How do I live without him?

needmoney

PinkLipstickBabe wrote:

Hi Hon,
broken hearts don't mend easy

They do they do they do!

Think bad points and magnify them get mad choose to think differently
Today is the first day of my life :mad:

Think happy thoughts

Don't waste thinking time on people who drag you down etc etc etc

trafalgar_2

I haven't read the whole thread (ain't got time) but I'm curious,if you left him why are you so upset


just curious,don't anybody jump on me;)

trafalgar_2

Now I understand and what you need to do is keep reading that last post over and over and your gonna feel a whole lot better a whole lot quicker.


Don't think about the good stuff you miss (we have a knack of making the good sound fantastic and the bad not so bad when we're upset or lonely)............................keep thinking about all the bad stuff about him,the manipulating ,emotional blackmailing ,and making you cry all the time.

It was abuse and it has been said that abused partners miss their abusers........but only cause that's what they got used to and the abuser becomes part of them...........that's why some keep going back

He is a controlling abusive person................your well rid,just remember that .

I wish you a much happier life now your away from him and I'm sure you'll have one:D

Spendless

PinkLipstickBabe wrote:

That's a hard one to answer.... He hurt me is the easiest explanation and he wasn't sorry nor did he resolve the issues.....

Plus, he gave me an ultimatum...my cats or him. I have cats whom I adore, promised to look after for the rest of their life etc. and I have had them so many years. I adore my little 'family' and I had them before I met him. He knew I had them when we met, pretended to like cats and only when I moved in did he tell my that if my cats came, then I couldn't. He was trying to make me give them up, constantly telling me to 'dump' them in a cat home etc. I would cry and beg him to let me keep my babies, but he didn't care. Said I didn't love him or I would, Quote: 'Get Rid'

Well, I can't get rid of them. They have been my 'family' for so long and they love me and I love them. He was jealous of anything that took my attention away from him. Wasn't allowed friends, wasn't allowed to work and he 'escorted' me everywhere I went. Wasn't even allowed to go to the gym as there were 'men' there etc. I couldn't even pop to the local shops without him coming with me. He would sit on toilet seat in bathroom whilst I put my make-up on in a morning. When i say I didn't have a minute to myself in any 24 hour period I am telling you the whole truth! It drove me nuts most of the time but I ended up getting used to it. But I couldn't give up my cats, not for any man. Surely someone out there understands that?

He wanted rid of anything that reminded either him or me of my past life (ie: before I met him) and controlled me with emotional blackmail all the time. He would make me cry and not give a damn. I used to hate him sometimes yet when I am away from him, I miss him. I don't understand it at all

Hi PLB
I have posted previously about my lying ex who was married with an additional child he'd not mentioned.

I said I went on to meet Mr Spendless, at the time we lived in our own properties in different counties. I had 2 cats as I was single, working ful-time and they were my company. We couldn't sell my place as I was in neg equity and his place didn't allow pets! His boss refused to let him transfer to be near me.

Only when I lost our first baby did Mr Spendless' boss relent and he sold his place, transferred his job and moved in with me.

When I think back these times were hard but not at any moment was it discussed me dumping the cats, we just had to work round it and eventually we did.

We now have 2 kids boy 5 and girl 2, the cats always disliked the kids, and last year one of the cats decided to go live with a lady across the back who has grown up children and grandkids older than mine! The older cat disappeared shortly before Xmas and sadly I've no idea what happened to her.She was 15 though and the other was 10 and that one we still see from time to time.

Cullumpster

Hi PLB,

I've got 2 cats as well and i couldn't get rid of them and to be honest it sounds like you're better off without him, if he was asking you to give up something you loved so much then he isn't / wasn't the guy for you.

Sorry if that sounded a bit harsh it wasn't meant to ((hugs))

I've had a bit of a rough trot too in the b/f department it's not nice, but you do get better and you will feel bad for a while but believe me you *will* get through iit.

I'll PM you.

Lots of love. :A

needmoney

PinkLipstickBabe wrote:

That's a hard one to answer.... He hurt me is the easiest explanation and he wasn't sorry nor did he resolve the issues.....


Well, I can't get rid of them. They have been my 'family' for so long and they love me and I love them. He was jealous of anything that took my attention away from him. Wasn't allowed friends, wasn't allowed to work and he 'escorted' me everywhere I went. Wasn't even allowed to go to the gym as there were 'men' there etc. I couldn't even pop to the local shops without him coming with me. He would sit on toilet seat in bathroom whilst I put my make-up on in a morning. When i say I didn't have a minute to myself in any 24 hour period I am telling you the whole truth! It drove me nuts most of the time but I ended up getting used to it. But I couldn't give up my cats, not for any man. Surely someone out there understands that?

He wanted rid of anything that reminded either him or me of my past life (ie: before I met him) and controlled me with emotional blackmail all the time. He would make me cry and not give a damn. I used to hate him sometimes yet when I am away from him, I miss him. I don't understand it at all

PLB now you are telling us more, not that we're nosey but that has to be good for you.
Read this again, why are we so stupid, if we had friend with a bloke like this we'd say DUMP HIM you've done that now don't look back the good times rarely outweigh the bad

Have a nice day.

