can you help me?

verbat123

I am not sure I have the proper wording to use,it all sounds stupid but it is real and hurts, I do not know what is going on, please bear with me and really hoping you can help me .


I am married for 30 years, kids and their friends, partners come and go but mainly off doing their own thing, we both have jobs, no debts, healthy, no hidden nasties like drink, drugs, gambling, secret affairs, he finishes work at 5pm, home by half past every day ,hard worker, best friends ,great husband, loving father, good social life,outdoor hobbies, we go out a lot, spend the weekends together, all good on paper.


Except it is not. I would say it started around two years ago, my husband just stopped being attentive in the bedroom or outside it, all the little things that make up a marriage, a cup of tea in bed, a wink or a brush of an arm, you look nice, an in joke or asking how you are or telling you they love you, all actions stopped, once he came into the kitchen, while I was making dinner, in complete silence made a cup of tea and went back into the living room. It felt just like I was a ghost, invisible, I just wasn’t there. I have never been treated like that, the marriage was always great.


I would ask and he would say there was nothing wrong, if I asked for a kiss he would give me one but never freely, he stopped being demonstrative, everything else in our lives just carried on as normal. No one would have noticed. It was completely alien to me and just totally bizarre.
If I asked he would say I was nagging or moaning, or he would say I was being ridiculous, that there is nothing to worry about, I asked for counselling and for him to see the GP, nothing he said, he was fine, stop going on.

From when it started to when it stopped I would say it was a few months, a few months of hell for me, the pain for me was intense and I was emotionally scarred by it all,I cried a lot alone, it was so cold and never had anything like this happen to our relationship so was unprepared and felt alone and tried so hard to find out why but never did. It was as if a light had gone off and came back on.



The second time this happened, a year or so later, with everything in between then fine,went on holidays, away for xmas , all back to normal, all forgotten this time I coped better ,it was out of the blue like the last time, no changes to see it coming but I had been badly scarred the last time so was more prepared and I just decided to carry on as normal , my life never missed a beat, I just kept letting him know by my caring, my actions, my words that I love him and wait for the light to come back on. It did. It really did not last that long and certainly never hurt near as much.


This third time I am in now, my emotions are on over drive, I am angry, I feel resentful and angry, I have done everything I can possibly think of to make it better, even though I never knew I had to?,the 50/50 has gone, it is all about pleasing him again or did I make it that way?


I feel like I am permanently walking on egg shells, my nerves are in tatters with worry, I feel it must be me, I must repulse him, I must be to blame, I told him the other day that it is enough and will not put up with the light going on and off, it is so hard, for a while I am a nobody just because he acts that way towards me and then all of a sudden I am the most important person in his life and back to sharing and being best friends. As if it never happened. It is like he doesn’t like me,


We talked , I asked him allsorts, was he ill, keeping a secret, struggling, in debt, was work too hard, was it me, did he just not like me, did he love me, had I done something, boredom, unhappy, all I really got back was platitudes, no work is fine, not ill,no debt, yes of course he likes me, loves me,no he was not unhappy, yes he sometimes gets bored but doesn’t everyone? No, nothing wrong, just shut up and be on your way type of answer.
I have told him how unfair this is, how badly I am being treated, to explain himself, to help me find out the cause and we can find a solution, I do not want to loose him at all but am not prepared to sell my soul.


I don’t understand why this is happening, he goes away emotionally, tactile, intimately, friendship, every which way and then comes back as if nothing has happened, it is all fine and fabulous, like it never happened.

This has never happened before, I am not prepared for this, I am floundering, I don’t know what I am supposed to do. As I write now, he is slowly coming back again, happy, chatty, loving, friendly all the things we have always had, that is good right??? I feel bruised. Sorry for the long post, thank you for reading, please help me.

onlyroz

It it possible he's depressed? Some people react to stress by shrinking into themselves. Does he have a stressful job? Does he normally discuss problems with you or is he always closed?

fed_up_and_stressed

I don't mean this to sound blunt but I get the feeling that he doesn't realise he is doing this and how it affects you and probably doesn't mean to do this.

I know sometimes "i'm in my own little world" and it is not because of OH and what he is / isn't doing but he can think im being distant when im just thinking about other things or feeling knackered /ill etc.

Is OH under stress at work /tired ?.

Please talk to him about how this is making you feel and maybe arrange some quality time together ...

Remember that although you may feel he is ignoring you he may not be and you may be reading things into his actions that aren't there.

hazyjo

As onlyroz says, there may be some depression involved. Equally though, he may be utterly content and doesn't feel the need to express that, thinking you just know.

When you say you go out a lot, is that just the two of you or with others?

Sometimes we just sit there without really saying much, watching telly or the like. It's lovely when we go out cos we actually sit and chat to each other!

Make time for each other. I hate the expression 'date night' and don't like saying 'every whatever day of the week', but make it a spur of the moment thing (presuming no kids at home who need looking after). A drink in the local, dinner, just somewhere you can both go and communicate (eg not so much an activity or the cinema).

Jx

verbat123

Thank you for the replies. onlyroz we talked about depression as it seemed an answer but no he has not got it, his job he has been in a few years, seems to get on fine there, not majorly stressfull, he likes it and his last appraisal was very favourable, he has never been chat chat but all problems were talked about and then my opinion mattered, I am not so sure it does now.

fedup and stressed- he must know he does not have intimacy anymore?, I have tried real hard to talk to him but don't seem to get anywhere, it makes no sense other than the obvious, he doesn't like me anymore and is going to find a way to leave?

verbat123

I asked him out and he said no, we go out together and others, once we went out for a walk and then a long car back and although I tried to chat he never said much, seemed pointless me being there, he never seems to say anything nice anymore.

CH27

Does he withdraw from everyone or just you?

verbat123

ch27- I am the only one missing intimacy, kisses, cuddles, that stuff so I will answer just me.

vanessav

All 'the little things' that make up a marriage - the cup of tea, the telling you he loves you, the compliments - these are not really 'little'. For many people, they are the glue that holds a marriage together. For years, your marriage was special, you were the one he adored and you felt like the most important person to him.
Losing all that after 30 years must be a big shock to you.
As others have said, he may be depressed, he may not realise he is doing it. But he needs to know that it is a big deal to you. Tell him you are on the brink, that it has been 'hell' for you and it doesn't feel like marriage without that romance.
Ask him to be totally honest with you. He may be amazed that this is such a big deal. Or there may be a bigger reason (including depression). But if your intuition tells you that he is closing down on you, then you deserve to know why.

CH27

Can you pinpoint what triggers him coming back?

Bogof_Babe

Oh dear . Sorry to say this, but your post reminded me so much of when my OH was being pursued by a much younger female work colleague. His emotions were all over the place as he didn't know what he wanted any more.

Sorry but has to be said so you can begin to accept the possibility . I hope I'm wrong.

Edited to add that mine was adamant that nothing was wrong, and it was all in my mind. I was taken for a fool for over 12 months before it all came out.