How do I live without him?

bethscott1970

I've been quietly sitting here with alarm bells ringing for a while but I think I ought to say something.

My first husband was EXACTLY like your ex, I had to stop getting milk delivered because he didn't like me speaking to the milk man, friends dropped by the wayside because he didn't like them and my family weren't welcome at the house as he felt they were interfering in our lives. I accepted it because the good times were worth the sulking and strops and if he didn't love me why would he care so much? We ended up having 3 children together and being married 10 years but the whole time I was becoming more of a non-person every year. Gradually I stopped speaking or looking at anyone, the only conversation I had was with my very young children but by then his controlling nature had spread to them and they weren't allowed to make any noise to disturb him (I still feel guilty because I don't remember them ever laughing or playing while we were there). He even doubted they were his children. Thanks to the internet I discovered chat rooms and whilst he was sleeping (by then he had a serious drink problem) I started to speak to other people and, for want of a better phrase, woke up and realised that he was running my life 100%. I didn't eat, drink or sleep unless he told me to and I couldn't make even a simple decision on my own. A few days later I stood up and went to make myself a drink (without his say so) and he went ballistic with me, I ended up in A&E with stab wounds on my hands and arms and various broken ribs.

That was the final straw, it wasn't the first time he had hit me (that didn't start til about 5 years in) but I suddenly realised that I was a slave, he owned me and had beaten me down to believing that his obsessions were a way of showing love. Well to cut an even longer story short an angel I had made on the net drove 350 miles to pick up me and the children and took us far from his reach. He died 3 months after we left so he even managed to make me feel guilty at escaping. But I've since married that angel and my children and I now have a life I didn't dream was possible. My kids still have problems but they're getting there and I'm still finding it hard to get out and meet people but time will help that.

Cullumpster

Beth i was shocked reading that but then had a big smile for you at the end of the story when you mentioned your angel.
((hugs))) for you too.

needmoney

Good for you Beth. I'm into piccies today hope I don't get into trouble for taking too much room

ocemeer

Pink

this thread has made me cry and smile as things have got better for you and how your life is constantly changing and i hope it keeps on going. Mainly this post is to say thankyou to you and to all the posters I know it has helped me and doubtlessly helped other people too.
The hardest thing is making the break complete but agree with elona, making sure everything is changed makes you feel that little bit safer stronger and more independant. I sold my house moved to a different area, but my job makes me traceable quite easily and mine found me and for a time made my life and my now husbands life hell.
It did get all sorted in the end but caused so much hurt on all sides that if I had handled it with a little bit more grace and consideration, both parties would not have had to go through so much. Yes i feel guilty that he went through so much yet even so that did not give him the right to emotionally lash out and these posts have made me feel less guilty and given me a little more self belief back.
I hope you manage to keep visiting your tea shops and find the elusive six pack.

pandas66

Beth,
I truley wish you a world of happiness. I'm so glad you got touched by an Angel.:A

davidcampbell

Hi rebecca

great to hear that you are doing better :j

busy day with all your cleaning .... well done!! clearing away the cobwebs eh?!!

keep that smile on your face

take care
David
-x-x-

jen_jen_2

:j

keep at it babe!

Juicy_Tube

PinkLipstickBabe wrote:

Hi Everyone,

Hope you have all had another good day! It's been 'piping' hot here on the North West Coast of England today. I can't believe this heat!The thermometer was touching 80 Degrees in my kitchen this afternoon and boy was it hot!

I have had a reasonably good day today. It started off with me getting up when the alarm went off, for a change, and I feel better now my life is starting to get some routine. I was in bed for 12:30pm last night and I slept! Don't remember waking up at all, so it must have been a peaceful sleep with non of the nightmares I have been used to having occuring. I got up at 8am and decided that today I was going to do something major. I was going to take down the curtains in the living room, clean the windows/frames etc. and put up new blue curtains. Well, what a job that ended up being. Took me 4 1/2 hours! (OMG! :eek: ) and that was working full on. Why so long you ask yourself, simple really, the old curtains had a valance above them and I had to take down the valance track, re-position the curtain track, clean the said curtain track and then scrub the window ledge, clean windows, etc... all before I had to hang new curtains. Even had to bleach the old curtain hooks as they were so minging. My window looks fab now with the new curtains up, the windows are sparkling, the window ledge is gleaming and I am knackered! I feel a sense of achievement though. Didn't realise it would take so long when I started it, but as I am a person who always does everything to the best of my ability, I wanted it pristine. I achieved my aim .

I currently have a loaf baking in the breadmaker and I've finally sat down. I didn't go to the gym today as I need to rest my muscles after such a strenuous work-out yesterday. I haven't thought much about 'him' today, apart from when I was catching up on the latest posts earlier. Tell a lie, maybe I have thought about him a little but not in a heart-wrenching kind of way. More of a sadness of what was lost, what is not to be etc...

