Please can someone give me some advice. Husband left.

lostsoul75

The house is clear and not it chaos. It was only my bedroom!!!!! And I had put the sparring gear in the cupboard, and a large lampshade had fell on it - hence not being able to find it!

PeacefulWaters

lostsoul75 wrote: »

You are so right - as I am going through so many feelings right now.

That's normal. It's understandable. And it's very difficult.

I'm hurting like hell, which right now is turning to anger.

Good. It should hurt. And you should be able to progress through a series of emotions, one of which is anger. This is normal. You are normal!

Especially as it feels as though he has all the power and is manipulating our daughter.

She'll get fed up of his games sooner or later.

I also feel grief, and that right now is one of the hardest things.

Part of coming to terms with loss. Normal.

I can honestly say this is one of the darkest times in my life, and believe me I have been through all sorts in my time.

I can't think of much darker. Death of a parent is tough, but is likely to be something you experience, even if you can't predict the time. Death of a relationship that you've invested most of your adult life in, and has presumably given you the greatest joys, is very difficult to comprehend. While statistically there's a fair chance of failure, we don't expect it. The darkness will lift. You will come out of this a wiser person. New opportunities and experiences will present themselves. But for now it is very dark. It's normal for you to feel this.

But one of the great things about my marriage was that I felt content, safe and free from experiencing all that heartache again.

It doesn't sound like you're the major contributor to this. You're on the receiving end of selfishness. You can't control somebody else's selfishness.

On Tuesday, I really thought we were making progress. But by Thursday he was back to being very distant and down right horrid.

It's more than possible that he's making a decision in his own mind to put you first and end the inappropriate relationship. But then slips back into communication with the other person again. They're more exciting (and always will be, because they're not a wholesome relationship, no point trying to compete with excitement) so you become an irritant again.

It's not a game for you to play.

I am trying so hard to stay strong, but feel as though a month on - things are worse, rather than better.

Prepare to move on. My view is that you should move on. But even if you want to recover your relationship you need to be preparing for it's demise.

Stop making overtures towards him. Think about the home you want your kids to live in. The love and support you can give your kids. Friendships outside of your marriage etc and how it will all work without him. Manage the basics of child care with him. But withdraw from him emotionally. Don't do anything for him.

You've not created this situation. It's not your fault. Your emotions are very raw but they are normal. You are normal.

You'll find your way in time. Good luck.

lostsoul75

He is sitting on a First Class Honours just now, and seems obsessed with getting it. I really do not know how he will cope if he doesn't.

He has never been one to cope with pressure, and can't help but feel as though he is taking everything out on me. I guess it is my own fault for allowing him to do so.

I just don't understand how someone who I have spent almost a third of my life with, the father of my children, and who I thought was my best friend can treat me like this. The children are confused, and upset, and it is such a worrying and horrid time.

His family have totally frozen me out. They deem his cannabis use acceptable (his dad, and Grandfather were alcoholics too). Not one of them has bothered to contact me to ask how I am, which hurts, as I thought they were my family too.

CH27

Right! You have two choices.

You can choose to wallow & worry or you can choose to take control & be strong.

Get your bedroom sorted. You will feel better. Bag his stuff * stick it in the loft. Make a sanctuary for yourself.

Stop contacting him. Let him come to you.

Look into your finances & get the bank details sorted.

You are stronger than you think.

okborednow

((hugs)) lostsoul!

First of all i'm so sorry all this is happening to you. I know it must seem so confusing but some people are excellent at putting on a front even to their loved ones. When I was growing up 2 of my parents friends who had been married for 20+ years seemed to be an ideal couple and something I aspired to. She then found out that he was shagging not only their au pair but the au pair's sister too!

As unbelievably difficult as it is I think you need to stop doing the running and look after yourself and your kids. It will be awful at first but after a while you may well decide your life is a lot better without him, especially as you'll be able to spend his drug money on your family.

His family sound like barstewards but some people take the view "he's my boy i'll stand by him no matter what" and if he's asked them not to contact you they'll go along with it. What about your family though? Are they nearby and if not do you have any friends who can support you through all this? If you feel embarrassed telling them don't be...he's the complete !!!!!!

C xx

lostsoul75

The truth is I am embarrassed. I feel like such a fat and ugly failure. I'm not that close to my family, and they have enough problems to deal with - so don't want to burden them. To be honest I am pretty much shutting everyone out, not that I have a lot of people around.

rainbow_791

Unfortunately many people will be reading this and seeing parts of their past relationship in it.

Craftyscholar

Lostsoul, please try and make contact with Women's Aid or similar. You need someone to support you and help you to see that you are not the failure he is telling you you are.
I understand why you are annoyed about suggestions you should tidy your bedroom when you have so many other things to deal with, but I think what people were suggesting was that having the last thing you saw at night and the first thing you saw in the morning the room he trashed when he left was not helping you.

pebbles88

lostsoul75 wrote: »

He is sitting on a First Class Honours just now, and seems obsessed with getting it. I really do not know how he will cope if he doesn't.

not your problem anymore

He has never been one to cope with pressure, and can't help but feel as though he is taking everything out on me. I guess it is my own fault for allowing him to do so.

He's a man child, nothing can ever be his fault.... He thinks he is perfect, so someone must have done something to mess things up for him.... Because he never does anything wrong.... He's gone for the easiest target I'm sorry to say OP

I just don't understand how someone who I have spent almost a third of my life with, the father of my children, and who I thought was my best friend can treat me like this. The children are confused, and upset, and it is such a worrying and horrid time.

people can & do change, my ex did the same after the same amount of time together, I was blaming myself for so long..... But do you know what.... 2 yrs down the line, he's still making the same stupid mistakes, blaming others for it, & I'm so happy for it not to be my problem anymore you will feel the same at some point. I promise

His family have totally frozen me out. They deem his cannabis use acceptable (his dad, and Grandfather were alcoholics too). Not one of them has bothered to contact me to ask how I am, which hurts, as I thought they were my family too.

Regarding his family, they do that, they close ranks. But some of them will also not have a clue what to say, so say nothing as they know it will be awkward.

You can't control other peoples actions/re-actions or behaviour - so don't worry over them for now.


lostsoul: you must try take some power back for yourself, I know it all seems horrid at the moment, but you must protect your own interests, as many others have said, sort then money out, you need to provide for you & your children, not him anymore, he wants to be alone, so let him get on with it.

He wants out of the house, change the locks, keep all of you safe- if he gets in need of a fix, or goes on a bender- you don't know what he might do. Ultimately, you don t know much about him anymore - or what he may do. So pull your gorgeous little ones in for hugs, become a lioness, show him what you're made of if he dares try threaten you or the little ones anymore!

You can do this, just do little steps at a time, & try keep your mind occupied.

You've had some amazing advice on this thread, you will look back in a while & feel nothing but pity for him & relief that he isn't your problem anymore.

okborednow

lostsoul75 wrote: »

The truth is I am embarrassed. I feel like such a fat and ugly failure. I'm not that close to my family, and they have enough problems to deal with - so don't want to burden them. To be honest I am pretty much shutting everyone out, not that I have a lot of people around.

That's him talking lost soul! You managed to raise your kids and keep your family together despite him spending £100 a week on cannabis! You walked your children to school even though it's a 6 mile walk which a lot of people who aren't overweight would struggle to do. You lost 3 stone at one of the most difficult times of your life. if that's a failure can i be one too?

I think you should tell your family but if you really don't want to then keep talking here. We're all here for you

C x