can you help me?

slightlyconfused1

When he became more like his "normal" self did you speak to him about it or were you just glad to have him back?

When he gets back to normal you need to talk about it. He may be more willing to talk then rather than in the middle of whatever is going on.

Bogof_Babe

Taste of his own medicine? Next time he turns back to you, expecting everything in the garden to be rosy, it's your turn to be offhand and cool. Still do your usual share of the domestic routines, but don't bother asking him what his day was like, or indeed starting any conversations at all. Leave it up to him, and then respond like you're pre-occupied and not really listening. If he asks you what's wrong, say "nothing, I'm fine".

It just might make him think about his own behaviour.

verbat123

I did both, the first time I was very shaken up and was originally just grateful to have my husband back that it felt I was going crazy, it was such a relief to have him back and have talked about it but he seems as if he does not want to 'get into it' and side steps a lot, I never wanted to make a huge thing of it incase it ruined everything,

verbat123

Thank you bog of babe, two wrongs do not make a right my gran used to say ! It would not get us anywhere would it? It seemed to me whilst in the middle of it someone had to carry on as normal, so I did, now on this one I think it is hard work, it should not be this hard, marriages are but there should be a reason and has some cut off point? I have no idea

dandelionclock30

I would say, 1)depression, 2) has someone elce or is chasing someone elce 3) Is manipulative and playing games.
I'd be talking to him again, you sound very unhappy and that you want a proper engaged partner. I'd want some answers really because if you dont find out why hes doing it, how do you know hes not going to keep being like this?
For all you know he could be behaving like this because hes starting with Alzheimers or something. Stranger things have been known.
If he cant give you any answers then I would be thinking along the lines of moving on really. I know you have been with him years but a marriage is not supposed to be a life sentence of putting up with this type of thing.

marisco_2

verbat123 wrote: »

I never wanted to make a huge thing of it incase it ruined everything.

Without broaching this recurring problem head on and having a no holes barred conversation about it, the long term damage that will be caused to your marriage could ruin everything you two share. It is awful to be in a relationship that dissipates, slowly, without ever knowing why? The feelings and questions that must be running through your mind must be soul-damaging. You two need to redefine your expectations of each other to avoid disappointment and despair. I really hope you can get through to your husband soon, and that he will be willing to work through everything with you.

Cottage_Economy

I would say he's wrestling with something.

How old is he? In his 50s?

A good friend of mine had several episodes of coldness from her husband that they only just made it back from. They had counselling, and it came out that he felt he hadn't accomplished what he had wanted to with his life, in his career mostly, but also in other areas. He was turning 50 and it made him very unhappy, the grey hair, the pot belly that no amount of exercise seemed to shift, just generally feeling unattractive and old. Women didn't look at him in the same way any more. He just disappeared into himself.

My father in law also went through it around his 50th, started about six months before and went on for a couple of years on and off.

lollipopsarah

oh dear this sounds like normal to me - and I thought I was going barmy.
I wish I could help as i'm sure an awful lot of us feel the same.
I suppose it may just be part of being long time married - the ups and downs - but then my inlaws have been married for over 60 years and drive each other mad but are so devoted at the same time.
hugs.
xx

FBaby

Your post rang a bell with me. My husband's moods are not as extreme as your husband, but there is some similarities with his behaviour. Once in a whilst (usually once a year) he suddenly totally closes himself to me and I have no idea why. Fortunately for me, it only last a few days to about 10 days at most. It is especially disturbing as he is naturally an extremely affectionate man who gives a lot of attention and is very upbeat and chatty, so when he suddenly goes quiet and hardly touches me, the contrast is quiet unerving when there has been no arguement or disagreement.

Like you, I ask him what is wrong in a caring way, but it is as if he doesn't know what I am talking about and however obvious the change in him is to me, I am not sure he is really conscious of it, at least not of the impact. At first, it really upset me as I would end up convincing myself each time that he realised he didn't love me and was about to tell me we were over! I now know it is definitely not the case, so I just let him get on with it. It still upset me a bit, but at least I know it is just a question of time until he snaps back to his normal self.

I really don't know what really causes it except for an accumulation of minor stresses and me saying or doing one little thing that annoys him.

verbat123

dandelionclock30 thank you, ,marisco yes we need to know if we are both heading in the same vein, cottage economy what is he wrestling with? If only I knew I would help him, he knows that, so your friend's husband wanted to acoomplish more and took it out on his wife? What was it he wanted, did he do it? Are they happy now? Why he did not just tell his wife? Lollipop thank you. Fbaby that is exactly it, I really do not understand it , it is very hard to live in.