I want my family back but they hate me

Scuffer

I really dont know if this is the right place for me to post this but other parts of this forum have provided me with some great advice which is really going to help me with employment and i'm just hoping someone will be able to help with my specific situation. I'll explain and see what comes of it...

2 years ago i was sent to prison for 43 months and served 22 months. I was in my final year at university and on course for a 2.1 in electrical engineering. My crime was 4 counts of possession with intent to supply. My girlfriends brother asked and paid me to carry his bag of weed into a music festival and i agreed thinking it was only a small amount. When i was going in i spotted a sniffer dog and tried to do a runner but the security guards at the gate caught me. The amount of drugs on me was significant and more than the bag of weed i thought it was.

I never told my family that i was in trouble and thought i could hide it because i was convinced my university degree would be my saviour from a custodial sentence, which it wasn't and i was sent down. After being inside for 3 weeks i made the decision to tell my family i was in prison. I phoned my sister to tell her i was inside and she already knew because it had been published in the local paper she then told me not to call her again because i have brought shame on the family.

Prison was tough, i wrote to my parents telling them i was sorry and they never even wrote back. I sent visitations to them and they never showed up. Even at christmas which was the toughest time of it all i hoped maybe they would forgive me and write to me but they never in my whole 22 months i received no letters or visitors and this really hurt. I needed support.

Now i'm out my auntie has taken me in, she tells me my parents and sister will forgive me eventually. I went around to their house to see them and my mum answered the door telling me to go away because she is so angry and disappointed with me. I'm trying everything to get back on my feet and support from them would be a real confidence boost. I just have no idea how i will get them to forgive me?

ceh209

Hi Scuffer, I've been reading your other posts already but not posted.

It seems to me the best thing you can do is try to rebuild your life and move on from your time in prison - by trying to get a job as you are doing, eventually finishing your degree if you want to.

If your family see this and can see you've turned your life around etc, then maybe they'll forgive you. Then again maybe they won't - but either way you'll have a better education, job etc.

You can't force them to forgive you, but you can stand on your own two feet and do the best you can for yourself :A

marisco_2

I would like to wish you lots of luck in successfully rebuilding your life. I hope that in time your relatives will feel able to re-establish their relationship with you. Give them as much time as they need to do this. As tough as being in prison must have been for you, don't underestimate how much it will also have impacted on the lives of those closest to you. They cant pretend that nothing happened or that it really wasn't such a big deal. They may feel hesitant about contacting you and feel worried that you could make bad choices in the future and hurt them again.

I hope they will eventually reason that forgiving you will free up and put to better use the energy that is being consumed by holding on to upsets and harbouring ill feeling. It is about moving on and choosing happiness over anger. Refusing to replay past hurts in their mind over and over again, like a broken record. I hope they will realise that anger and resentment wont serve them well long term.

azzabazza

Continue the way you are going. Trying to gain employment, striving to pick up your degree etc. If your family see you doing your absolute best I would hope they will gradually come round. At least your aunt has taken you in and I am sure she will be passing on snippets of information about you to your family. Time can be a great healer!

Good luck.

PlymouthMaid

Although they must have been shocked and disappointed I actually find their reaction incredibly harsh. I know if my children were locked up for that sort of crime in the circumstances you describe, I would have been visiting them in prison and welcoming them home afterwards as you certainly do not come across as a hardened criminal who has not learned his lesson. Give them time and show by your actions that you are sorting yourself out. I was reading your JSA thread a moment ago. Is there no chance you could get back to uni to complete that degree?

Kayalana99

I think the 2nd poster hit it spot on...so *virtual hug* if I had a job to give you I would!

Good luck and keep going, you've already hit rock bottom now you can only go up.

Kayalana99

PlymouthMaid wrote: »

Although they must have been shocked and disappointed I actually find their reaction incredibly harsh.

Sorry I mis read.

creativemieu

I think it has already been all said, but I do wish you all the best of luck in rebuilding your life. Be strong and self reliant, turn your life around so that your parents can believe in you again and be proud of you. Good luck, and as someone else said.... virtual hug. And be very careful who you do favours for in the future!

harrys_nan

I just want to say I agree with Plymouth maid re your family, doing that favour has cost you dear and for that I'm very sorry. Is your girl friend still in your life? Have you ever talked to her?
Start your life again now, get that degree , get that good job and hopefully your family will start to see you are turning your life around, what has happend in the past has gone, look to the future now and have a ((((hug)))) from me.

sweaty_betty

harrys_nan wrote: »

I just want to say I agree with Plymouth maid re your family, doing that favour has cost you dear and for that I'm very sorry. Is your girl friend still in your life? Have you ever talked to her?
Start your life again now, get that degree , get that good job and hopefully your family will start to see you are turning your life around, what has happend in the past has gone, look to the future now and have a ((((hug)))) from me.

PlymouthMaid wrote: »

Although they must have been shocked and disappointed I actually find their reaction incredibly harsh. I know if my children were locked up for that sort of crime in the circumstances you describe, I would have been visiting them in prison and welcoming them home afterwards as you certainly do not come across as a hardened criminal who has not learned his lesson. Give them time and show by your actions that you are sorting yourself out. I was reading your JSA thread a moment ago. Is there no chance you could get back to uni to complete that degree?

Just wanted to second what the above posters say. I'm sorry that your family hasn't been more supportive, despite the shock and upset it must have caused them. Good luck in rebuilding your life, I do believe it's possible to put mistakes like this behind you.

indsty

Try to remember that your family do not "hate" you. They are disappointed, confused, ashamed and embarrassed. They had high hopes for you which they now think have been thrown away.
They need to see you behave responsibly, finish your degree if possible, find work if possible, become a model citizen and continue showing you care about them. I am afraid you will need to do some serious grovelling but don't push too hard. Time will begin to heal their wounds, and yours.