can you help me?

Candy53

I really feel for you. I've never come across this type of thing before, and it seems such a mystery.

The only thing I can come up with is SAD?? You said the second time was around a year after the first. Is this third time also about a year on? You also said it lasts for a few months? Have any of the time's he's gone into these moods, happened around the onset of winter? The dark nights?

It just seems so odd that that there are quite long periods inbetween his sudden change of behaviour. If he was having an affair, or going on the net, I would have thought his behavioural changes would be more frequent, or all the time.

People can suffer depression without realizing it, but because it only lasts for so long, that's why I thought of SAD.


Is his change of behaviour just aimed at you, or is he like this with everyone? Do your children notice it, and how does he react to them? If it's with everyone, I would be thinking seasonal depression.



Hope you soon get some answers, as this sound's a terrible and nearly impossible thing to go through.


Best wishes,
Candy.

Brenny

I think everyone will agree there is no easy answer. And some of the answers will be way off the real issue but causing you even more distress, putting thoughts in your head that weren't there before. So, unfortunately, you are the only person who has a chance of getting to the bottom of this. I suggest you ride this episode through as you said he was coming out of it but then, before he can pretend nothing happened, you need to be strong and challenge him as to what the problem is. He will deny it, but you can't let it go. Gentle but firm, persevere. Go to relate if necessary. But you need to get to the bottom of this.

The alternative is, just accept this change in him, know that he comes out of it and back to you, and stop worrying. You've loved each other for thirty years. Have faith that it's a blip that will fade with time.

verbat123

Thank you for the replies, it is true there could be a bit of everhting to the reason why, Brenny you are right in that I need to be more assertive and get to the bottom of it then I think justme111 is right when saying that digging clearly pushes him away, then I think Marisco is right and others that say some people, maybe men internalize their problems and he is wrestling with something, which if so makes me feel a bit of an outcast because if so then why not come to me and have the problem halves?

Male menopause, alzimers, illness, none of those, Poet123 his appraisal at work was very good, they set out his 12 month forecast and he is happy with it as well as they are, he is happy there, settled and not looking for another job.

When it started 2 years ago it was around march time easter time march or april so not SAD I would not say then I remember clearly we went away in August a whole load of us and we were sitting one night near the beach outside eating and drinking and having a laugh, I remember thinking this is what it's all about, I was really happy and the last few months felt likwe we had got over them and that it never actually happened but they did.

The year later or so the second time was around that time May, June time did not last as long so no set time, no SAD, no winter blues, this time now is started around a few weeks ago but is slowly lifting so three or four months into the year?

It is very true if and when he returns to normal either ride it over or look deeply at leaving , it is difficult after 30 years, I do not want to become resentful and angry because at the end of the day when the door closes it is my husband and I and I am the one because of the way he is acting without any intimacy of any kind because he has decided or chosen it that way, maybe he has not in any way intentionally chosen it and he cannot help it and I should wait on the side lines until normal is resumed but if I was worth anything, if there was love from my husband and he respected our relationship there would not be such hurt, pain?

It is very difficult to not take it personally, life goes on, it is not a question at all of I have nothing or no one other than my husband it is simply my husband is the only one that I sleep with, the only one that can kiss me, well you get the idea and my husband is the one that for a few months, for the time it takes him to recover from whatever is the person that withdraws and does not allow me to have any of it.

We don't sit here in silence, we chat but there is a coldness, an aloofness, a yes I am listening but what did you say that never was there before, a pushing me away and not wanting to get into it.

It is not as if I have not asked as explained before but I do not seem to get anywhere as justme111 says it seems to make it worse and as brenny says leave it to let it go and when it goes back try to ask then, there is nothing worse that a nagging, moaning wife that keeps on.

So, thank you, I wonder how long this time will take, I wonder if I have the energy to keep a relationship ticking over, I wonder if this will happen again, as you have been saying I do feel lonely and pained, up to 28 years I had what I thought was a very good marriage, not perfect but very good and it was my husband and I against the world type thing, now in the last few years it has been somewhat of a battle, an unexpected change, I find hard to deal with because it is unknown waters, I would not be much of a person to leave a husband who has been very good to me and provided me with a great deal of happiness up to a few years ago but also in between.

We are planning to go again in August on holiday let's just hope by then it is all fine and we have a great time like we did last time, very fragile way of having a marriage, all I can do for now.

FBaby

Ultimaltely, the issue is that you do take it personally. I can understand that. If you could rise above that part though, and trust him that it isn't personal, would you be able to live with it and accept that it is not much to cope with in light of all the good things that come with your marriage?

If you think you could cope with this reassurance, than that's what you need to tell him when he comes out of it again. Explain that you can take a step back and accept his mood swing, but you need reassurance that it has nothing to do with you, therefore he needs to open up as to what creates these moods, even if he is not conscious of them.

[Deleted User]

Consider going to Relate counselling - if he won't go with you, go on your own, it helps to talk.

Endless speculating about what "it" could be probably doesn't help. Someone neutral helping you/both of you might

verbat123

fbaby you have got it 100%, that is what I have been thinking, surely if in the grand scheme of things, knowing that my husband has been a fantastic person, a great father, a wonderful husband, has given me a great life surely I can put up with the odd here and there coldness and distance? The lack of intimacy gets to me it sure does as we had or have when it is not like this a very great relationship so it all goes and it is difficult to be felt like I have become invisible and no longer needed in that area. You are so right though I am very grateful to you.

