can you help me?

marisco_2

Some people become mum about their emotions when they are distressed. So when they encounter work problems, financial concerns, illness, depression, anxiety or grief, they withdraw from their personal relationship to work through their pain in silence and can appear aloof, unloving and unavailable. Some not only withdraw from their partner but may also respond in a caustic, harsh, unkind or dismissive way when there are attempts to re-engage in conversation. The option of keeping silent is to avoid confrontation, self–disclosure, weakness, pain or grief.

Could anything be concerning your OH that he may be struggling to face up to and confide in you? Is there any threat of redundancy from his job? Could he have health issues that you are unaware of? Are any friends of his going through a particularly hard time? Could he be suffering from PTSD?

verbat123

Bog-of- I did, my husband said 'oh right', he got up, picked up his cup and left the room.

rosie 78- yes we do, we go out together, alone.

Marisco- I honestly do not know that is the thing, I do not know, I know he has no debt, illness, work is fine, his appraisal was very good indeed, his friends are not ill, that I know of, that is it, maybe it is me assuming everything is ok, he has had every oportunity to speak up had there been anything wrong, he knows I am here if he needs me, he knows I will help him, if he is dealin with something as you have described I do not know what it is because I have not been told, I obviously cannot get through as I have not been told anything.

verbat123

The first time this happened after a few months he came out of it and we carried on as normal, it was so unexpected, so hurtful, so so painful, I cried a lot alone, I so wanted my husband back and got him back and we carried on, a year or so later it happened again for not so long and we got through it by just behaving as normal, so I was thinking illness it is over 2 years later now so it does not point to illness, debt? we have joint bank accounts although he could have hidden bank accounts but all our paper work is in a file ? Work? His appraisal was very good and he is not made redundant.

Depression?No, I could not even tell you when he went to the doctor, he is healthy, has no illnesses, no PTSD, no mental health issues in the last 30 years, never been put on medication never so much as gets a winter cold, never has headaches, never has complained of pains or aches, once he used deep heat because he had pulled a muscle around his leg but that went, sleeps well, eats well, gets up with the alarm.

His friends are not as far as I am aware dealing with anything more than the usual life issues, I am sorry for writing it again just was hoping for a lightbulb moment, if I answer and write an answer will come and I can at last see why?

CH27

How old are your children?

verbat123

26 and 27............

CH27

Have you talked to them about how you are feeling? Maybe they've noticed something odd too but haven't said?

Brenny

Just a couple of things. First, realize that this is not your problem. It's his. So don't beat yourself up about it (easier said than done, I know).

Secondly, you say this started a couple if years ago, and then one year later, and now again. Are you sure there isn't an important date for him that you've overlooked? And he is just plain sulking?

Poppops

Does he spend much time on the internet?

justme111

I think many of replies seem to miss the point which is instead of continuing to dig for reasons (which he clearly does not welcome) and trying to make it go away op has either an option of developing life that does not rely on him for emotional wellbeing or an option of leaving him. May sound as if I was not sympathetic to op's feelings - I am , its just that continuing on a path she is on may damage relationship further , I believe dependant woman is amongst things men fear most and the more she will try to get him out of his shell the more entrenched he will become .

verbat123

CH27- no, they have their own lives, they have not mentioned anything, he is always as he is when in company, even I would be hard pushed to notice anything, he seems happy enough to host meals, meet up with their girlfriends, go out or enjoy his hobbies or listen in, never been one for needless chit chat but socially one would not notice.


Brenny- no one has died or we lost anyone close, no it came on and left a few months later then over a year later came back again, in between then I was just so pleased to have my husband back we just got back on track and I put it behind me. It did feel eventually as if it had not happened at all.

justme- I have been with my husband for 30 years, we have loved and laughed and raised two lovely kids, we go to work, we have developed a life, our lives have been us for such a long time, I have a job, work colleagues a life,hobbies, interests, I go out, we go out, family and friends that each work colleague or friend gives me what I need and vice versa but what my husband gave me like kisses holding hands sharing your innermost,sex, intamicy, what only a husband can provide, I cannot find it with someone else unless I have an affair and then I would be the guilty party, the one in the wrong that gave up on a marriage that for 30 years has brought happiness but now does not or does but conditionally, it seems I have to go without because my husband is as he is now?

It would feel ridiculous to move on from a marriage for someone to ask what the breakdown was and I would have to say I had no idea, how pathetic would that make me appear? After 30 years should you not be in tune with each other and have some inklin as to what is happening in each others lives?

popos he likes ebay,freecycle, gumtree.