How do I live without him?

jaybee

I was going to suggest the song I Will Survivr by Gloria Gaynor! It's always been one of my favourite songs to play (loud) when feeling miserable. I especially like the Alien Song version (I'm sure you will have seen it - it's been around on the internet for ever) - it never fails to make me laugh out loud no matter how I'm feeling).

Another thing I've learnt is that however you are feeling is 'normal' for whatever you're going through.

Love your cats!!!! Mine always understood when I was upset or ill and seemed extra affectionate. They are good listeners as well - and they don't criticise or judge you either.

margaretclare

Hi PLB

I've just read your latest long messages. In a way, it's worse than being widowed or bereaved, because you know he's still alive and obviously still thinking of you because, lo and behold, out of the blue, he sends you a text!! This in a way is like reopening a wound, and as long as there's the possibility of him being out there, the wound will never heal.

I know what you mean about Scotland. I haven't been there for years, I never spent very long there, but it has a magical quality, I understand about that. My husband used to go there a lot on business, and he feels the same.

Maybe if you did something for Scotland? People have suggested volunteering, and yes, this can be very positive and healing, depending on what you do. Here's something you might care to look at: https://www.treesforlife.org.uk Or there's the British Trust for Conservation Volunteers:https://www.btcv.org

A lot of things need doing which are very physical, and this, like yoga etc, gives the endorphins, the 'feel-good' hormones.

We can't have cats because we've made a deliberate decision to turn the garden into a wildlife haven. Our last cat died a couple of years ago and we decided not to replace her, first because we did like popping off for a short break or long weekend, and any pet ties you down to some extent. When I was widowed in 1992 I still had some of the Yorkshire terriers bred by my late husband, plus about 3 cats, and I didn't find them a comfort. I would go out doing agency shifts and when I came home they were just one more thing making demands on me, dancing around with their expectant little faces, wanting feeding and attention, whereas what I needed was someone to bring me a cup of tea and say 'how was your day?' (And when my present husband said those very words to me, the first time he ever phoned me in October 1997, that was when I fell in love with him.)

I've just been re-reading an old novel from the 1960s called 'There was a fair maid dwelling' and the sequel 'The Unjust Skies'. Described on the blurb as 'A love that both denied, but neither could escape'. Sounds very much like you!!

We are just going out into the garden to sort out the compost bins. I need for them to be open rather than in plastic Dalek-like containers. I need for the birds, hedgehogs etc to be able to root around in them and find food, and maybe we will have slow-worms and grass-snakes in there as Chris Baines describes in his book 'Making a Wildlife Garden'. It rained heavily in the night but it's a lovely sunny day now.

Tomorrow I have a private appointment to see the orthopaedic surgeon who is going to do a second revision of left hip replacement later this year. I've attempted to see him at least 3 times now in the NHS orthopaedic outpatients, but for some reason that I can't fathom, they can never get my X-rays there together with my notes so I can see him in the hospital clinic, and it's useless seeing him without the X-ray. And you can't get an X-ray done on a normal clinic morning without waiting hours, and usually on a Wednesday (his hospital clinic day) I'm at school for 1 pm (my maths class, and yes, I said I'm soon going to be 70 and doing Intro to GCSE Maths!!) So I had another X-ray on a quiet day, a Saturday and my consultant's secretary has got it so I can see him in a civilised, quiet manner in his private consulting-room and discuss all the options without being rushed or hassled.

I hope you have a better day. Try to get outside for a bit - look at the flowers and listen to the birds.

With very best wishes

Aunty Margaret

loopy_lass

awwww.. just been reading through these posts.... hope your feeling better, i, like many others have been thro the same thing on more than one occassion. I think at 40 and never been married this is as good as it gets. but then i read the comforting words you guys have written and now im not so sure...

maybe one day i will trust someone again ;-)

remember you are having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation

take care xxxxx

daveboy

I've read the opening post, please forgive me everyone else who has replied but there are far too many to read.

In October last year, I lost the person I'd been with since 2000. Since then I've been living alone, I spent Christmas on my own, just treated it as a normal day. On New Years Eve I went to bed at 10pm as celebrating didn't interest me.

My family live 35 miles away and I work overnights so I am well and truly on my own. The only people I see are people I work with.

But I've managed to keep going. In January I had a very low point, but didn't dream of saying anything to anyone. I'm 24 and male and felt at that time that going to a doctor would mean everyone having a good laugh at me.

Speaking to someone, a counsellor, is a good idea. The person I was with has lost her grandfather and her mums aunt since we split up. She's also been unemployed because of me, she wanted to move and the job she was going to fell through.

I've managed to battle past it all, been living alone for about 6 months - I even had to travel the 35 miles to get someone in my family to sign the witness part of my postal vote for this weeks elections because there's no-one here.