As for counselling yes what harm could it do, anything is worth investigating, I am pretty sure that my husband would say no that there is no way he would speak to a stranger as a he is concerned there is nothing to talk about.

Moneydoesnthelp

Hi my sister sent me the link to your forum as I have been there with my husband.
It started just before my 50th birthday.
We had helped his parents move into a residential home. It had been tiring and stressful. When we got home I started to notice his lack of affection. He was never one for romantic gestures or long conversations and often worked away so I didn't notice at first.
He rejected any sort of intimacy saying he was too tired. Every Sunday morning he jumped out of bed early and went for a long cycle ride. I know it was to get away from me.
At Christmas he bought me a lovely Pandora bracelet which sounds thoughtful and I sound ungrateful but the card he wrote just said ' from' not the usual to my wonderful wife lots of love'. To the outside world it looked like nothing had changed and I told myself I was being silly. Perhaps he was tired. Perhaps he just forgot to write those words.
Just after Christmas I had a health scare. I found a lump and was referred to the breast clinic. It turned out to be just a cyst. But my husband was upset that the appointment meant a delay in visiting his parents. I didn't feel that he'd have cared what the outcome was. I told myself I was being silly as we'd had a scare previously that had been a cyst but we'd lost sleep over it so I'd played this one down so that he wouldn't worry. My mind was a mess with these mixed up thoughts. I was looking for any sign that he loved me but none seemed to come.
On my 50th birthday my family and friends made me feel really special but not my husband. He brought me a cup of tea in bed. I said aren't you going to wish me a happy birthday? He said oh I did that yesterday. (We had been to a friends house and there was a toast to me at midnight). I had Pandora charms from family and him for the bracelet I'd received at Christmas, the reason he'd got it then.
I felt that he was trying but his heart wasn't in it.
I thought about separating but was in too much of an emotional mess and it wasn't what I wanted. I wondered if he had another woman but couldn't cope with a confrontation to find out. (I doubt that he had). I can remember being so low, I use to spend the evening going over mistakes I'd made in life, missed opportunities. I felt so worthless and redundant to the world. Our sons were grown up and leading their own lives.in a few years they would leave home. What was the point in me living? I didn't want anyone else and couldn't imagine life without him. I was surprised by my own thoughts as for most of our marriage he has had to work away sometimes he didn't come home at weekends. I'd always coped. Thought of myself as quite independent but the thought of actually being on my own scared me. I felt like I was going mad. My sister kept telling me to talk to him but i'm not a confrontational person and I was in such a state I couldn't have coped with any further rejection.
Then suddenly everything was back to normal and I can even remember the time it happened. It was one Sunday morning. He jumped out of bed to go cycling. I asked him what he was doing. He said cycling and asked me what I was doing. I said waiting for you. Then as if the light was switched back on he was back to normal.
We have never discussed it and I know to anyone who has not been in those circumstances that sounds strange. I was in such a dark low place I can't bear to go back there and revisit it. If I ever start to feel like that I have to put up a brick wall in my mind.
When his dad died I thought he might be like that again but he needed me and thankfully he didn't reject me.
I don't know how I would cope if he was like that again. I wish I had the answers. He was kind and loving to his parents at the time so it was definitely just me he had rejected.
It may have been depression or the male menopause. I know that he would never have gone to the doctors or counselling.
Hope this helps, to know that you are not alone

verbat123

Thank you for sharing, it is comforting to read that you understand and have been there, it is very difficult to put across how it is for the wife when the husband goes cold for no apparent reason and you have done it beautifully, thank you.

I am going to just continue to be kind because now there are very little signs that this time is going to get better again, not much to go on but as fbaby says it is something, not what I would have wanted us to be like but it is like this now and I love him and 30 years is a lot to get over.

Someone suggested a holiday there is to be one in august as we do often in august but I am not planning to have a holiday 'to patch things up' as people say because you take your problems with you and do not want to add pressure to the situation.

He asked me yesterday what I thought about his idea of a new hobby that he has been looking at starting, I said yes of course go ahead do it if it makes you happy, do it, so he has emailed the leader to see when there is a place, it makes me happy he is interacting and has something to look forward to, maybe that will help him? Who knows but anything is worth it.

Moneydoesnthelp

I hope that things are starting to improve at home.
My hubby has several hobbies, watching football on the tv, his favourite team as well as any other team that maybe playing. We subscribe to the sports channels so he can watch them anytime. I don't enjoy watching but never nag or moan about it as life's about sharing. He also enjoys making his model railway and practically lived in the garage, where he has his track running, when he was ignoring me.
His Dad had been ill for years prior to my husband's coldness towards me and I do wonder if his Dad's illness was playing on his mind when he went emotionally cold. He was very close to his Dad and took the news very badly when we originally found out, taking the dog out for hours and I suspect crying his eyes out somewhere. I was here for him as well obviously and respected he might want time on his own. My Mum had died after a short illness a year before we got married so he knew that I understood.
It might sound like this was all in my mind but having been married for over 28 years you know when things are different. I certainly thought I was going mad. He showed lack of consideration when he was usually caring. There was lack of concern if I was ill.
He is back to the caring man, making cups of tea, watching together the programmes we both enjoy etc.
I do wonder if it was mental illness to do with losing his Dad to dementia.
I pray that your husband gets back to his usual self soon. The only thing I can think to say is keep yourself busy with friends and family.

System

Have you criticised his 'performance' or suggested something out of the ordinary.

Has he suggested something out of the ordinary and you said no?