I want my family back but they hate me

toniq

Scuffer sounds like my family, I'm the black sheep for stuff I done in my early teens, now I'm forty one I still get the oh you disspapointed and shamed the family.............My family is asian and have a lot of that we will be looked down on in our community for what you did?!?!!?, and I just leave them to it and live my life as I want, I will never live up to their ideals and be the good little girl they wanted, I stopped trying to please them and am happy for it.

x

Nicki

An innocent tricked into smuggling in a small amount of weed, or a habitual drug user who was caught in possession of a sizeable quantity of 4 different drugs including 3 of ketamine, heroin, ecstasy, amphetamines and LSD as well as the weed? To be honest I can't imagine anyone who didn't do drugs themselves agreeing to assist in the supply of drugs for their girlfriends brother, and if you got the sentence you describe for the role you describe, the sentencing guidelines (http://www.cps.gov.uk/legal/s_to_u/sentencing_manual/supply_class_a_drugs/) mean you had a LOT of serious drugs on you when you were arrested.

If you have been giving your family a hard time for years due to drug use and general bad behaviour and this was the final straw, I can understand why they feel enough is enough and have decided to let you stand on your own two feet for their own mental health and happiness. If you have genuinely put this life behind you however, I suspect you need a bit more of a track record of reformed living to earn back their trust and forgiveness.

Scuffer

Nicki wrote: »

An innocent tricked into smuggling in a small amount of weed, or a habitual drug user who was caught in possession of a sizeable quantity of 4 different drugs including 3 of ketamine, heroin, ecstasy, amphetamines and LSD as well as the weed? To be honest I can't imagine anyone who didn't do drugs themselves agreeing to assist in the supply of drugs for their girlfriends brother, and if you got the sentence you describe for the role you describe, the sentencing guidelines (http://www.cps.gov.uk/legal/s_to_u/sentencing_manual/supply_class_a_drugs/) mean you had a LOT of serious drugs on you when you were arrested.

If you have been giving your family a hard time for years due to drug use and general bad behaviour and this was the final straw, I can understand why they feel enough is enough and have decided to let you stand on your own two feet for their own mental health and happiness. If you have genuinely put this life behind you however, I suspect you need a bit more of a track record of reformed living to earn back their trust and forgiveness.

I have never been a drug user, i dont even drink. He said security would check him because he had been caught before and paid me £100 to do it. I was skint, needed the money and only accepted because it was my girlfriends brother. Neither of us knew he was a dealer we just thought he was a pothead. As for giving my family a hard time, not the case. I'm an introvert, never had many friends and always did my best at school. I mentioned this in another thread that at school i never even had a detention.

Scuffer

toniq wrote: »

Scuffer sounds like my family, I'm the black sheep for stuff I done in my early teens, now I'm forty one I still get the oh you disspapointed and shamed the family.............My family is asian and have a lot of that we will be looked down on in our community for what you did?!?!!?, and I just leave them to it and live my life as I want, I will never live up to their ideals and be the good little girl they wanted, I stopped trying to please them and am happy for it.

x

Sounds like me now. I'm from a small rural community where my parents are on the parish council and think they are important. Knowing it was in the paper means i was probably hot gossip for a while, so this is probably where the shame is coming from.

Scuffer

PlymouthMaid wrote: »

Although they must have been shocked and disappointed I actually find their reaction incredibly harsh. I know if my children were locked up for that sort of crime in the circumstances you describe, I would have been visiting them in prison and welcoming them home afterwards as you certainly do not come across as a hardened criminal who has not learned his lesson. Give them time and show by your actions that you are sorting yourself out. I was reading your JSA thread a moment ago. Is there no chance you could get back to uni to complete that degree?

Not at the moment but if i get a job soon and get everything sorted by august at the latest then there is a small chance i could get back in this year or i'll have to wait until next year.

Scuffer

Wilma33 wrote: »

Are you still with your girlfriend?

