can you help me?

verbat123

judi no we do not do it, spicy or plain.

thank you money, I find myself taking a lot longer on this that I used to to pass the time, if I go out I go out for longer, if I go to the loo, I stay there for ages, my husband does not seem to ask where I have been.

There are 2 things that have been said, he came into the room where I was sitting and looked at me and said 'now what?' I had not said or done naything, must have been the way I looked, I have no idea but he left the room and never gave me a chance to say or do anything, the other one is some friends said they watched a TV show and I said I had not seen it and my husband said 'yes we did but you talked all the way through it' I have no idea if these two have any help to them.

I have started to speak to my friends and they say that I should talk to them and not to my husband because my emotions are so close to the edge, I keep finding myself bubbling up with tears, when talking to them or when I am alone,having a lump in my thorat, being very sensitive and close to the tears all the time, my friends tell me to keep it away from him and I do I do not cry infront of him, they say it will pass as it did last time and to keep doing what I am doing which is to keep very busy act happy, never cry infront of him stop questioning everything he says or does stop asking him why or can I help because I will come across as a bitter needy clingly and will ruin it all if it is coming back.

If I did speak to him I would not be able to do it without crying everything has become so sensitive, I would not be able to think of how to start the conversation without coming across as messed up so my friends say not to.

[Deleted User]

Maybe time to stop speculating, guessing and wondering - either talk to your husband (and listen!) or see some professional for relationship counselling

justme111

joolzred wrote: »

Maybe time to stop speculating, guessing and wondering - either talk to your husband (and listen!) or see some professional for relationship counselling

Have you read what op said - she tried to talk to him countless times , he declines there are any reasons for her to be concerned and doesnt want to talk about it !
Although I would agree , if op warned him she will just turn around , close the door and move out if he brushes her away then he might listened.
Op is not in a position of talking straight now though , I would second your suggestion of counselling and /or removing herself of situation - visiting relatives , holiday alone , whatever .

Cottage_Economy

verbat123 wrote: »

judi no we do not do it, spicy or plain.

I'm not sure I understand what this comment means. Well I think I do but just need to check.

Do you mean you do not do it since he's starting being cold towards you, or this is the way things normally are?

How long has this been ongoing? Since the beginning of this latest episode or since the beginning of the first one a couple of ago?

fed_up_and_stressed

Lack of bedroom action could be either a cause or a symptom. I wouldn't particular focus on this. It just fits in with the other issues the OP has been describing.

There is lots of second guesses. What is needed is some straight talking between the OP and her partner whether that be with relationship counselling or just a heart to heart.

Cottage_Economy

fed_up_and_stressed wrote: »

Lack of bedroom action could be either a cause or a symptom. I wouldn't particular focus on this. It just fits in with the other issues the OP has been describing.

There is lots of second guesses. What is needed is some straight talking between the OP and her partner whether that be with relationship counselling or just a heart to heart.

I would. If it has been ongoing since the beginning and hasn't changed I would be looking at exactly what caused that. If one person sexually checks out of a relationship permanently without explanation or regard for their partner it's incredibly cruel and unfair and needs investigating medically and/ or emotionally too if the cause is not apparent. It's not good enough for someone to say "nothing is wrong, everything is fine" when they won't sleep with their partner.

On the other hand, if sex is off the menu for the OP only during the times he emotionally checks out but does go back on the menu in between those times then yes, it could be a cause or a symptom and I wouldn't look at it in isolation.

verbat123

I found the strength today to talk to my husband, it was pointless, I asked he said yes, yes, yes, ok, very abrupt, dismissive and cold, I suppose he couldn't wait for me to be quiet, I was very good, I never cried, I am now but he's out and I am on here. I feel like I was treated as silly, nothing wrong, let it go, maybe far too sensitive but like he was doing me a favour by listening? Maybe not, maybe I had an idea in my head of what I wanted his replies to be and they were neither encouraging, helpful or made me feel at ease. It is like I have made it up in my head but that is not the case, all actions that were taken for granted before have gone.

Maybe whatever he said I would have taken it in the wrong way.

Maybe I am far too emotional to react properly or listen carefully, maybe I should have left it, now what do I do?

justme111

I said it already , you must have missed it , I will say again - counselling or removing yourself from that situation (visiting relatives , holiday alone etc).

kezzygirl

verbat123 wrote: »

I am not sure I have the proper wording to use,it all sounds stupid but it is real and hurts, I do not know what is going on, please bear with me and really hoping you can help me .


I am married for 30 years, kids and their friends, partners come and go but mainly off doing their own thing, we both have jobs, no debts, healthy, no hidden nasties like drink, drugs, gambling, secret affairs, he finishes work at 5pm, home by half past every day ,hard worker, best friends ,great husband, loving father, good social life,outdoor hobbies, we go out a lot, spend the weekends together, all good on paper.


