Am I being unreasonable?

ecgirl07

You have to balance mental health and a child's wellbeing and place in a family against one night of residual smoke in the house.

I hate cigarette smoke but if they promise not to smoke in front of her the for one night it is ok. You never know a wee grandwean telling granny and grandad that they smell of stinky smoke might help them kick start a program to cut back or even stop.

Poppy9

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

After reading the links that one member posted re 3rd hand smoke and taking into consideration my daughters health then no, I wouldnt. And I wont be.

I have now given him the opportunity to revert back to his original plan of when he was spending time with her, if he chooses that something else is more important then time with, and the health of, his daughter.. well then so be it. But I do now feel content that I am protecting her from potentially harmful health issues.

The way this is written it sounds like you are using your DD as a weapon to have a dig at your ex. If he has work commitments, he has work commitments. He is also your DD parent and has made alternative arrangements.

So your choice is:

• Ask for his parents to babysit at his house
• Ask that his parents babysit at your house
• Take your DD on holiday with you

DannyBo

*yawn*

Much ado about nothing, pointless thread with a predetermined outcome anyway.

WestonDave

One thing to consider is whether you'd need his permission to take her out of the country without it being classed as abduction. As I understand it if you don't have a residence order, and he retains parental responsibility for her, you can't take her out of the UK without his permission. If you have a residence order then you can have 4 weeks without permission. I'm not an expert on this so its worth checking!

mgdavid

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

My ex would not be amused. But then I dont feel happy leaving her in an environment that can be detrimental to her health. He thinks I am over reacting.

for the sake of 24 hours, so do I. How would you react if he witheld agreement for you to take the child abroad?

bagpussbear

I think you are being slightly unreasonable given they will not be smoking around her, and it's just for one night.

I do know what you mean by that horrible smell of smoke impregnating everything, my parents smoked heavily so don't get me wrong I do have sympathy, and if you had a choice I would say don't leave her.

But you don't seem to have much choice here. I really don't see how 1 night in a house that smells of smoke is going to make her ill (others may disagree) when it's for 1 night and they won't be smoking around her.

FBaby

I think you are making yourself anxious unecessary. 24 hours in a house of smokers who will not smoke when she is there is not going to give her asthma or cancer later in life. The smell might not be great, but she will be at her dad before she comes home and you would need to wash her/her clothes just the same anyway.

What matters is that you trust them looking after all safely. The rest might not be ideal, but it won't be worse than you going away all anxious. Just relax.

jetplane

ecgirl07 wrote: »

You have to balance mental health and a child's wellbeing and place in a family against one night of residual smoke in the house.

I hate cigarette smoke but if they promise not to smoke in front of her the for one night it is ok. You never know a wee grandwean telling granny and grandad that they smell of stinky smoke might help them kick start a program to cut back or even stop.

DannyBo wrote: »

*yawn*

Much ado about nothing, pointless thread with a predetermined outcome anyway.

Have to agree with the above, yes we know the dangers of smoke but smokers are treat like lepers. If they don't smoke in front of her she probably inhales more smoke every time she walks into a shopping centre or public building. I have to hold my breath outside shops as the amount of smoke is a disgrace. Yes she will stink, the house will stink but I feel the same way about houses with pet hair and pet smells, yuk. Smelly dogs that children cuddle and their face gets licked and cats on the bed.

I think the issue is far more about him not seeing her since Feb, constantly letting her down and he is doing it again. I agree that it would have to be something absolutely unavoidable and urgent for him not to be home on Thursday. But I also think you have made your mind up and are using the thread to validate your decision.

Does your daughter have fun with her dad and her half siblings, will he not have washed the smell of smoke off her by Sunday?

PS. Don't know your reason for being abroad but depending where you are smoking is permitted indoors in many countries and can't be avoided. How much smoke will she be exposed to over the four day period?

Prothet_of_Doom

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

Just received an email saying he will now not be home until Friday lunchtime

I dont have anyone else to look after her so its either she stays overnight with them and sees her father for the weekend or I book her flight to come with me.

Whatever the reasoning, he had better get home Thursday. Tell him that either she stays with him, or she goes with you. Simples.

If it's a work related issue, he's had enough notice to book leave etc. and if it's because of work pressure, then he's going to have to prioritise.

Play hard ball with him. It's his problem. You have a solution. You take her with you.

Heinsight ? Always have a back up plan in future.

Person_one

These are the children's grandparents, so they're going to be spending time there as they get older, that's inevitable. If visits are arranged during their dad's contact time there's no reason why he even has to tell you hes taking them to see his parents.

No, its not ideal, but its not the end of the world either, they won't be smoking in the house and a few days here and there are unlikely to do them any lasting damage. The real danger to children from smoky environments is when they live in them.