Messed up. Please help me!

neverdespairgirl

OP, I agree that calling you names such as tramp or trollop definitely doesn't help.

But you do need to take responsibility for your decisions, and your actions. You chose to cheat on him on numerous occasions, with the same man, and alcohol and drugs both played their part. I think it's important that you accept responsibility for your own actions, which isn't exactly the same as feeling guilty.

I do think you should tell your BF. He's already suspicious, and he's right to be so. You are under pressure from your degree and so forth, but he is too - new job, girlfriend behaving oddly, etc.

I think it's fair and right that you let him know exactly what happened, take responsibility both for yourself and to him, and let him make decisions in the light of that. How much worse will it be for him if he finds out from someone else? Given that coke-head ex colleague and two of your mates already know, this isn't a well-kept secret, is it? Give him the dignity of finding out from you, not from rumour or gossip or whatever.

Separate from that, depression, stress, alcohol and coke are a really bad mixture.

FatVonD

rachiibell wrote: »

Any advice please?

Yes. Tell your partner and let him find himself a decent bird.

As someone else has said, if it was just the once and you bitterly regretted it then maybe you could make a go of it but you went back, not once but TWICE, and you were sober when you made the arrangements despite knowing what happened the last time, you knew exactly what you were doing.

thehappybutterfly

Oh, and by the way, stress and depression is absolutely NO excuse for your behaviour. Ive been stressed and depressed for years and never cheated on my husband in our 20 years.

Nor is so called "lack of attention".

Katem

No need for the name calling.

OP - you must have wanted to see your boss again - perhaps it massages your self esteem etc in the light of your depression. So you see him, your self esteem rises for about a millisecond, you convince yourself you feel great because he's paying you attention. Then you see your boyfriend, realise what you're losing and you feel bad about it. And your self esteem plummets even further and compounds your depression.

Don't see the boss again. You have no reason to. If you did become his partner, he a) comes with baggage and b) would cheat on you, like he's doing now with his partner and child. So it certainly wouldn't be a case of the grass being greener and the relationship would be doomed from the beginning, especially as it's only founded on drunken fumbles in a cheap hotel room.

Don't drink to excess and don't take drugs. Simples. Especially if you know it leads to this type of thing.

If you want to try again with your poor boyfriend, then tell him the truth. Make sure he knows the reasons why you won't do it again, how sorry you are, and that you'll understand if he decides to get rid of you. And if he does get rid of you, pick yourself up, be kind to yourself, move on, and for God's sake, don't repeat the behaviour again with someone else (and defo not the boss!). If he decides that you're worth it - prove it to him.

Feel free to ignore the advice above if you want to !!!!!! your life up.

pmlindyloo

Alikay wrote: »

^^This^^

Then work out whether you want to continue your relationship with your boyfriend, and choose between breaking up, coming clean or covering your tracks.

The very first post covers it all really although I personally think 'covering your tracks' might be very stressful!

The problem with posting on a public forum is that people do tend to get very judgemental.

As an 'Oldie' I have made a fair few mistakes in my life and some concerning relationships I am not very proud of.

Unfortunately drink (let alone drugs) can make us do very daft things and I have no doubt the 'buzz' of what you did kept you going back for more. You may even have thought that not having slept with the guy made it OK.

I disagree that you will continue to behave like this but you may always seek some excitement in your life - some people do.

What is important is how you go on from now.

If you want to be single and free then go for it.

If you want to have a long term relationship with your 'ex' then ask for forgiveness. You may not get it but you will have learned a lesson.

Perhaps the time has come to re-examine where you are in life.

HPoirot

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

Oh, and by the way, stress and depression is absolutely NO excuse for your behaviour. Ive been stressed and depressed for years and never cheated on my husband in 20 years.

Nor is so called "lack of attention".

I couldn't agree more.

OP if you stop with the blaming your boyfriend /making excuses for yourself / picking at name calling business, you will find the almost unanimous view on this forum is that you should tell your BF. You may want to try, just for once, being decent in this whole tawdry business.

justme111

rachiibell wrote: »

Calling me names is rude. You could still make your point without the offensive language. I do respect your opinions on the matter just not the way some people have expressed them

He probably already imagined the worst so you telling him you kissed someone is hardly going to be a surprise . In any case as he has moved out already it is not his business anymore. I would say - don't lie if he asks (assuming you want to continue this relationship, if not you may as well tell him its not his business as you two are over). If he does not ask then he does not want to know . Very likely if you two stay together he would be relieved to hear it was just "fondling" . Ps. If whoever I was with would be put off byy enthusiasm I would been out instantly.

Assuming op tells the truth she has not cheated and looks like she indeed has not much confidence if she is which is no surprise staying in a relationship where she is not wanted. So no need for name calling.

Katem

justme111 wrote: »

Assuming op tells the truth she has not cheated and looks like she indeed has not much confidence if she is which is no surprise staying in a relationship where she is not wanted. So no need for name calling.

IMO she HAS cheated. If my partner disappeared all night, rented a hotel room with his boss, got drunk and cuddled in bed with said boss, I'd certainly class that as cheating. Maybe I'm a bit old-school about relationships though!

But yeah, no need for name calling, we have all made mistakes, people in glass houses etc. It's what we do after making the mistakes that counts though.

justme111

I understand what you mean about a room , sexual touch etc , Katem. I would not care much whether there was full blown intercourse or not if I was on the receiving end of it. The issue is that if we don't strictly define cheating as contact with bare genitals for sexual gratification purposes by other person we are on a slippery slope of defining it according to one's opinion of what cheating is , then exchange of flirtatious messages may fall into that cathegory or dancing with someone too enthusiastically or enjoying a conversation at a party and there would be no end to it if it is a matter of one's perception.

tea_lover

Of course cheating is defined by opinion. What is acceptable in one relationship will be totally different to where other people draw the line.