Neighbour problems

Morrismorris

FatVonD wrote: »

Could you plant a strategically-placed tree in the sight line of the window to your garden?

It would have to be pretty tall I think and I would have to make sure it didn't affect anyone's light in their garden. It it's worth looking into. And I'm sure my husband would prefer that, than me wanting to move!

hunnie

Hello,
Firstly I want to say that you actually come across as a very reasonable and tolerant person, despite what some other posters have said. (I am always shocked by the intolerance of those who respond thinking they have the right to shoot posters down without knowing the full facts)


Good on you to try speaking to your neighbour, not always easy as I have found to my cost!!


Trees, bushes and play/summer houses all seem good ideas to block the view of this child so that he (think I read he was male?) is not enticed/encouraged by seeing you.


Once your new fence is up you may find this alone brings about some improvement to the situation for you.


Try to not let this spoil your enjoyment of what is a your 'dream home'. I do hope this works out for you.


Regards, Hunnie

belfastgirl23

Surely the bigger issue here is a child in a garden for hours on end with no companionship and no supervision and potentially in distress? I appreciate that it's causing a huge headache for you OP and I really sympathise - in your shoes I'd be quite worried about the child as well (and I can see in your first post that this is also a big issue for you) and this isn't nice. If you posted here about a child who didn't have a disability being in the garden for hours on end throwing rocks, yelling for attention and banging off windows people would suggest calling social workers in. Is it really so different if a child has a disability? I understand the walking in their shoes argument about the parents to some degree but equally if you see a child and you have concerns over their supervision and wellbeing, as well as being in a situation where your own children are being affected, is it a type of reverse discrimination to ignore it?

I'm not being unsympathetic to the parents here but I'm wondering if this is just a case of poor parenting and the fact that the child has a disability is incidental? I would have thought it was important to teach pretty much all children not to throw rocks for example. Parents of children with disabilities are surely just as likely as the general population to have drug or alcohol problems or to suffer with depression and are also capable of neglect or cruelty. Sympathy for them should not necessarily preclude thinking about the child as well.

Fencing the problem off at least helps your children but is unlikely to help your underlying worry about the wellbeing of the child unfortunately I really don't envy you the decisions you may have to make.

Morrismorris

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Surely the bigger issue here is a child in a garden for hours on end with no companionship and no supervision and potentially in distress? I appreciate that it's causing a huge headache for you OP and I really sympathise - in your shoes I'd be quite worried about the child as well (and I can see in your first post that this is also a big issue for you) and this isn't nice. If you posted here about a child who didn't have a disability being in the garden for hours on end throwing rocks, yelling for attention and banging off windows people would suggest calling social workers in. Is it really so different if a child has a disability? I understand the walking in their shoes argument about the parents to some degree but equally if you see a child and you have concerns over their supervision and wellbeing, as well as being in a situation where your own children are being affected, is it a type of reverse discrimination to ignore it?

I'm not being unsympathetic to the parents here but I'm wondering if this is just a case of poor parenting and the fact that the child has a disability is incidental? I would have thought it was important to teach pretty much all children not to throw rocks for example. Parents of children with disabilities are surely just as likely as the general population to have drug or alcohol problems or to suffer with depression and are also capable of neglect or cruelty. Sympathy for them should not necessarily preclude thinking about the child as well.

Fencing the problem off at least helps your children but is unlikely to help your underlying worry about the wellbeing of the child unfortunately I really don't envy you the decisions you may have to make.

I personally don't feel it's right that this boy is left outside as much as he is. But a lot of people on this thread feel that is me being judgemental and not thinking of his poor mother.

Maybe I should get in touch with someone I don't know? I thought maybe I could mention the situation to my HV when she pops round to see my youngest tomorrow. She might be able to give me some advice.

I'm stuck though, I'm either sticking my beak in and being some sort of judgmental monster or I'm ignoring this poor boys plight and as you put it fencing him off

duchy

Morrismorris wrote: »

No it's not. It's my opinion. A child out rain or shine for hours on end with no interaction can't be much fun.

l.

