Boyfriend advice - am I going crazy?

Ohtobehappy

Long time lurker, first time poster :-(

You know when deep down you know something isn't right but you don't know how to change it or if it's your fault, well that's how I'm feeling :-(

Been with boyfriend about 2 years now and when he's nice we are fine, but more recently his behaviour is becoming unpredictable.

We don't live together and I have a teenage daughter and I don't want her to think that my relationship is normal. But I'm beginning to doubt myself and wonder if it is normal and I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill. Any advice welcome.

Have been together for 2 years, do not live together. Both in our 30's. I've never been married and he's been married 3 times, twice cheated on and third wife said unreasonable behaviour .

When he's lovely things are great but he's very unpredictable. The slightest thing can start him off on a rant. He's never been violent but he uses bad language at me and belittles me about my life.

I do love him but his outburst are becoming more frequent the further we get into a relationship. I try to pacify him and not cause rows and say sorry for saying the wrong thing. Sometimes this works and other times he ignores me for days. It breaks my heart.

My previous relationship experience wasn't like this and I'm not sure it's normal. He doesn't like me going out in the evenings, he doesn't like what I wear when I'm not with him and he hates my friends, mind you my friends hate him too.

Is it normal for a guy to treat you this way after 2 years ? I try not to provoke him and do as I'm asked. Am I better off trying to move on ? It's like I don't have my own mind anymore, struggle to see the woods for the trees. Any advice appreciated.

Sorry to ramble :-(

FBaby

He sounds like an unhappy man who can't appreciate your relationship, instead he takes all his frustration with life on you. Is it normal? Not for happy relationship. You shouldn't find yourself constantly trying to be someone else to appease his moods.

Understandbly, his past must have a strong influence on your relationship. I would suspect he has very low self-esteem about himself and his ability to make a woman happy, so inevitably, does everything so he can tell himself that he was right. It was always going to be difficult from the start to build a committed a relationship with a man who has been left three times, and twice for someone else. He is bound to be very wounded at this stage.

I personally wouldn't feel secure building a relationship with someone who is showing all the signs of not being satisfied with himself and life, but it is up to you to decide if he is worth trying to help or whether you don't have the patience or energy to do so, or you can't believe he will change.

Ohtobehappy

Thanks FB, you've hit the nail on the head. It sounds like you know him! He's dissatisfied with everything. Nothing is good enough and I don't feel like I can please him :-( . He has low self esteem but on the other hand thinks he's superior to everyone. It's so confusing.

He's becoming more controlling and I just feel at a loss. He has had anger management classes with first wife, but he says he was told it was her fault as she wound him up.

I'm worried about the negative effect it may have on my daughter. I don't want her to think it's on for a man to talk to her as he talks to me. Can men change ? I'm not sure. :-(

tom9980

Married 3 times already?

People only change when they want to.

As a bloke I would say you don't need to take his s***

Frankly get rid there are too many bad signs for my liking.

Cottage_Economy

Leave this relationship. It won't get better.

You're already falling into the classic trap of accepting and pacifying his disgusting behaviour as if you've done something wrong, which you haven't. The belittling and temper tantrums will have you walking on eggshells and developing a low self-esteem.

He's lost at least one marriage to his awful behaviour and has learnt nothing, simply got himself a new relationship and continued.

Don't make excuses for him being wounded due to previous relationships. You only have his version of events about what happened in his first two marriages, but chances are nasty behaviour like this was already there.

Do yourself and your daughter a favour and finish with him. If he hasn't started his bullsh*t with her he soon will, and she's still developing her self-esteem and outlook on life so she may not bounce back as you will once he's out of your life.

Don't love people who treat you like crap. There are so many more lovely men out there who would treat you wonderfully and treasure you compared to this lowlife.

seven-day-weekend

His temper is his responsibility, not someone else's for 'winding him up'.

I actually think it sounds like quite a controlling relationship,(not liking your clothes, not liking your friends), verging on abuse. You don't need to be pacifying him all the time, he will just see that as an admittance that it is you in the wrong and his behaviour will only will get worse.

I would suggest he has some counselling for his anger and other issues. Unless/until he manages to get these under control, I would keep him at arm's length and certainly well away from your daughter.

ecgirl07

He is in his 30's he is not going to change significantly.

Your inner voice is saying get out.

Your friends don't like him (big alarm there).

Sounds like you know what you need to do, do what makes you happy but don't settle for second best.

egoode

I'm of the opinion if my friends and family don't like the person I'm with then I really shouldn't be with them. Your friends and family can be more objective about your partner as they aren't in love with them and their eyes are more open to the persons faults. Whereas you probably try to concentrate on the good things in your relationship and either ignore or try to rationalise the bad things.

If they don't like him it's because they know he's not treating you right and are hoping you will come to your senses and dump him.

You know this relationship is not right you said it yourself your other relationships haven't been like this before. He will only change if he wants to and it sounds like he doesn't want to.

Ohtobehappy

Thanks guys. I think I just needed the reassurance that it's not me. I am beginning to doubt myself and question what is acceptable behaviour and what's not.

My daughter is my priority. I don't want her seeing me treated badly

Xx

seven-day-weekend

Ohtobehappy wrote: »

Thanks guys. I think I just needed the reassurance that it's not me. I am beginning to doubt myself and question what is acceptable behaviour and what's not.

My daughter is my priority. I don't want her seeing me treated badly

Xx

Absolutely. Don't let her see that sort of behaviour as in any way normal or acceptable.

My husband says he feels that she will be quite relieved when he has gone.

prowla

If it looks like a duck and quacks...