Whatever you do, don't keep it in. Talk to people.

Once again I apologise if others have said something similar but the thread is extremely long to read.

System

Back in the early 80s, my marriage broke down. After the death of a child, and 'differences' appeared which we had never noticed before. The reasons we got married in the first place were just not good enough anymore and we had limped along for far too long.

So i found myself with 2 babies to look after, a 2 year old and a 12 month old with no input or help from my husband. I missed him like anything for the first 6 months. I think if he had asked to come back at any time during that first 6 months i would have had him back like a shot - but he didnt. I too, cried myself to sleep - thats when the exhaustion of looking after the two little ones didnt get to me first. Then the one day i noticed, i had lost some weight (not suprising as i had got out of the habit of eating), so i bought myself a new dress. When i bought the new dress i noticed i had a little more money than i had when we were together (he had expensive motors to run which kept us skint), so i made an appointment at the hairdressers. By this time 'our' friends had dumped me as a friend. The women thought i would be desperate for a man. Also my recent change in hair and clothes worried them. I knew i had to look for friends of my own which was hard when i had two tots.

I decided to ditch the name i hated so much. At this point, everybody knew me as Judith (god i hate that name), decided when i made new friends i would now be known as Judi.

I found the socializing a bit hard - but i found a way round it. In the 'old' days the old cb radio started to be popular and i went on a number of 'eyeballs'.

Then one day i started talking to this chap who said he lived in my area and who told me he was coming to visit me. He told me his first name, which happened to remind me of a kid i used to knock around with when he was 10 and i was a year older. He used to try and get me to push him on his go cart. I remember wondering if it was him and there was only so many times i could put this chap off but I never mentioned it to him and certainly didnt tell him where i lived, i just kept putting him off until one day i had a knock on my door. It was this chap and an old school friends brother. He had hunted me down through this friends brother and ever since that first meeting he never let me go and it was this chap i used to knock about with all those years ago - he guessed it was me just as i had wondered if it was him.

Ok i am waffling a bit, but what i am trying to say is, life is not lost, you will move on. Your ex may not look like an ugly toad at the moment, but in a year or two you will realize you have to kiss an awful lot of ugly toads to find your Prince.

SnowyOwl_2

PinkLipstickBabe, I just want to say that I am feeling uplifted on your behalf through all the messages on this thread. It is really very heartwarming, and -forgive me if I am wrong - but I get the feeling that while dark moments still visit you, glimmers of happiness are appearing on your horizons too all because of the amazing words on here. I've experienced the power of this forum during dark days too - it really is incredible, isn't it!

It's always good to have something special to look forward to so have a lovely "me" day in Yorkshire.

All the best.

Snowy Owl.

margaretclare

Hi PLB

I meant to reply to your post earlier when you mentioned Ilkley, but we went out in the garden. I know Ilkley fairly well. The famous 'Ilkla Moor'! It's a hilly town, all solidly-built houses in grey millstone-grit, the stone of the area. If you can, try to get to Betty's Tea Rooms and have a proper Yorkshire tea. http://www.bettysandtaylors.co.uk/bt/grand.html

Get down by the river and watch the rushing Wharfe, the noisy water, the sense of timelessness, the dippers hopping about on the stones under the bridge....

One time we went, to visit an old friend who lives there (she was an ATS sergeant-major in WWII and now goes to the office daily to 'organise the old people', most of whom are younger than she is!!) That time the cloud-base was on the floor so we couldn't see the fantastic view. The next time we went, we couldn't go on the Moor because of restrictions due to foot-and-mouth.

Best wishes

Aunty Margaret

frizz_head

Hi PLB,

Whilst I cannot possibly imagine what you are going through, can I just say how I really feel for you, and how fantastic the support of so many others on this thread has been. So many people sharing such heart-renching stories, others with really sound advice. I really hope that you find that light at the end of the tunnel.

Take care
Frizz

pandas66

I must add my heart felt sympathy/empathy to you PLB. But to your inmense credit you posted your pain on here and are absorbing the TLC given in huge amounts. Its a great idea to have unconditional love from here. Who says theres no community spirit anymore, theres plenty here. Your posts/replies have cheered me too. I wish you the best this week, a day out (is it a coach trip with bawdy songs!) Enjoy xx

jellyhead

this is quite a frivolous post compared to the others, but i just wanted to say that somebody sent me the 'alien song' version of 'i will survive' after a break-up and it really made me laugh. mind you, i'm very shallow - i always laugh at 'evil penguin' 1 and 2 too :rotfl: laughing is good for you though, so give alien song a try.

i lost loads of weight after my last break-up, i just wasn't eating, but after a while it came back and i started looking healthy again. remember your vitamins if you're not eating, or try horlicks, it always brings my appetite back, i have no idea why. enjoy yorkshire, and your cats :-)