I want my family back but they hate me

Kayalana99

Scuffer wrote: »

Thanks, some people have not noticed the intention of the thread and only looked to the crime, its fine though because they probably need to know the facts before they can advise me or are just nosey. I really dont want to accept having to go forward on my own but it is looking like it is my only choice.

I've said this a million times over but I will say it again...as I am routing for you all the way.

These forums can seriously get out of hand - a simple question can turn into a big debate that isn't even relevant to the question you need to ignore anyone that isn't helping - and just being nosey, don't even give them a response - usually what happens is someone starts a thread about something and they ignore all the people trying to help them as they get so caught up in defending themselves against the people who don't believe them or think they are trolling...

Don't feed the hate - feed the love.

heartbreak_star wrote: »

OP did a qualification while they were in prison, it's mentioned somewhere but I can't find it >.<

HBS x

I might be wrong but I think you are mixing this thread with his other thread which is why you can't find it! :-)

Tiddlywinks

I don't think you really have faced the fact that you, and only you, are responsible for what has happened.

Until you admit that to yourself and stop trying to minimise the crime by blaming others, you won't come across as sincerely sorry to your family.

They will have gone through hell through no fault of their own - they, not you, are the victims.

You chose to commit a crime... Yes, you've now 'done the time' BUT your family will also have to live with the consequences of your actions.

You need to be thinking 'poor them' not 'poor me'...

Scuffer

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I've said this a million times over but I will say it again...as I am routing for you all the way.

These forums can seriously get out of hand - a simple question can turn into a big debate that isn't even relevant to the question you need to ignore anyone that isn't helping - and just being nosey, don't even give them a response - usually what happens is someone starts a thread about something and they ignore all the people trying to help them as they get so caught up in defending themselves against the people who don't believe them or think they are trolling...

Don't feed the hate - feed the love.



I might be wrong but I think you are mixing this thread with his other thread which is why you can't find it! :-)

Some people also do not see the full picture but if it is a genuine question i feel is worth an answer i will take time to explain because they have taken time to ask me.

Scuffer

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

I don't think you really have faced the fact that you, and only you, are responsible for what has happened.

Until you admit that to yourself and stop trying to minimise the crime by blaming others, you won't come across as sincerely sorry to your family.

They will have gone through hell through no fault of their own - they, not you, are the victims.

You chose to commit a crime... Yes, you've now 'done the time' BUT your family will also have to live with the consequences of your actions.

You need to be thinking 'poor them' not 'poor me'...

Have you actually read this thread? I've said i have nobody to blame but myself. I acknowledge what i did was stupid and in no way am i making it look less that what it was. This is what happened, i'm hardly going to spend 22 months thinking i'm innocent because i wasn't. I knew there was drugs in the bag, i could of refused but i was stupid and went through with it.

Tiddlywinks

Scuffer wrote: »

I never told my family that i was in trouble and thought i could hide it because i was convinced my university degree would be my saviour from a custodial sentence, which it wasn't and i was sent down. After being inside for 3 weeks i made the decision to tell my family i was in prison. I phoned my sister to tell her i was inside and she already knew because it had been published in the local paper she then told me not to call her again because i have brought shame on the family.

....................

I just have no idea how i will get them to forgive me?

Try seeing your actions through your parents' eyes.

Scuffer wrote: »

I'm from a small rural community where my parents are on the parish council and think they are important. Knowing it was in the paper means i was probably hot gossip for a while, so this is probably where the shame is coming from.

'Think they are important' - what a spiteful thing to say - you're not quite as remorseful as you'd have us believe, are you.

Being an active part of their community IS important to them - why is that wrong?

Scuffer wrote: »

He said security would check him because he had been caught before and paid me £100 to do it. I was skint, needed the money and only accepted because it was my girlfriends brother. Neither of us knew he was a dealer we just thought he was a pothead.

Continuing to present yourself as the victim will not help to win over your parents... It'll just seem like an excuse.

You need to really understand what you put THEM through. This is not all about you.

They were prominent members of the community. They woke up one day and unexpectedly found out their son was sent to prison for serious drugs offences. They found out from the newspaper. You didn't give them any warnings. They had no chance to prepare themselves. How do you think they feel about that? Gutted, humiliated, suckered, hurt, scared....?

Your posts here don't seem to show any understanding about them - you just keep talking about your months of hell?

