I want my family back but they hate me

Scuffer

Poppops wrote: »

Hi there

My brother went to jail after a drunken fight and my parents, who are quiet and pride themselves on being respectable, were devastated. However they, we, all stuck by him and he has turned his life around.

So I think your family are being very, very harsh.

Something extremely traumatic happened to me three and a half years ago, and when some of my family failed to support me, having relied on me for all sorts of things, my husband sat me down and asked me one question.

Why do you insist on trying to gain the approval of people who make your life worse, not better?

I was horrified at first, but now, three years later, whilst I haven't 'cut anyone off', I don't let anyone who upsets me, however closely related they may be, have a detrimental effect on my life. And I'm happier now than I was then.

I'm not for one minute suggesting that you don't continue trying to have a relationship with your family, I just don't think you should tear yourself apart trying to do it.

As long as you know you aren't going to repeat your mistake, you should forgive yourself and move on. I'm sure your family will come round, but if they don't, at least you tried.

Best of luck x

Thanks i feel with me my wounds are still fresh and them not being part of my life or trying to support me is like salt in the wounds.

jscott05

Mate you've served your time got to put it behind you. They are ashamed so make them proud go about your life try finish your uni or at least get a good job. When your parents see that other people are willing to put it behind you then they will come round. If only we all got it right first time and made no mistakes in life it would be so much easier.

GobbledyGook

Your family, however harsh they are being, are probably as upset and/or angry about the manner they found out about you being in prison as they are about the actual offence.

I do think they are being harsh to never have spoken to you, but it must have been horrible, embarrassing and incredibly upsetting to find out your own child was in prison through the newspaper. Perhaps they think that since you didn't want their support then you do not want it now?

dandy-candy

Sorry if I missed the answer to this, but did you tell the police/court that these were the other blokes drugs? If they were in his rucksack surely so were his other belongings? And if he is already a known drug dealer it would seem like quite a lot to back up your story?

Carl31

Nicki wrote: »

Or "my parents live in a small community where they are well respected and give up their time voluntarily for the good of the neighbourhood. They are ashamed that their son chose to become involved in dealing a significant quantity of serious drugs and don't feel he has repented of this, as he continues to minimise his role"?

However you choose to spin this scuffer, you were not an innocent drug mule. You knowingly accepted the risk of carrying these drugs for money. It is hard to believe to be honest that you were unable to tell the difference between a small bag of weed for personal use and a large package of assorted drugs, but even if you weren't able to make this distinction, you did knowingly become involved in this.

To be honest until you stop blaming your parents for your mistake, and stop minimising the extent of the crime for which you were convicted, I can't see how you can hope to repair this relationship. None of what happened to you was your parents fault. Their disappointment and your current estrangement whilst hopefully temporary, are part of the consequences of your decision to carry drugs to make an easy £100

Sometimes things are not as black and white as just being legal or illegal

Just because something is illegal doesn't mean its right. I think the family should be looking at what has actually happened and considering things on that basis, instead of their own self pity

We all make mistakes, some carry heavier punishments than others, but they are mistakes non the less. Surely people are allowed to make mistakes?

OK drugs are illegal, being gay was illegal up until 20 years ago in this country, was that right? Applied to this situation, Dishoning your own flesh and blood due to the genes you gave them?

This guys family are in the wrong here, they should be supportive not the opposite

whodathunkit

JIL wrote: »

I really feel for you. I doubt very much if you were not genuine you would be bothering to post on this forum. You seem lonely and desperate.
You have served your time and in time your parents will come round, but the ball is in their court. It may be months or years. It may take you getting married or the birth of your first child. You cannot push them, just keep sending cards at Christmas and birthdays.
You need time to adapt to everyday life and being part of society. Time is a great healer and I hope you are soon back on track.
Good luck with finding employment.

You've been a member here for nearly 5 years and you can actually believe this?

whodathunkit

Carl31 wrote: »

Sometimes things are not as black and white as just being legal or illegal

Just because something is illegal doesn't mean its right. I think the family should be looking at what has actually happened and considering things on that basis, instead of their own self pity

We all make mistakes, some carry heavier punishments than others, but they are mistakes non the less. Surely people are allowed to make mistakes?

OK drugs are illegal, being gay was illegal up until 20 years ago in this country, was that right? Applied to this situation, Dishoning your own flesh and blood due to the genes you gave them?

This guys family are in the wrong here, they should be supportive not the opposite

Dealng drugs as a genetic disorder - that's a new one!

Nicki

Carl31 wrote: »

Sometimes things are not as black and

I agree.

Starting your post by referring to a conviction for carrying weed for a friend gives a very different impression to admitting that you in fact were carrying ketamine, heroin or whichever 3 class A drugs OP had in a large quantity on him when he was arrested, don't you think? He could have been up front with what he did whilst still explaining he made an error of judgment but it would have put his parents stunned reaction into better context.

The fact is if this was genuinely the whole extent of what OP did, and he only did it once, and he was the quiet hard working introvert he described with good character witnesses and he pleaded guilty to the offence, then the sentence he describes is not in line with the sentencing guidelines and would surely have been appealed. Yes judges do sometimes do throw the book at people but usually there is a reason for that.

OPs family are upset. There may well be a very good reason for that. OP needs to look at their side of things as well as his own, is all I am saying.

19lottie82

Nicki wrote: »

Or "my parents live in a small community where they are well respected and give up their time voluntarily for the good of the neighbourhood. They are ashamed that their son chose to become involved in dealing a significant quantity of serious drugs and don't feel he has repented of this, as he continues to minimise his role"?

However you choose to spin this scuffer, you were not an innocent drug mule. You knowingly accepted the risk of carrying these drugs for money. It is hard to believe to be honest that you were unable to tell the difference between a small bag of weed for personal use and a large package of assorted drugs, but even if you weren't able to make this distinction, you did knowingly become involved in this.

To be honest until you stop blaming your parents for your mistake, and stop minimising the extent of the crime for which you were convicted, I can't see how you can hope to repair this relationship. None of what happened to you was your parents fault. Their disappointment and your current estrangement whilst hopefully temporary, are part of the consequences of your decision to carry drugs to make an easy £100

Wow, judgemental much? Well you seem to have made up your own mind, even though you have nothing to go on apart from what the OP has told you.

From your other threads its seems that you have young children. Well, I hope neither of them are daft enough to make a mistake, but then again, maybe you should start preparing yourself, as most people do make mistakes it's a fact of life.

If / when they do make mistakes along the path of life, I really hope, for their sakes, you will be a bit more supportive and less judgemental that you appear to be in this thread.

whodathunkit

19lottie82 wrote: »

Wow, judgemental much? Well you seem to have made up your own mind, even though you have nothing to go on apart from what the OP has told you.

From your other threads its seems that you have young children. Well, I hope neither of them are daft enough to make a mistake, but then again, maybe you should start preparing yourself, as most people do make mistakes it's a fact of life.

If / when they do make mistakes along the path of life, I really hope, for their sakes, you will be a bit more supportive and less judgemental that you appear to be in this thread.

And what other information are you privy to?

Most people would consider making their own mind up to be a positive thing. Committing a major offence is unlikely to be the same thing as making a daft mistake - if one of my children were punished for major drug dealing, I hope my response would be something other than "poor diddums"!