How do I live without him?

jazzyjustlaw

PinkLipstickBabe wrote:

That's a hard one to answer.... He hurt me is the easiest explanation and he wasn't sorry nor did he resolve the issues.....

Plus, he gave me an ultimatum...my cats or him. I have cats whom I adore, promised to look after for the rest of their life etc. and I have had them so many years. I adore my little 'family' and I had them before I met him. He knew I had them when we met, pretended to like cats and only when I moved in did he tell my that if my cats came, then I couldn't. He was trying to make me give them up, constantly telling me to 'dump' them in a cat home etc. I would cry and beg him to let me keep my babies, but he didn't care. Said I didn't love him or I would, Quote: 'Get Rid'

Well, I can't get rid of them. They have been my 'family' for so long and they love me and I love them. He was jealous of anything that took my attention away from him. Wasn't allowed friends, wasn't allowed to work and he 'escorted' me everywhere I went. Wasn't even allowed to go to the gym as there were 'men' there etc. I couldn't even pop to the local shops without him coming with me. He would sit on toilet seat in bathroom whilst I put my make-up on in a morning. When i say I didn't have a minute to myself in any 24 hour period I am telling you the whole truth! It drove me nuts most of the time but I ended up getting used to it. But I couldn't give up my cats, not for any man. Surely someone out there understands that?

He wanted rid of anything that reminded either him or me of my past life (ie: before I met him) and controlled me with emotional blackmail all the time. He would make me cry and not give a damn. I used to hate him sometimes yet when I am away from him, I miss him. I don't understand it at all

Please don't take this the wrong way but I think he made you rely on him 100% he was controlling you. So much so you are so lost without him.

Believe me it is not healthy being withsome 24/7. Why was he so concerned with your past. You are you cats, past and all. You will meet a wonderful person just like I did and then you can really be free and yourself at the same time.

loopy_lass

i wonder if you missed him like a child misses its mom or like a friend of mine said they missed the army when they left, the instructions and commands have gone... you have to think for yourself, and sometimes when your not use to it, it feels odd... . Its a way of life to you and you rely on it as its "normal" to you. So when its not there it feels unnatural, when you readjust to reality and normality i hope you will feel better.

you are having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.... just thinking out loud i guess...

loops

margaretclare

purplepatch wrote:

When my relationship broke down, I always found the weekends the hardest. Felt like I was the only person on my own. As someone else said, there are loads of people in the same boat. Try to keep yourself busy. I actually used to look forward to going back to work on a Monday morning!!

In the end, I joined a local amateur dramatics group, which really helped me through the worst of it. Didn't get much chance to feel low what with all the rehearsals. Plus it introduced me to a load of new people, most of whom were single and we used to socialise a lot. Not sure if that sort of thing would be your bag, but it's worth considering taking up a new hobby of some type that will get you out and meeting new people. I'm not sure what age you are, but I found that most of my friends were married and having babies, so it was helpful to find a new social circle where most people were single and not tied to their weekend homelife commitments.

Yes, I found when my first husband died, the weekends were the worst, also Bank Holidays. He died on a Shrove Tuesday, the funeral was the following week, my younger daughter stayed with me for 2 weeks, so the next Bank Holiday to come up was the Easter weekend. And I found it very, very hard indeed. Everyone around me was either doing things in the garden together, going out together, having family round together...the whole world seemed to be made up of couples and their families.

When my son-in-law was widow(er)ed, he rejoined a walking group he'd belonged to before.

There are stacks of things out there to get involved with, and as purplepatch says, you'll meet an entirely different group of people.

We got involved with the local AnimalAid, just because I bought some cosmetics and toiletries from them. They're also linked to Cats' Protection, and there seems to be a lot going on. We went to a fund-raising vegan dinner before last Christmas and they seemed to be a very welcoming and friendly bunch. There is no shortage of things to involve yourself in!

How's the possible move to Scotland going?

Aunty Margaret

elona

PLB

When you say that you feel lost without him we all thought that was because he was great and you miss him not that he controlled you 24 hours a day.

Even in a hostage situation this would be extreme!

Have you heard of something called the Stockholm Syndrome?

It is what happens when perfectly normal people are held hostage for a few days - you had this for years with emotional blackmail as well .

No wonder you feel disorientated - please see it as a perfectly normal reaction to the abnormal situation he put you in - not a real longing for the actual man.

