Please can someone give me some advice. Husband left.

Tenyearstogo

lostsoul75 wrote: »

I do clean and tidy every day!!!! I struggle being in the bedroom for any length of time, and really tidying it has been at the bottom end of my priorities right now. I already have enough criticism going on in my life right now, without getting it on here!

That's exactly my point, I'm not criticising.

If your bedroom was tidy and not looking like he'd trashed it, you would feel better. Going into the room while it's a mess is a negative cycle. You need to get out of that mindset because it's so corrosive.

bunty109

I think that whilst you give him money for cannabis, you run the risk of making his behaviour towards you even worse. This COULD be the cannabis affecting him (certainly asking it all worse), although he sounds like a prize idiot. PLEASE stop funding him and take care x

spender

OP you are suffering domestic abuse, cut and run, no matter how bad you feel now unless you act to protect yourself and your children you will feel 10 times worse in the future. Lead the life you want and once you have taken control you will find your self respect returning.

Don't let the b*****d grind you down. You may think you love him and can not live without him but you already are in a sense.

The best thing about this forum is that there are always people on it, so when you are feeling wretched late at night come on here!

ecgirl07

you've lost 3 stone when you should have lost 12 stone - or whatever weight this waste of space of a man weighs

to recap

he was an alcoholic and abusive towards you

he spends £100 a week on cannabis

he makes you sell the family car to pay HIS uni fees WHILE spending £5000 a year on drugs

take charge of this situation you way better than what he is giving you, what he has given you and what he will give you.

kazwookie

OP

You pay out £100 for his habit, STOP that right now.
Change the passwords on all bank accounts etc
Who pays the rent on his flat? if it is you, STOP that as well
Freeze all joint bank accounts, open an account in YOU name only, and DON'T tell him about it.

I would DUMP him NOW.

Good luck

paulineb_2

Tenyearstogo wrote: »

Really not the point I was making.

Sitting in a room that he had trashed only reinforces feelings of worthlessness in the OPs mind. By tidying it she is proving to herself that she is worth more than a scummy ex.

Maybe when people are going through the mill they have more immediate things to cope with than tidying up.

The OP said herself, he made a lot of the mess when he moved out.

paulineb_2

lostsoul75 wrote: »

The coke was a one off. It was either that or the drink - well so he says, as he has told me so many lies recently I just don't know what to believe and my head is spinning.

I just wish I wasn't so weak and could stand up to him. Right now I just want the man I fell in love with back, but I guess I just have to accept that he is gone forever. It's heartbreaking, especially as he is blaming me for absolutely everything. It's like a switch has gone off in his head and he has became a totally different person.

Or hes showing the person he was always capable of being and just kept well hidden.

paulineb_2

Tenyearstogo wrote: »

You can either be reactive or proactive. Happy people are proactive. They decide what they want in life and set out to achieve it.

You can either be a single mum who is reactive to the moods and actions of your husband who comes and goes as he pleases or a single mum who is proactive in maintaining a happy home for her children and just happens to have a useless ex husband.

Your choice.

I think when people are going through emotional abuse, they might go through many stages before they get to proactive and happy.

Being on the other end of abuse like this can be incredibly damaging, it doesnt mean that the person isnt capable of being happy, but when you are ground down by abuse, because this is abuse, hes abusing her, its not just moods, it can take time to see the wood for the trees.

And she may need professional help and support to come out the other end of this.

Also, you dont just wipe out all those years of history and boot someone to the kerb, she might go through a grieving stage, if she is miserable for a while, so be it, its better to work through how shes really feeling whether that is hurt, angry, sad, let down and come out the other end feeling ok than worry about being happy and proactive right now

I agree hes a useless waste of space by the sounds of it, I dont think he'll change and booting him to the kerb would probably be the best thing for her in the long run. Happiness might be some way off.

But thats ok. Even going through some low times without him will be 100 times better than going through the low times with him.

lostsoul75

You are so right - as I am going through so many feelings right now. I'm hurting like hell, which right now is turning to anger. Especially as it feels as though he has all the power and is manipulating our daughter. I also feel grief, and that right now is one of the hardest things.

I can honestly say this is one of the darkest times in my life, and believe me I have been through all sorts in my time. But one of the great things about my marriage was that I felt content, safe and free from experiencing all that heartache again.

On Tuesday, I really thought we were making progress. But by Thursday he was back to being very distant and down right horrid. I am trying so hard to stay strong, but feel as though a month on - things are worse, rather than better.

paulineb_2

lostsoul75 wrote: »

You are so right - as I am going through so many feelings right now. I'm hurting like hell, which right now is turning to anger. Especially as it feels as though he has all the power and is manipulating our daughter. I also feel grief, and that right now is one of the hardest things.

I can honestly say this is one of the darkest times in my life, and believe me I have been through all sorts in my time. But one of the great things about my marriage was that I felt content, safe and free from experiencing all that heartache again.

On Tuesday, I really thought we were making progress. But by Thursday he was back to being very distant and down right horrid. I am trying so hard to stay strong, but feel as though a month on - things are worse, rather than better.

He doesn't have all the power, you have power to make as many decisions as you need to about your future. Hes manipulating you by saying, if you do this I might come back to you.

People like that enjoy causing other people pain. Sorry if that sounds harsh but if you arent like that yourself you might sit and wonder whats it all about.

He is deliberately trying to upset you. He knows you are sensitive about your weight so hes saying, if you slim down things might be better, I can absolutely guarantee you, as someone else said, you lose the weight, he will pick on someone else.

It took me a long time to get it through my head that not only did the people who abused me have a very low image of themselves, but that they were wrong. Its one opinion, it might not even be what they really think of you. As I said before, people like this have deep seated issues. Well adjusted people do not behave like this. Of course people have their ups and downs and say things they dont mean but they dont set out to be cruel to people they love on an ongoing basis. Thats abuse, its emotional abuse, there is no other word for it.

If he wasnt in a relationship with you, hed be doing it to someone else. Its not you, whatever your faults are, this isnt about you, its about him and how he views the world and dare I say it, women.

Now that youve seen this side of him, run like hell, it wont get better and when the kids are grown and off doing their own thing you could end up spending the rest of your life living with a toxic abuser.