

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4900896

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/64821309#Comment_64821309

Confusedandneedhelp

Sorry perhaps I've missed the relevance, I actually rented my own flat as u can see in the second post. And as u can see that was in February, when we split up and I moved out? I've just not posted my story until now because I was trying to fix it myself and failing?

Oh and I found a back door to get into my flat, incase anyone was interested after checking the threads

Confusedandneedhelp

Wow, sorry my style isn't to your liking. Genuinely not a troll or spam. Actually just wanted some advise and typing on my iPhone.

But thanks for that. Just forget it, only wanted some help coping.

Edit: u know what, it's highly offensive to me, that I've taken the time to write up what's happened, on a tiny screen, to try get some help and u just respond like that.

My first two threads were asking for advice about housing when I needed to move out. Now I'm abit more settled, and was hoping for some support. Not everyone who's new is spamming. Some people actually just want some advise sometimes. And full respect to the people that come on the site to give it, but I don't get what it is I've written that's made u say spam/troll which will now put others off too. So thanks pal.

Confusedandneedhelp

Anyone reading this, I'm really not a troll or a spammer and just want some help. I'm honestly not sure why two people have said this, but clearly it's stopped others from answering, and all I wanted was some advice

Confusedandneedhelp

Well doesn't matter since two people just presumed something and put everyone else off.

I actually wanted so e advice and spent a good amount if time trying to give balanced view if our problems.

But 1 person can't be bothered to read the full post, I clearly put we broke up in feb! And the other didn't like my style of writing, so I must be a time waster.

Well !!!! u both, I actually just wanted some help.

*max*

I'm really perplexed as to what in the OP's post make people think he's a troll?? Am I missing something? :huh:

Confusedandneedhelp

*max* wrote: »

I'm really perplexed as to what in the OP's post make people think he's a troll?? Am I missing something? :huh:

U and me both, but after 200+ views ur basically the first person to say that. Which just tells me there's 200 people who won't come back to the thread now and therefore I'm not going to get the help I wanted.

fivetide

Go and see someone - councilling, they'll be able to give you some proper advice. Being able to tell the mrs that you are getting proper help will be a big plus.

The thing is you now you are doing these things and shoving her away but yet you still do them. At least you've recognised the issue, now you need to work on solving them.

If you don't want to see your GP there will be charity groups you could approach anonymously.

Confusedandneedhelp

Thanks buddy, I do plan to. Note sure which charities have been useful to others so hope others can share some experiences.

What about coping when I see her?

tayforth

Coping with what?