He seems to have treated you as if you were a doll rather than a person and you deserve better than that.

Things can only get better now that you have the time to find yourself again.:A

MrsMW

I feel so angry on your behalf, how could he treat you like that when you are obviously worthy of someone so much better? As my mother used to tell me, "You're too good for him". I'm glad that you seem to be feeling better, you will have bad days but just go with the flow and try not to be hard on yourself. I agree with the others about the weekends being worse, but try to enjoy being in control of yourself, most of the "happy" couples that you see around are usually having minor disageements or arguing about the children.
I remember when I was alone I once went to the coast for the day and I felt terrible until I sat on a bench and really looked at people as they passed, most of them seemed to arguing.
Have you got a garden? Sometimes just pottering about outside encourages people to talk to you and gardeners are great for chatting and love swopping plants and cuttings.
Sorry if I'm rambling just jotting down some thoughts. Oh! I just remembered you said you were born in Leeds, have you thought about having a day there? The shops are fab.
Take care. xx

jen_jen_2

Elona - the Stockhold Syndrome, have you just read Monday Mourning by Katy Reichs?

Its a murder/suspense book and in it they investigate the stockholm syndrome, i was reading it last night thinking of PLB's ex and how he fitted some of the stages!! (great minds eh?)

eg: removal of privacy - being in bathroom when doing makeup
constant attention - 24/7

its in top 20 books at moment so should be able to get it for under £4

Cullumpster

Hi PLB,
Hope you didn't mind me PMing you yesterday?

How are you feeling today, hope you are ok
Let us know
Lots of hugs

purplepatch

margaretclare wrote:

There are stacks of things out there to get involved with, and as purplepatch says, you'll meet an entirely different group of people.

Absolutely, and that is when you begin to feel like you've moved on because you've got new people in your life who never knew you when you were with him, and they see you as You and not his partner, and they like you for being You.

Really does wonders for the healing process and as Aunty Margaret says, it is a way of getting through the lonely weekends - and Bank Holidays, I had forgotten them. You've got one coming up in a couple of weeks time - might be an idea to try to get something planned?

Caz2_2

Hi PLB
sometimes when women are in abusive relationships and are controlled to the extent you were they become addicted to the choas within that relationship.
This can be a very hard cycle to get out of and so some women will move on to a new relationship with the same amount of choas in it, it becomes a vicious cycle. Its like the quiteness, silence and peace is very painful to bear, in fact some women go on to new relationships that are peaceful and create chaos because it is familiar, like familiar is better and less scary because at least they know how to deal with it. They have built up coping strategies to deal with pain, hurt and in deed in some ways its proof to them that they are cared about and loved, this is obviously due to very low self esteem and unhealthy. In a peaceful relationship some women will push partners to see how far they will go, causing choas because they can gain some sort of control, its like they think sub consciously "well something is going to go wrong soon, its too peaceful to cope with" so creating choas means they are in some way in control especially if they were in a violent relationship previously.
For what it is worth I really think you are coping brilliantly I have been reading this thread and to say how much you were controlled you have dealt with the peace and aloneness so well, days out, going to the gym etc and your art work is fantastic.
Just a small word of warning though, can YOU take control of YOU now, what I mean is can you totally erase him from your life, can you make sure that he can't contact you at all bacause it does sound like if he feels like it he can contact you on his terms and when he feels like it, like he has some control still. He is dictating how, when and if to text you.
Sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to be ok with being on ya own and maybe this is exactly what you need, you need to know who you are again with out a partner, build yourself back up and realise your strengths and your weaknesses before you meet mr right, i have no doubts at all that you will. You sound like a lovely lass and this breakup might have been a blessing in disguise
caroline

Caz2_2

Hi again PLb
Just a dew things to remember :- this is your thread not yours and his, you have developed alot of relationships on here and a lot of people care how you are coping, although none of us know you personally we all like you, that is, you are enough on your own.
It might be good for you to think of the parts of you that you lost when you were in your previous abusive relationship.
And remember feelings don't kill you unless you act on them, they come and go they are only feelings and you may feel on some days that you will cry forever but its inpossible.
Just after thoughts whilst i was sat enjoying the peace in my green house watching my seedlings poke their heads through the compost, they reminded me of you, that is, new life coming out of darkness into the light.
caroline