can you help me?

JodyBPM

Don't all marriages go through stages like this, without there actually being anything wrong? Life has a tendency to get in the way - I certainly know that I get busy times when I'm always rushing around and perhaps I'm less attentive to my husband, and vice versa. But there's nothing wrong - just busy with the children and life in general.

You asked your husband if he is OK, and he's said it is. You've been married for 30 years and you generally have a good relationship, so can't you just accept his answer?

Maybe this isn't about you at all?

verbat123

ch27-no I cannot, time seems to help, patience, waiting, the second time I just carried on as if it was not happening, the first time really knocked the stuffing out of me, I just thought if I keep it normal it would help

vanessa-I have asked him, he just seems to say the right things just to shut me up.

bogofbabe- he works with all men, there is one secretary but she is in a different office to the men, he goes to work at 8am finshes at 5pm home by half past, never looks at his phone, his emails we go out, he is here all weekend..

verbat123

Jody- all marriages go through stages yes, a marriage that was well, I thought great, happy stopped, no intimacy at all, no chat really, nothing that we could have been just brother and sister, not husband and wife, I feel in my gut when he said yes he was just trying to shut me up, the conversation was closed,

skattykatty

Have you told him exactly how you feel?
the fear?
the anger?
the sadness?
You miss him and you miss your coupledom.
He may not be willing to share what's going on for him at the moment, doesn't mean you don't have to.
Could you tell him without any expectation to have him tell you? It sounds so painful.

marisco_2

verbat123 wrote: »

I have told him how unfair this is, how badly I am being treated, to explain himself, to help me find out the cause and we can find a solution, I do not want to loose him at all but am not prepared to sell my soul.

What was his response to this? Did he show any thought or concern for how his behaviour is making you feel and the negative affect this is all having on your marriage?

verbat123

skatty-It is painful, I cannot understand why my so called best friend would want to hurt me? I have spoken to him, he knows I miss him, I talk to him but I am not sure he hears what I say,

marisco- He just said stop going on, nagging, moaning, desperate to change the subject, to stop the conversation, said there was nothing wrong, I was being ridiculous, to stop going on, that everything was fine,I know we never used to be like this, there was not this problem of on and off, distant, it is heartbreaking and I am really struggling to hang on

skattykatty

Everything is 'fine' for him BUT not for you.
He sounds totally cut off and withdrawn. He's retreating but from whom or what exactly and why is a mystery. If he's doing what he needs to do right now, what do you need for you right now?
Any friends or family you could recoup your energies with?
What would happen if you stopped hanging on? Could you look at that? Or perhaps that's way too worrying right now.

verbat123

Skattybatty- you are correct, everything is fine for him but not me, I have no idea why he is retreating, what I need is my husband as he was before all this on and off happened, this time now it is more of the negatives rather than looking at the bigger picuture and trying to pluck at the positives to get the marriage back where it should be, it hurt so so bad the first time so bad, the second time I just made a pact with myself I would carry on as normal and act as if nothing has happened and we managed to get through it, this time now there are a lot of negatives to it, seems to me it must be me, I must be a bad person to have to deal with such pain.

The only thing that keeps me hanging on is the fact I love my husband, have spent 30 years with him in my life, as they say all marriages have ups and downs, not wanting to jump ship when the seas get a bit rough but is anything worth feeling so worthless?

trailingspouse

Two things spring to my mind -

1) he is depressed. He may very well not know he's depressed, but it sounds very much like it to me.

2) he may be suffering from some form of erectile dysfunction from time to time - and by ignoring you he 'puts off' the moment when you might expect him to perform. This in itself could also lead to depression. Has he started any new medication recently as some have this side effect.

I would strongly suggest that he goes to see a doctor, but of course he'll only go if he wants to.

When my OH becomes depressed, I feel it's like he's falling down a deep pit and I'm not able to pull him back out. What seems to work best for us is what you've also discovered for yourself - I just carry on as normal. Even to the point where I'll put his arm round me, or put his hand on my knee, or whatever he would normally naturally do in any given situation.

You need to find some things to do for your own benefit - get out and be with other people at least a couple of times a week, living with someone who is ill is hard work, and you need to look after yourself ('see to your own oxygen mask first').

verbat123

Thank you, no he is not depressed, is not on any medication,sleeps fine, eats well, healthy,he has erections, very often just left and rarely used as us,I agree that I have to carry on as normal, it is very draining,