Fran

I agree.... don't go back, go forwards. If you had posted this in the first place no-one would have had much sympathy for him (if they did anyway). Get rid of the money side of things or any other things that he can manipulate you again with (change your mobile number for example?). He was possessive and jealous and prevented you really being yourself. Wanting to live in Scotland again is another matter completely and shouldn't be confused with your ex relationship. Quite often those "exciting" people that you have "fun" with turn out to be the biggest b******s around and the far better option is someone more stable and less wild. Good luck, you can only go forward now.

Loadsabob

Hello PinkLipstickBabe,

It sounds as though you're doing really well, and coming on leaps and bounds from your first post.

It isn't easy, and I only know that it all works out in the end from having been through it, as so many of us have...I'll share my experience...

When I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 1/2 years, I was quite devastated. I had thought we'd marry, we had both always "known" we would. Well, he decided eventually that I had become more like a sister to him than a girlfriend, and that was that.

So - it was horrible for some time. But in fact, a relatively short amount of time...perhaps in about three months I started feeling very positive about my life, and very positive about being single and living only for me. Only then, from the outside, did I start to see what friends had seen all along, that I had been miserable for a lot of our time together, that I had not bothered with friends, that he has been incredibly clingy and insecure and that had taken ALL my attention for those years, and was the most argumentative, confrontational person I had ever met. I started to feel relieved, and in fact annoyed that I hadn't been the one to have the guts to end it.

In fact, he wasn't a bad person, he was a sweet, loving person, just insecure and hard work, and the relationship itself wasn't healthy.

Nine months after the breakup, I met my current partner, though I hadn't been looking, I was happy on my own at that point. He and I have been together for nearly six years, and I am tremendously contented. Our relationship is very equal, with no angst, no trauma, just enjoyment of being two happy people together.

With hindsight and the benefit of experience, I know that I would never again stay in a relationship in which I wasn't happy, calm and contented, because it's just not worth the hassle. (I'm know we can't avoid life's ups and downs, I'm talking about a generally healthy relationship). But I didn't know that until I had the comparison.

SO, I am sure it will become easier for you. After weeks of crying, tears starting on the bus for no reason, banging my fists on the floor at home, every song / film / EVERYTHING reminding me of him...one day, suddenly it started to feel "okay". I couldn't cry any more, it felt as though the sun had come out (as cliched as that sounds), and everything was suddenly alright. Not brilliant, just fine...and so it got better.

Take care!

pantsdr

Hi,

I don't know whether most of this has been said before, but I thought i'd offer some advice based on my own experience.

To cut a long story short I found out at Christmas my husband of 9 years was having an affair and well that was the end of that. I truly loved him and he has hurt me deeply, but he couldn't care less what I was going through. To this day he hasn't offered an apology or explanation, i'm not holding my breath....

My advice;

Grieving is a roller coaster of emotions, one day you feel like you can cope with anything life throws at you, and another you feel you have nothing left to live for. Its OK to cry, to be angry, to be hurt. The more we love, the more vulnerable we are, the more we hurt.

No contact with your ex will help you get through it more 'easily'. Don't get me wrong, even now I probably only get at most 5 hours of sleep a WEEK. But waiting for the phone to ring is not good for you, and you trying to phone him won't help you either. Any contact, whether positive or negative is still an association with him, he isn't seeing your pain, your misery and your only hurting youself by dwelling on things.

More often we miss being in a relationship rather than the actual person. We miss the security, the opportunity to share our day etc. Take a long hard look at your relationship, things probably weren't as rosy as they may appear now. I know that when i was with my husband, I became very passive, i was never like that with others. He was very controlling and critical, he didn't like the fact that i was more intellectual than him and he tried to make sure it stayed that way.
Look at what went wrong in your relationship and be careful not to make the same mistakes twice.

Dont jump straight into another relationship. Take time out for yourself, enjoy your own company. Do some of the things you never got a chance to do because you were in a relationship, after all, now when you go to the cinema you don't have to worry that the other person is enjoying the film as much as you are, you only have to think of yourself.

It may seem right now (I know it did me) that everybody around you is a couple. But more than a third of the population is single. You may/may not have chosen to be single, but you can choose to be happy. There are plenty of happy single people in the world.

margaretclare

Hi PLB

When I first replied to your posts I didn't ask what it was that had caused the 'end' of your relationship. It might have been a bereavement for all I knew. I just took it as an 'ending' and replied in that vein. Then you said you'd had a text from him, out of the blue. I've just read your post in which you describe what he was like - yes, fun to be with, but jealous, overbearing, controlling, refusing to allow you the smallest privacy or space to be yourself! And then there's the issue of the cats. Cats or no cats, I could not live with someone who wanted to take over my life, every minute of 24/7, who even chose my lipstick colour, wouldn't allow me to go anywhere there were 'men' (well, aren't there men everywhere, not only in a gym - at work, in the supermarket, in town, unless you want to live in purdah as they do in Saudi Arabia, then there will be 'men'!)

I couldn't live like that. I think If I were you I'd close that bank account that he pays into and open another one, I'd change phone number and mobile number, that way he can no longer send money, send you texts etc. He may think he's got you on a long lead and he can still tweak it!

You have suffered agonies over the past few weeks, over someone who isn't worth it. Don't cry for him, don't grieve over him, get angry if you have to, but 'wash that man right outta your hair'!!!

Very best wishes

Aunty Margaret