I am missing Scotland greatly at the moment, every time I see the sun I think of the magical place I love so much. What I wouldn't give to be climbing the mountains of Skye or just taking a gentle walk through the heather. I know a great little coffee shop in Ullapool where this super-duper friendly Australian lady feeds you a MASSIVE portion of home made-apple pie complete with a huge dollop of thick cream. We used to drive up there from Inverness regularly and would eat our fill in there before wandering around Ullapool. She used to say to me 'How can a wee lassie like you eat all that pie & cream'? and he used to make some crude reply about the amount of 'exercise' he gave me, :rolleyes: fun times they were. I miss them so much. She moved to the Highlands all the way from Australia, so you can see why I love it there so much. I envy all you people who are there right now, wish I was .

I don't have much planned for this evening, maybe play on here a little, make some dinner, watch some TV. That's another thing I miss, getting my feet rubbed whilst watching telly LOL I'm trying to remember just a few good things about my time with 'him' and trying to not dwell on the bad stuff. Whilst I have been doing that over the past few days I have found it depresses me. I don't want to feel depressed, I want to continue on my path of finding new things to smile about each day. The loneliness still drives me nuts! but yes, it's great in other ways. I'm discovering new ways to have fun as each day passes. I have a booking at the salon for my leg waxing next Monday and a facial booked for the Friday, so by the end of next week I will be fuzz free and hopefully, looking bright-eyed and bushy tailed :cool:. I am feeling healthier anyway, so the gym visits, eating better and my mood lifting is starting to work. I guess it's impossible to be a miserable git forever. My nickname used to be 'smiler' as I was always smiling. That's fell by the wayside lately, but I'm working on getting back that smile on a more permanent basis.

I worry what's gonna happen when his money tries to get transferred into my bank a/c and it's not possible as the a/c numbers been changed. Hope he doesn't go ballistic! He probably will - glad I'm 400 miles away he! he!
One perk to me being in England, him in Scotland.

I have a few PM's to answer, so I better go do that before the people who have kindly sent me messages think I am ignoring them.

Thanks once more to you all for being there for me, couldn't do it without ya'll.

Take care xx

Hi Becs,

You are gonna be one glamour puss with all this pampering:D

So pleased you had a good day. Sounds like those windows are gleaming now!! Wanna come and do mine? Do hope you used vinegar my girl..;)

Mail when you can..

JT xxxxxx

Caz2_2

well done bethscott1970 i hope your life turns out great and ocemeer well done to you to.
Rebecca I really feel that you will be ok, by the time he does contact you and i think he will you might just be strong enough to shut the door in his face. My blood boiled when i read his comments on the exercise he gave you. Humiliation, belittling and brain washing in a relationship is soul destroying.
Keep breathing and take it day by day.

margaretclare

bethscott1970 wrote:

That was the final straw, it wasn't the first time he had hit me (that didn't start til about 5 years in) but I suddenly realised that I was a slave, he owned me and had beaten me down to believing that his obsessions were a way of showing love. Well to cut an even longer story short an angel I had made on the net drove 350 miles to pick up me and the children and took us far from his reach. He died 3 months after we left so he even managed to make me feel guilty at escaping. But I've since married that angel and my children and I now have a life I didn't dream was possible. My kids still have problems but they're getting there and I'm still finding it hard to get out and meet people but time will help that.

Hi beth, and good luck to you

I think I was the 'angel on the net' for the man who is now my husband. He was being very badly-treated by second wifey - she turned frigid on him, wouldn't even hold his hand, was extravagant, was violent even and used to throw temper tantrums and hit him.

I picked up a message from him on a site I didn't normally visit - it was headed 'Older Guy'. He was the same age as me, 62, I was a lonely widow. We emailed back and forth, then he phoned me and that was when I fell in love with him because his first words were 'How was your day?' Life was very hard for me just then, I was struggling to survive after being widowed and redundant at the same time, I'd had 5 years of just trying to keep the roof over my head. Few people ever gave a good goddamn what sort of a day I'd had, and to hear this gentle male voice asking 'how was your day?' just blew me away.

We arranged to meet, I booked 24 hours in a Travelodge on the M1, we stayed together overnight. Then he came down to see me one day when wifey was off on a coach trip with her mates. 3 weeks after we first met he left and came here - turned up on my doorstep like a refugee, with all the worldly goods he could carry packed into his old rusty car. Mostly just his clothes in bin-bags, his tool-kit, his computer, desk and chair in bits on the roof-rack. He stood on the doorstep in the rain saying he had no job, no home, no money, no prospects, debts from the marriage, health problems....all I could say was 'oh come in, you silly beggar, don't let the cold air in and the warmth out!!' And the rest, as they say, is history. That was 5th November 1997, he was divorced in June 1999, we were married on 14th January 2002, and we're still just as happy.

Best wishes to all

Aunty Margaret