I want my family back but they hate me

Nicki

Scuffer wrote: »

This just shows what you know... The maximum sentence i could have received was 7 years. It was in category 4 of possession with intent to supply. The drugs were MDMA, pills, weed and amphetamine. 20 1 gram wraps of MDMA, 120 pills, 56 grams of cannabis and 45 1 gram wraps of amphetamine.

That clears things up nicely for everyone thanks.

Here is the link to the sentencing guidelines again http://www.cps.gov.uk/legal/s_to_u/sentencing_manual/supply_class_a_drugs/

If this is what Scuffer was found in possession of, then his role in all of this was considerably different to what he has described. What he has described is designated a "lesser" role and a sentence of 43 months is outside the permissible range. He must have had either a significant role in the supply of drugs (where the sentence he got is at the top end of the allowable range) but far more likely a "leading" role in a drugs chain because that is the only role where the maximum sentence is 7 years for this category of drugs.

I point this out not because I don't think people should be allowed to start again after serving time. I actually feel rehabilitation and fresh starts are very important. I do however object strongly to parents being castigated for behaving badly by not standing by him when this is based on a false description of what has gone on.

Frankly, good parenting is about holding your children to account for standards. As I was asked directly by lottie, if a child of mine committed the offence scuffed committed and was genuinely sorry and wanting to start afresh, yes I would be standing by them and supporting them every step of the way. If on the other hand their reaction to being convicted and imprisoned for something like this was "so what, it was just a bag of green" when it was clearly far more than that, no I would not be there to support them in that lifestyle and would want to see that they had changed their ways before welcoming them back into a family with younger children still at home.

Tiddlywinks

Kayalana99 wrote: »

My view is that the parents should put their sons welfare before 'what people think.'

It's great to be an important part of a community - but if your direct family needs help you help them not abandon them because of what the neighbours think.

That's a big assumption to make about their motives...

Their son committed a serious offence and kept it from them. He then went to prison and didn't contact them for three weeks.

That's a long time to go without contact from an adult child at uni.

Then to be bushwhacked by a newspaper article... horrendous.

THEY have feelings as well... Don't assume it's about the public face.

ampersand

Fortunately, tw[and others of like persuasion] you are not Scuffer's parent and you clearly think the same.

Sympathy is realism. Misplaced sympathy is not. There is none of that.

Scuffer, can - and is - fighting his own battles, naîve as he may be in seeking constructive comment here. No amount of condemnation can damn him more than he is doing to himself.

Now, go outside, enjoy the sun, do something wholesome.

Kayalana99

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

That's a big assumption to make about their motives...

Their son committed a serious offer and kept it from them. He then went to prison and didn't contact them for three weeks.

That's a long time to go without contact from an adult child at uni.

Then to be bushwhacked by a newspaper article... horrendous.

THEY have feelings as well... Don't assume it's about the public face.

That's still my opinion, I would never abandon my child.

Nicki

Kayalana99 wrote: »

That's still my opinion, I would never abandon my child.

Good for you, but that makes it much more likely I am afraid if your child makes a similar "mistake" to scuffer, that you will end up parenting the local drugs dealer, rather than bringing up a decent law abiding young man who learns from a one off error of judgment and moves on from it.

The crux of all this is not what scuffer did 2 years ago. It is about how he is rationalising what he did then. If he were accepting the full gravity of what he did and showing remorse that would be one thing. Lying about the extent of his culpability and minimising the seriousness of the offence is what rings all the warning bells for me and others.

Scuffer AND his parents are all adults now. You can't be expected to be forced to take an unrepentant drug dealer into your home when you have other children still living there and when said drug dealer has already treated you with public contempt, just because you are related to them. His parents have choices in this too, and if their position is that they need him to straighten his life out first before they have him back, that does not make them bad people.

Tiddlywinks

ampersand wrote: »

Fortunately, you are not Scuffer's parent and you clearly think the same.