They are YOUR victims and the sooner you appreciate that, the sooner you can work out how to make amends.

whodathunkit

I agree completely with TW's post. I don't understand why some people seem to think you're remorseful as you don't come over that way to me at all. All your posts are self pitying and seeking to find excuses for what you've done and minimising your actions.

I suggest you concentrate on being fully independent of your family to rebuild your life and try to make contact again after you are in a situation where they can feel proud of you, rather than expecting them to bail you out of your problems; finishing your degree (perhaps with the OU) would be a good start to this process.

ampersand

Uh oh, Scuffer - I see another Moyes 'of' has crept into the dressing room;), equally lost by all accounts. Roar your Reds on today - they need you.:D and it's cathartic.

Ignore posts that indicate a failure to fully read what you've written - a common enough exam. markdown:).
Skim read at best, but fasten on posts like JIL, Dig for Victory, iclayt and others - sensible, encouraging, empathetic, judicious, pertinent.

In Life generally, respond to things and peeps that speak 'to' you, rather than 'at' you, or off-topic. We can't always, but being awake to that and aware of the difference is precisely what maturity brings. It's a fail-safe inner defence.

All fingers crossed now for great news from D's mid-week, useful feedback however it goes.

While you're waiting for that, keep looking for some voluntary hours/occupation and plan some new money-wisdom. If you do that now, with little, you'll have the framework fully in place for when £££s improve.
Money-saving is addictive ONCE YOU START. Moneywaster 2007 Threads[sledgehammer reminder]

This is pure Pollyanna/Ann of Green Gables - me being bossy for a Saturday morning:p, but it's the perfect maxim to put on with your jocks, jeans, dubok, baggies, belt, whatever -every morning now:

TODAY IS A NEW DAY WITH NO MISTAKES ON IT.

Remember that Aunt, as sister to Mum or Dad invokes a family dynamic pre-dating your conception. That will be part of the coming-to-terms mix, too.

I suggest a weekly, no more than this, postcard to your family.

Don't dismiss this. Keep it simple. It's you moving forward. In years to come, you'll find at least some were kept. If they're sent back, that is communication. If they're destroyed, you won't know[=another failed job appn in the sum of things] so move on to the next one.

£1 per week max, inc. stamp. Connections, Scuffer. You send them. It leaves you. Onto next breath. Forward.

You'll marshal small observations, details of little, nothing, something, work, not work, a memory triggered when you passed somewhere/ate something... If it has nothing more than 'I'm hurting, but I'm trying', send it anyway.
'Do you remember we came here? I do'. 'Starting work in D's next week.' 'tried to make your pasta thing'etc.etc. Just keep going, because you can't go backwards, only forwards.

But you must pilot that line yourself, within the constraints that offending still imposes[assuming unspent, affecting passport too].

Set a fixed day for this each week. Sun pm perhaps?

Now, just enjoy a sun-on-your-face-and-body weekend. I'll even cheer a MU victory, although my sympathies are Liverpudlian away from le ballon ovale.

Take care Scuffer. The good'uns for you outnumber the others on all your Threads[you may want to merge/close some eventually.] Scuffer's Life Journey Diary. And YOU are more powerful than all of us put together where your future is concerned:D. OK?

Remember to check with that local link where/if you can have free net/wi-fi.

ampersand

whodathunkit wrote: »

I agree completely with TW's post. I don't understand why some people seem to think you're remorseful as you don't come over that way to me at all. All your posts are self pitying and seeking to find excuses for what you've done and minimising your actions.

I suggest you concentrate on being fully independent of your family to rebuild your life and try to make contact again after you are in a situation where they can feel proud of you, rather than expecting them to bail you out of your problems; finishing your degree (perhaps with the OU) would be a good start to this process.

#
Tosh.
Simply unsubscrbe.

Tiddlywinks

Well, I haven't failed to read anything...

Were I the OP's parents I'd want to see a true understanding and self awareness of his part in this whole sorry tale.

Yes, he made a mistake BUT his mistake has had a huge impact on his family.

Making snippy comments about his parents 'thinking they are important' just illustrates how the OP has missed the point about how his actions have damaged others.

Showing sympathy will not help the OP - realism is required.

Kayalana99

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Yes, he made a mistake BUT his mistake has had a huge impact on his family.

Making snippy comments about his parents 'thinking they are important' just illustrates how the OP has missed the point about how his actions have damaged others.

Showing sympathy will not help the OP - realism is required.

My view is that the parents should put their sons welfare before 'what people think.'

It's great to be an important part of a community - but if your direct family needs help you help them not abandon them because of what the neighbours think.