You'd be surprised - Certain disabilities find reassurance in certain repetitive actions like a swing......and if autism is involved -they aren't interested in interaction.

Just because it isn't YOUR idea of fun doesn't mean it isn't for this particular child.

The Mum has probably had to deal with parents who have the same kind of ideas that you have and has learned to avoid a certain type of parent - which she perceives you to be -possibly by the way she's seen you react to her child or because she fears you will complain to her and she'd prefer to not add confrontation to her already difficult life. It can be very isolating to be the parent of a child with behavour disabilities. You learn early on most parents are like you OP and don't "Get it"

I think a fence is a good idea....... for both of you. Maybe in time you will become aquainted but for now with your attitude and her disinclination the fence will probably help you both.

I'm really glad you weren't my neighbour when my son was growing up Belfastgirl although perhaps once I'd subjected you to an enforced lecture on what autism is and why autistic kids do certain things you wouldn't be quite so quick to decide I was a crepe parent !

Morrismorris

I'm not even going to bother defending myself against that drivel.

What a load of nonsense.

gozaimasu

Morrismorris wrote: »

Well I went round on way back from school.
Long story short, put up fence if you like, don't expect us to pay for it. I mentioned her son shouting saying hello, I asked if there was a way we could chat to him that would not upset him as sometimes he seems a bit agitated, her response was not really just ignore him if he keeps on.
Also mentioned the rocks he's throwing over, as some have been big and they land on my decking, tried to say it as nicely as possible, explaining I have 3 kids, 2 under 6 and wouldn't want them hit by a rock. She said oh well maybe keep an eye on them when you let them out.
A bit of a cheek really but I don't think she wanted to have any kind of conversation with me, I introduced myself and I still don't know her name.

Ah well. I tried. Fence and plants it is.

You're looking at this the wrong way! This was a POSITIVE encounter. I think your expectations were way too high.

a) not everyone wants to have a conversation with their neighbours
b) not everyone wants to know or even cares what their neighbour's name is
c) some neighbours are nosy and want to know your name, what you do etc, when it's none of their business
d) giving out your name does not grant you an automatic right to someone else's - if you want it, ask for it

I sympathise with your situation as I've had noisy brats being allowed to run around outside screaming with no attempt made to shut them up, only I couldn't escape them as their garden was right underneath the window which did not block out their horrendous sound. I put up with that for 3 years, in addition to the neighbours complaining when heavy footsteps on the floor made their precious brats "scared of the monsters" - hypocrites.

I once had a new neighbour follow me up the drive with "excuse me, excuse me, excuse me" and when I stopped and turned round, simply said "I'm your new neighbour". Well, what do you want, a bloody standing ovation? The expectation, of course, was that I would spill out all the details of my life on demand. As if. A polite "hello" and a lifetime of silence good enough for me.

Your neighbour didn't object to the fence - great. She probably won't cause you much trouble if you leave her alone. Try your best with the fence, wind chimes, whatever and block out the kid. If he can't see you, he is less likely to shout at you. Good luck.

duchy

Morrismorris wrote: »

I'm not even going to bother defending myself against that drivel.

What a load of nonsense.

There is no defence !
You don't have a clue about disabilities ...... but do run to your HV tomorrow but don't be surprised if she is also the other family's HV too and tells you a few home truths !

Morrismorris

duchy wrote: »

There is no defence !
You don't have a clue about disabilities ...... but do run to your HV tomorrow but don't be surprised if she is also the other family's HV too and tells you a few home truths !

My eldest has cerebral palsy and my middle child has a speech delay and arthritis I would say I do know about having a child with disabilities.

I however would not like to think my child's behaviour would have an impact on others and if I was approached I would go it of my way to ensure I was pleasant polite and tried to help.

I didn't approach this woman with the expectation of anything other than seeing what I could do to help the situation from my end.

Morrismorris

As for leaving my neighbour alone, I don't speak to my neighbours daily, this is the second time I have spoken to the woman and I won't bother myself again. I will put my fence up and hope for the best.

Yes I will speak to the HV and if she gives me an ear full fair enough, I'd rather be told I'm wrong about a situation than do nothing