Sympathy is realism. Misplaced sympathy is not. There is none of that.

No... Sympathy is seeing someone has fallen into a hole and jumping in after them.

Realism is telling them how they got there (important learning) and offering a ladder to get them out.

Most people on this thread are saying 'there, there... no harm done... You're not bad really' etc etc. that is not helpful, it just reinforces the OP's assertions that he has been hard done by.

He needs help to realise that:

- he is an adult and he freely CHOSE to carry drugs for someone else and get paid for his services.

- society - using the justice system - concluded that his actions were unacceptable and required punishment.

- his actions have negatively and permanently changed the lives of his family.

Those are the facts.

Demonstrating this awareness and understanding should then help in showing his parents that he 'gets' what he's done to them.

Kayalana99

Nicki wrote: »

Good for you, but that makes it much more likely I am afraid if your child makes a similar "mistake" to scuffer, that you will end up parenting the local drugs dealer, rather than bringing up a decent law abiding young man who learns from a one off error of judgment and moves on from it.

The crux of all this is not what scuffer did 2 years ago. It is about how he is rationalising what he did then. If he were accepting the full gravity of what he did and showing remorse that would be one thing. Lying about the extent of his culpability and minimising the seriousness of the offence is what rings all the warning bells for me and others.

Scuffer AND his parents are all adults now. You can't be expected to be forced to take an unrepentant drug dealer into your home when you have other children still living there and when said drug dealer has already treated you with public contempt, just because you are related to them. His parents have choices in this too, and if their position is that they need him to straighten his life out first before they have him back, that does not make them bad people.

Are you really saying that because I love my children enough to stand by their side no matter what that they are more likey to break the law as I WONT abandon them? What a load of tosh......

If one of my children got done for something that was threatening to my other children then I would be forced to ask them to leave home - that doesn't mean I don't love them or wouldn't help them find a place and get set up - jobs whatever.

Georgiegirl256

Well, all I can say is that I'm glad my friend wasn't as judgmental some of you here seem to be. :eek:

Her son got put away for 3-4 years for a drug related crime, she went through hell, but you know what? She stood by him. Every Sunday she would drive about a 300 mile round trip (until he got transferred closer to home, but it was still a long way to drive even then) to go and visit him. He wasn't a bad lad deep down, he was of previously good character, he'd just been incredibly stupid getting involved.

It wasn't a case of 'there there son, never mind', she gave him what for, and then some....but instead of washing her hands of him, she stood by him, as did his two sisters....they are an incredibly close family, and I couldn't imagine her ever turning her back on him like the OP's parents appear to have done. IMO, they are the ones who should be ashamed of themselves.

OP, I hope you manage to resolve things soon.

Georgiegirl256

Also, people are saying that he's brought shame on the family, what will people think etc. well, all I can say is if the parents are more concerned about what other people think than they are about their own son, well, it's a very sorry state of affairs indeed....

ampersand

Empathy and Sympathy are often confused in common usage.

sympathy
ˈsɪmpəθi/Submit
noun
1.
feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune.
"they had great sympathy for the flood victims"
synonyms: commiseration, pity, condolence, consolation, comfort, solace, support, encouragement; More
antonyms: indifference
formal expression of such feelings; condolences.
plural noun: sympathies; plural noun: one's sympathies
"all Tony's friends joined in sending their sympathies to his widow Jean"
2.
understanding between people; common feeling.
"the special sympathy between the two boys was obvious to all"
#
empathy
ˈɛmpəθi/Submit
noun
1.
the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
~~~~~~~~
He [STRIKE]needs help to realise[/STRIKE] knows that:

- he is an adult and he freely CHOSE to carry drugs for someone else and get paid for his services.

- society - using the justice system - concluded that his actions were unacceptable and required punishment.[precious and inaccurate, but a Pass, just]

- his actions have negatively and permanently changed the lives of his family.

So, he is trying, stumbling, trying, failing, trying.....and reaching out.