Nope, we split up before i was sentenced. In a way i kind of blamed her for not stopping me and not knowing her brother is a piece of !!!!.

Nicki

Scuffer wrote: »

Sounds like me now. I'm from a small rural community where my parents are on the parish council and think they are important. Knowing it was in the paper means i was probably hot gossip for a while, so this is probably where the shame is coming from.

Or "my parents live in a small community where they are well respected and give up their time voluntarily for the good of the neighbourhood. They are ashamed that their son chose to become involved in dealing a significant quantity of serious drugs and don't feel he has repented of this, as he continues to minimise his role"?

However you choose to spin this scuffer, you were not an innocent drug mule. You knowingly accepted the risk of carrying these drugs for money. It is hard to believe to be honest that you were unable to tell the difference between a small bag of weed for personal use and a large package of assorted drugs, but even if you weren't able to make this distinction, you did knowingly become involved in this.

To be honest until you stop blaming your parents for your mistake, and stop minimising the extent of the crime for which you were convicted, I can't see how you can hope to repair this relationship. None of what happened to you was your parents fault. Their disappointment and your current estrangement whilst hopefully temporary, are part of the consequences of your decision to carry drugs to make an easy £100

Poppops

Hi there

My brother went to jail after a drunken fight and my parents, who are quiet and pride themselves on being respectable, were devastated. However they, we, all stuck by him and he has turned his life around.

So I think your family are being very, very harsh.

Something extremely traumatic happened to me three and a half years ago, and when some of my family failed to support me, having relied on me for all sorts of things, my husband sat me down and asked me one question.

Why do you insist on trying to gain the approval of people who make your life worse, not better?

I was horrified at first, but now, three years later, whilst I haven't 'cut anyone off', I don't let anyone who upsets me, however closely related they may be, have a detrimental effect on my life. And I'm happier now than I was then.

I'm not for one minute suggesting that you don't continue trying to have a relationship with your family, I just don't think you should tear yourself apart trying to do it.

As long as you know you aren't going to repeat your mistake, you should forgive yourself and move on. I'm sure your family will come round, but if they don't, at least you tried.

Best of luck x

JIL

I really feel for you. I doubt very much if you were not genuine you would be bothering to post on this forum. You seem lonely and desperate.
You have served your time and in time your parents will come round, but the ball is in their court. It may be months or years. It may take you getting married or the birth of your first child. You cannot push them, just keep sending cards at Christmas and birthdays.
You need time to adapt to everyday life and being part of society. Time is a great healer and I hope you are soon back on track.
Good luck with finding employment.

Scuffer

Nicki wrote: »

Or "my parents live in a small community where they are well respected and give up their time voluntarily for the good of the neighbourhood. They are ashamed that their son chose to become involved in dealing a significant quantity of serious drugs and don't feel he has repented of this, as he continues to minimise his role"?

However you choose to spin this scuffer, you were not an innocent drug mule. You knowingly accepted the risk of carrying these drugs for money. It is hard to believe to be honest that you were unable to tell the difference between a small bag of weed for personal use and a large package of assorted drugs, but even if you weren't able to make this distinction, you did knowingly become involved in this.

To be honest until you stop blaming your parents for your mistake, and stop minimising the extent of the crime for which you were convicted, I can't see how you can hope to repair this relationship. None of what happened to you was your parents fault. Their disappointment and your current estrangement whilst hopefully temporary, are part of the consequences of your decision to carry drugs to make an easy £100

Before you pass judgement at least know the facts. 1 the drugs were in his backpack, i didn't look in it to admire his weed. 2 minimising the extent of the crime? I've sat in hell for the past 22 months accepting what i did, this is what happened and there is really no point whatsoever in me minimising it now after i've served my time is there? They weren't my drugs, the fact i did it for £100 when there was over £2000 worth of drugs in the bag kind of shows how stupid i was. Think what you want about me though, i think pretty low of myself anyway because quite simply i have nothing now and only myself to blame. I hope that has made things clearer for you