Am I being unreasonable?

claire16c

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

Just catching up. Thanks for the opinions. The outcome is different to what I had first anticipated. A friend has offered to look after my daughter for the day with my ex collecting her that evening as he normally would.

Having collected my daughter from her grandparents just half hour ago I just want to say that I dont stop her spending time with them because they are smokers. They collect her from pre school twice a week and look after her for a hour until I am able to collect her. As usual, she absolutely hums and as Im typing this she is happily splashing about in the bath. I literally gag when she hugged me hello. Its disgusting. Its definitely made me realise that my opinion is that I do not want my daughter staying overnight in a smokey environment.

So, if my ex hadnt been able to keep to the plans we had made over 8 weeks ago or my friend be kind enough to watch my daughter for the day then I would have been taking her away with me. I already have a signed letter from my ex kept with her passport permitting her travel with me as I travel a lot taking DD with me on many occasions.

Could they not take her from preschool and look after her at your house for that time instead? That would really annoy me having my child stink like that.

Poppy9

My In laws were heavy smokers and DD only grandchild. She didn't stay there overnight until she was about 13. They never offered and it was only because MIL was widowed and DD asked to stay that she stayed. She did come back stinking even though she didn't smoke while there.

A shower and clean clothes sorted her out. DD is asthmatic but didn't have an attack during or after the sleepover. DD hated the smell too but put the person first.

3 years later MIL died an DD is sad she didn't get to stay over more often.

balletshoes

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

Did you not read my post? I dont need their help, I would prefer my daughter was in nursery socialising with other children of her age, however, as they do not get to see her very often they asked if they can pick her up from pre school twice a week and see her for a hour. I could easily stop them seeing her and pop her in a nursery but as I believe its good for them to spend some time together I agreed to their proposal so they maintain a relationship with her.

Edit to include that my ex arranges them to have her overnight which I am not happy with. A hour twice a week is a massive difference to overnight.

to be honest, i think as your daughter already spends twice a week in her grandparents home, you're going to upset them and your ex by saying no to them having her overnight in their home. It puts you in a more awkward position, in my opinion, than if she didn't spend time in her grandparents home regularly anyway.

In these circumstances, i agree with others who say there is no real difference between an hour twice a week there, and an overnight there.

jellyhead

I'm glad it's been sorted out anyway

I'd have been like you, not wanting her to stay - but I have asthma, and smokers made my childhood a misery.

But ... if your daughter doesn't have asthma and the grandparents are good people who love her and try to adjust their lifestyle for her then I do think it's unreasonable to refuse.

Yes, the houses, hair and clothes of smokers are disgusting and dangerous even if they don't smoke around your daughter, but smoking is not illegal, and some kids have to live full time with smokers, and that's not illegal.

I don't really think you can veto him taking his daughter to the grandparents really? He has a right to family time with her, even if his parents are smokers.

I wondered why he didn't have his daughter when she was poorly though - are his other children fragile in some way and can't be exposed to ill toddlers? If not then it seems odd that he places their health above hers.

Lieja

If you felt totally justified in your decision you wouldn't be asking people on the internet whether it's reasonable or not. You're denying your daughter the time with her dad and grandparents, which will no doubt cause further problems, in an attempt to control what dad does with her while she's in his care. Next time he'll probably just not bother to tell you what he's planned. How would you feel if he told you that you weren't taking his daughter away because the aeroplane could crash, or she might come into contact with some foreign germs?

mgdavid

Lieja wrote: »

If you felt totally justified in your decision you wouldn't be asking people on the internet whether it's reasonable or not. You're denying your daughter the time with her dad and grandparents, which will no doubt cause further problems, in an attempt to control what dad does with her while she's in his care. Next time he'll probably just not bother to tell you what he's planned. How would you feel if he told you that you weren't taking his daughter away because the aeroplane could crash, or she might come into contact with some foreign germs?

which is what I asked back in post 36 but the OP conveniently ignored the question.