Except it is not. I would say it started around two years ago, my husband just stopped being attentive in the bedroom or outside it, all the little things that make up a marriage, a cup of tea in bed, a wink or a brush of an arm, you look nice, an in joke or asking how you are or telling you they love you, all actions stopped, once he came into the kitchen, while I was making dinner, in complete silence made a cup of tea and went back into the living room. It felt just like I was a ghost, invisible, I just wasn’t there. I have never been treated like that, the marriage was always great.


I would ask and he would say there was nothing wrong, if I asked for a kiss he would give me one but never freely, he stopped being demonstrative, everything else in our lives just carried on as normal. No one would have noticed. It was completely alien to me and just totally bizarre.
If I asked he would say I was nagging or moaning, or he would say I was being ridiculous, that there is nothing to worry about, I asked for counselling and for him to see the GP, nothing he said, he was fine, stop going on.

From when it started to when it stopped I would say it was a few months, a few months of hell for me, the pain for me was intense and I was emotionally scarred by it all,I cried a lot alone, it was so cold and never had anything like this happen to our relationship so was unprepared and felt alone and tried so hard to find out why but never did. It was as if a light had gone off and came back on.



The second time this happened, a year or so later, with everything in between then fine,went on holidays, away for xmas , all back to normal, all forgotten this time I coped better ,it was out of the blue like the last time, no changes to see it coming but I had been badly scarred the last time so was more prepared and I just decided to carry on as normal , my life never missed a beat, I just kept letting him know by my caring, my actions, my words that I love him and wait for the light to come back on. It did. It really did not last that long and certainly never hurt near as much.


This third time I am in now, my emotions are on over drive, I am angry, I feel resentful and angry, I have done everything I can possibly think of to make it better, even though I never knew I had to?,the 50/50 has gone, it is all about pleasing him again or did I make it that way?


I feel like I am permanently walking on egg shells, my nerves are in tatters with worry, I feel it must be me, I must repulse him, I must be to blame, I told him the other day that it is enough and will not put up with the light going on and off, it is so hard, for a while I am a nobody just because he acts that way towards me and then all of a sudden I am the most important person in his life and back to sharing and being best friends. As if it never happened. It is like he doesn’t like me,


We talked , I asked him allsorts, was he ill, keeping a secret, struggling, in debt, was work too hard, was it me, did he just not like me, did he love me, had I done something, boredom, unhappy, all I really got back was platitudes, no work is fine, not ill,no debt, yes of course he likes me, loves me,no he was not unhappy, yes he sometimes gets bored but doesn’t everyone? No, nothing wrong, just shut up and be on your way type of answer.
I have told him how unfair this is, how badly I am being treated, to explain himself, to help me find out the cause and we can find a solution, I do not want to loose him at all but am not prepared to sell my soul.


I don’t understand why this is happening, he goes away emotionally, tactile, intimately, friendship, every which way and then comes back as if nothing has happened, it is all fine and fabulous, like it never happened.

This has never happened before, I am not prepared for this, I am floundering, I don’t know what I am supposed to do. As I write now, he is slowly coming back again, happy, chatty, loving, friendly all the things we have always had, that is good right??? I feel bruised. Sorry for the long post, thank you for reading, please help me.

I could have written this myself.My dh is also like this, except the 'light' very rarely comes back on.I left him a couple of years ago and he was devastated, six weeks later we got back together and he was so attentive, idolised me, and I felt that we got back to 'us'.

Again, that has all changed now and we are back to how we were.No passion, no affection, no flirting, no jokes.
mundane, drifting existence.
I too get mad- really,really infuriated that he could be so unloving and allow me to almost embarrass myself and throw myself at him for affection. Before, when we broke up, I once stood in the doorway dressed up in my wedding night attire-basque,etc. he looked up from the laptop,sniggered and looked back at the laptop.

I have never been so humiliated.I feel as though I pull towards him, he pulls away, after a while he may start pulling back to me,but at that point I back away again because I know it wont last forever, or it isnt genuine. I have spoken to him numerous times and he says he doesnt need affection like I do and when he does come to me and seek love,its because he feels insecure.

Im 28, he turns 41 tomorrow.Is it always supposed to be like this?apologies for highjacking the op, it just rang true to me in so many ways x

slightlyconfused1

justme111 wrote: »

I said it already , you must have missed it , I will say again - counselling or removing yourself from that situation (visiting relatives , holiday alone etc).

Maybe a couple of days away on your own would do you the world of good. Just remove yourself from that wall of coldness. It will give you the time to think and recharge your batteries.

His behaviour is taking a huge toll on you and it seems like there is nothing you can do to change it. Step away and start to take care of you, you deserve it.