Please can someone give me some advice. Husband left.

libra10

Lostsoul there are some marvellous responses on this thread.

Are you taking in the responses? Stop feeling guilty about being overweight, it isn't relevant. If you had a figure like Kate Moss, you would still be to blame in the eyes of your OH. He needs a scapegoat, he's a bully and you're not fighting back.

He's a loser, and too cowardly to admit that his addiction is the cause of his problems, definitely not you!

Why are you letting him manipulate you and mess with your head? Why are you still funding his drug habit when the money could be spent on you and your children?

While he is living away is he paying maintenance to you, which is a legal requirement?

Be strong - only allow him contact with his children, not yourself, and stop feeding him!

Best wishes and good luck.

fannyadams

couldn't read and run.
observationss:
Not excusing his behaviour but I do know that the drugs are what are causing the mood swings. When he is off his t!ts on (probably coke) and nicey nicey and on the come-down he is the psycho !!!!!!-head from hull.
I know this through bitter personal experience.
stay strong
you're NOT a failure.
you CAN do this.
We are here
Please have a good think about cutting off the finance for his habit (maybe say you'll pay his Uni fees but he'll have to get a job if he wants to fund his habit?)

mouthscradle

I don't really know what to say to this thread. A lot of what I feel has already been said. But a couple of things jump out at me...

1) You do not need a flat for "space to study". Has he not heard of a library? All unis have them. They also have empty rooms that can be used for this purpose. It seems obvious to me that he was setting himself up with somewhere else to live, for good, and probably with another woman. I hope to God that you are not paying ANYTHING towards this flat...?

2) You do not need cannabis, or alcohol, to study. I have done 2 degrees and managed perfectly well without...

3) Why does he want you to lose weight for his graduation? A husband who gave two hoots about you and loved you would be proud to have you there sharing in that moment no matter if you were 2 stone or 200, especially given all the support you've given him to allow him to reach that point.

4) He is a selfish, self-obsessed bell end who doesn't care about you. He wants the end of your relationship but rather than admit that this is his choice and that he's wronged you, he is using this emotional abuse and mentioning your weight as a means of blaming you. If you feel that this is your fault, why does he need to feel guilt? He knows that by manipulating and guilt tripping you, he can walk away as though he's the victim, blame free. The man is a joke. I strongly suspect that he would never go to counselling and he is telling you not to speak to friends and family about it because he knows full well that any third party (professional help/friends/family) would say straight away that it's all his problem and not yours.

5) Your children deserve a better role model than him. They might not see through it now, but they will when they're older.

6) Are you financially dependent on him? Does he have any claim over your home? If not, change the locks NOW. From now on, you shouldn't be inviting him into your home. If he's picking the children up he can wait out on the pavement while you send them out. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MORE MONEY, FOR ANYTHING! Students get a loan to live off, which despite popular belief, is enough if they're careful. He's also more than capable of getting an evening job and seeing the children at weekends.

7) YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON WHO DESERVES BETTER THAN A COMPLETE AND UTTER WASTE OF OXYGEN LIKE HIM!

lostsoul75

The coke was a one off. It was either that or the drink - well so he says, as he has told me so many lies recently I just don't know what to believe and my head is spinning.

I just wish I wasn't so weak and could stand up to him. Right now I just want the man I fell in love with back, but I guess I just have to accept that he is gone forever. It's heartbreaking, especially as he is blaming me for absolutely everything. It's like a switch has gone off in his head and he has became a totally different person.

candygirl

He's blaming you cos he knows he is in the wrong!I know it sounds daft but do a pros n cons list, re his good n bad points.Sometimes seeing things on paper helps x:D

lillie_put

Tenyearstogo wrote: »

The bedrooms a mess, then tidy it. Your son will want his TKD kit. Why hasn't the mess been tidied?

You'll feel better for having a tidy home. You'll burn calories and take you mind off him trying to bring you down.

I agree the op has other things going on in her life
children to look after
nothing to stop her having quick tidy up tho
herself to look after get her head round everything


he seems to be total prat Nasty controlling knob head

but I do agree with Tenyearstogo
if the op did tidy the room or rooms whichever it is
if made it into a game for her kids to help
got her Home looking how she wants it to look
it will burn calories and burn some anger from how she has been treated
yes you have 4 kids to look after doesn't stop you having quick tidy up each day

Show him that you don't need him he is a waste of time
one day you will wake up an wonder what hell did you see in him
head up an smile
lillie_put

Tenyearstogo

paulineb wrote: »

Seriously, dont you think she has more on her mind than the state of the bedroom?

Really not the point I was making.

Sitting in a room that he had trashed only reinforces feelings of worthlessness in the OPs mind. By tidying it she is proving to herself that she is worth more than a scummy ex.

lillie_put

I meant to say I agree with Tenyearstogo
nothing stopping you having a tidy up
take care

notanewuser

You want advice, OP?

Cut whatever financial support you are giving him to zero.

Ban him from the house - file a police report/get an injunction if you need to.

lostsoul75

I do clean and tidy every day!!!! I struggle being in the bedroom for any length of time, and really tidying it has been at the bottom end of my priorities right now. I already have enough criticism going on in my life right now, without getting it on here!