can you help me?

justme111

I suspect people here are talking about personal existential things that you Could not help with , its quite telling that you think you can help with wverything.

verbat123

I do not know how to help with everything that I do not understand it so I do not know if I can help I do not understand it

Cottage_Economy

verbat123 wrote: »

dandelionclock30 thank you, ,marisco yes we need to know if we are both heading in the same vein, cottage economy what is he wrestling with? If only I knew I would help him, he knows that, so your friend's husband wanted to acoomplish more and took it out on his wife? What was it he wanted, did he do it? Are they happy now? Why he did not just tell his wife? Lollipop thank you. Fbaby that is exactly it, I really do not understand it , it is very hard to live in.

With my friend's husband - his job was ok, but not as great as he has hoped it would and he didn't have the skills to move into what he wanted to do. He wanted to do some different quite expensive training and go into another area, but realised that at his age he wouldn't have many years left doing the career after training so he might as well not bother. His employers also wouldn't pay for it and money was tight at home at the time so he had to leave it. He also felt his age would work against him if he tried to get another job.

He had a big mortgage, when he had hoped he wouldn't have one at all at that age, he wanted to retire and cut down his hours but couldn't due to big mortgage but actually he also liked the house and didn't really want to move so in a sense he felt trapped by that. His pension wasn't great and he had to work to put more money into it, but it looked as if he would have to work until 65, when I think he wanted to go at 55.

I think he felt trapped by his life because of the choices he had made until that point. It was a reasonably comfortable but unchallenging life with a lot of routine. That combined with the changes in his appearance, an onset of general age-related weariness and the way women responded to him just all combined to make him sullen, unhappy and withdrawn.

I just think he had reached a crossroads but didn't have the courage to make changes, and believed it was too late for him to do so.

He didn't tell his wife because he felt it would have upset her to know he wished his life had been different. Also that he felt women no longer regarded him seriously as a sexual being but rather as a 'dad' figure - i think that stung him quite a lot. That's not to say he wished he hadn't met his wife, or wanted to sleep with other women, not at all, but he had just had the expectation when he was younger that he would walk a different path to the one he eventually did and I think he never expected to feel ignored or looked through by women when he got to a certain age.

They are not 100% now but recovering slowly and a lot better than they were.

CH27

verbat123 wrote: »

dandelionclock30 thank you, ,marisco yes we need to know if we are both heading in the same vein, cottage economy what is he wrestling with? If only I knew I would help him, he knows that, so your friend's husband wanted to acoomplish more and took it out on his wife? What was it he wanted, did he do it? Are they happy now? Why he did not just tell his wife? Lollipop thank you. Fbaby that is exactly it, I really do not understand it , it is very hard to live in.

You cannot solve everything.

What if he doesn't even know himself what is the matter? Just that he feels off & out of sorts but can't articulate it even to himself?

justme111

verbat123 wrote: »

I do not know how to help with everything that I do not understand it so I do not know if I can help I do not understand it

See what cottage economy and CH27 said , spot on.

Bogof_Babe

Maybe he's just bored. Even dreading the prospect of thinking about an empty pointless retirement.

What you need to do Verbat123 is to make a life for yourself that isn't dependent on his moods. It's a big challenge at first, when you've been used to all your plans revolving around 'coupledom', but once you make a start it is very rewarding - I know, I've travelled that route.

Ironically, once I started going where I wanted and doing what I wanted without reference to him, it improved the marriage! Sometimes they need a short sharp shock to realise that they are not the centre of your universe.

Read marisco's signature (see post 27 above).

geoffky

He may have the "If onlys"?

verbat123

Cottage economy thank you for posting , ch27 no I can't ,Judi I have thought it is me, works the same hours each day, no overtime, finishes at 5pm, no illness, medication, no debts.

Bog of_ yes I do now , I am going to act as normal, as if nothing is happening carry on as normal, when he comes out of it we need a talk, this is not how it was not how it should be.

Geoffky what if? What if I go cold and distant and just expect my wife to be tolerant, patient, understanding and be there when it gets back to normal again without knowing why as if nothing happened ? I am sorry I do not have much tolerance this evening, it's been a long day and there doesn't seem to be much light at the end of the tunnel yet.

Bogof_Babe

verbat123 wrote: »

I am sorry I do not have much tolerance this evening, it's been a long day and there doesn't seem to be much light at the end of the tunnel yet.

^ Say that to him.

rosie_78

verbat123 wrote: »

... he goes to work at 8am finshes at 5pm home by half past, never looks at his phone, his emails we go out, he is here all weekend..

Do you both have friends of your own?

If you each go out and do your own thing it would give you something to talk about?