How do I live without him?

Swattie

Hi PLB,

just been catching up with developments after a rather busy couple of weeks.

I'm so proud of you - you're doing so well - it's really heartening to hear about your coach trip, gym visits and especailly your cats.

Can we see a picture about these famous cats - if it wasn't for them you may not have realised how controlling he is.

Any more developments on the 'house in Scotland' front.

Swattie

margaretclare

elona wrote:

When you say that you feel lost without him we all thought that was because he was great and you miss him not that he controlled you 24 hours a day.

Even in a hostage situation this would be extreme!

Have you heard of something called the Stockholm Syndrome?

It is what happens when perfectly normal people are held hostage for a few days - you had this for years with emotional blackmail as well.

As a graduate in Behavioural Sciences (2:1, 1981) I should have heard of this syndrome, but I hadn't. I've just been reading about it. There's a lot to be found after putting the words into Google.

Fascinating, absolutely fascinating, and I agree this 'controlling' behaviour sounds just like it.

I have a friend who lived for a short while, sharing a house with a guy who exhibited this kind of controlling behaviour. We met him, thought he was a really nice man which he was with anyone else or in a social situation, but he nearly drove her round the bend. He would throw a temper tantrum every time her kids phoned, criticised her driving, all kinds of things. Luckily she didn't tolerate it for very long - as it was her house, she gave him the boot.

Being jealous and wanting rid of things/people that are most important to you is a key i.e the cats. And also, allowing you no privacy even for the things we women like to do in private i.e. doing your make-up, sitting in the bathroom with you!!!

There's also another book I saw recommended: 'Loving to Survive' by Dee Graham.

Leave him no way of 'pulling your strings' - you were going to change your bank details, your phone number, and if you move house, that will be the best possible option.

With very best wishes

Aunty Margaret

pandas66

I'm really pleased to read of your 'good feelings' Pink, it is very much like being asleep and knowing it. Then when you awake and can smile at whoever, for whatever, because you can ! Its bliss. Its grown-up. Its real. Keep the smiles on your face and you get them back from everyone, we all know a post with a smile to one without.

supermum1958

Hello Pink Lipstick Babe, glad you're feeling a bit better. Just found this thread. It seems to me that the best four years of your life might yet lie ahead! I should book yourself a nice holiday somewhere this summer. I've been through something like this, and I am really rooting for you. ATB.

margaretclare

Hi Babe

No, I'm sure most people don't think you're weak at all. But the more I read of what your past relationship was like, the more convinced I am that you're well shut of this guy. Sulking for hours just because you smiled at someone who served you in a shop! What are you supposed to do if someone serves you pleasantly and efficiently - give him a glare and a filthy look? Too many people do that anyway! I can (almost) understand physical violence - I cannot understand, condone nor could I live with, this type of mind-games.

As my husband says his late grandmother used to say (she escaped Ukraine at the time of the Russian Revolution) - you wipe your mouth, you move on and you don't look back! Wise old Bubba!

Best wishes

Aunty Margaret

elona

Babe

Please believe me when I say that no-one thinks that you are a fool - just that you loved someone very much and tried very hard to make them happy.

The situation does not reflect badly on you in any way - you were amazing to have adapted to it and stood it for as long as you did.

I know you said you were going to change phone numbere etc etc. - but - is there any other way he can contact you?

Does he know your address and does he have keys ?

I would not put it past him to just turn up - so please protect yourself.

elona

Babe

I would not put it past him to have had your keys copied without your knowledge.

I know this is going to sound awful but please consider changing the locks to give yourself peace of mind.

Sorry to sound bossy and I do not want to worry you - but better safe than sorry.

needmoney

PLB just for you THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS

ditzymuppet

You are doing so well :j

You appear to be making progress from that initial first posting, and I'm so proud of you :rolleyes:

Remembering the bad bits of the relationships is hard (and in your case, particularly tough! Lots of good memories combined with a lot of bad ones ) but it is something that will have to be done....

Keep smiling! You are getting there kiddo!

~ditzy~ x

pro_bono

PLB
I'm very new to posting, but I have been following your thread for the past few days.
We males are not all the same, and as time goes by I hope that you can get back into the habit of smiling, I remember a saying that goes, 'The smile that you send out returns to you'