Please can someone give me some advice. Husband left.

Tenyearstogo

The bedrooms a mess, then tidy it. Your son will want his TKD kit. Why hasn't the mess been tidied?

You'll feel better for having a tidy home. You'll burn calories and take you mind off him trying to bring you down.

itzmee

lostsoul75 wrote: »

I don;t understand how he could just change like this so suddenly, and have all this hatred towards me. He used to be so loving, and was till I confronted him about those emails and all this started.

I am so confused.

You caught him out and upset his cushy life, so now he is lashing out at you as he sees it all as your fault, even though it isn't. It's time to stop being so accommodating to him, think of yourself and your children. He doesn't want to be part of your life anymore, or so he says, so get on with yours and show him that you don't need him.

Jox

Don't let him in the house next time, he can collect and drop off the kids at the door, change the locks if necessary. Get angry and get strong, his cannabis addiction is making him unreasonable and you don't have to put up with it any longer.

sallysaver

I am really, really sorry to read your situation Lostsoul, you have my sympathy. Feeling as you do and looking after and considering 4 children certainly is far from easy.
I may be completely off the mark here, but seen as your son's equipment was in the same room as the 'drug addict' cleared his belongings from, would there be any mileage in thinking he could have picked it up and it has now been 'sold on' to fund his nasty, filthy habit and once again is blaming you?
Sweetheart, as I have said earlier, you have my deepest sympathy, but the ball is now firmly and squarely in your court. STOP the enabling right now. What kind of example is he setting for his children and believe me when I say, children are not stupid and whilst you think they don't cotton on to what is happening, they do. Do not give him another penny, don't worry about what the in-laws have to say about you, they have only his side of the story. Having said that, you may want to enlighten them - i.e. do they know he is a drug user? I hope you find all the strength you need and kick this absolute loser to the kerb. Take care, I will be thinking of you. Sally

lostsoul75

My bedroom is a mess because I have been busy with other things, and the kid's bedrooms, kitchen, lounge and bathroom - as well as all the other stuff I have to do bringing up four children on my own takes priority right now.

The equipment was under a large lampshade. I had put it there when I was manically cleaning a few weeks ago. Is that ok?

paulineb_2

Tenyearstogo wrote: »

The bedrooms a mess, then tidy it. Your son will want his TKD kit. Why hasn't the mess been tidied?

You'll feel better for having a tidy home. You'll burn calories and take you mind off him trying to bring you down.

Seriously, dont you think she has more on her mind than the state of the bedroom?

lostsoul75

Thanks Paulineb x

paulineb_2

Id just like to say as someone who has been in a relationship with someone who was mentally abusive to me, it took me a long time to realise that it was abuse. Because things werent always like that and when things unravelled I got the blame. I was criticised in great detail, usually by letter as my bf was working away for a year. All of my faults were listed. I was also called fat, I was just over 9 stones at the time, mutual friends were told Id never get my degree and never do anything with my life.

Thats the bare bones of it. That relationship and the fall out due to other behaviour of his after he left me, destroyed my confidence for a long time. It took me time to realise that not everyone who met me viewed me like that and my ex had issues and what he did was project every insecurity about himself onto me.

Hes been married twice, still married as far as I know but his first marriage lasted a year and when I heard that I wasnt surprised.

It can also be really difficult to get your head around whats going on because you think its you and that the other person has or will have better relationships with everyone else they meet.

You are not someones emotional punchbag, dont write this off as a mid life crisis, its utterly unacceptable. Get some legal advice and then decide how you move forward.

If it wasnt your weight, it would be something else, I can tell you that much.

paulineb_2

All I can say is its tough because when someone has been nice to you and it wasnt all bad and then they start acting like an idiot and the blame is put on you, well if someone is chipping away at your self esteem long enough, you can start to believe it.

I remember a friend told my mum that my ex was always putting me down in company, I didnt even notice it, I assume I was just so used to the way he behaved.

His friends think hes the salt of the earth, he has a nice side, but he also has a nasty toxic side. I remember being on a bus into college. He got on the bus. I was unwell with a really heavy cold. It was my 22nd birthday, the first one after a relative killed themselves. I got harassed all the way in to college because he said I was jealous because two of my mates were engaged to two of his. We had split by that time.

I actually wrote him a letter some time ago because a few things happened that made me feel I needed to get some things said. If he binned it, burned it, thats up to him, but that letter was 8 pages long and was my reaction to some of the things he said and did to me.

It could have been much longer. I remember being at a party after we split, it was my friends party and she had been having a fling with one of his mates and he turned up, he asked to speak to me, I think we had been split up about 6 weeks then, he pointed out a guy who had asked me out when we were still together and said, I dont mind if you go out with him, it was just horrendous. I got the brunt of his hate and anger for a long time.

Im no ones fool and Im no doormat but Ive met people in my life who have not shown their true colours until sometime in and by then you are thinking !!!!!!???

All I know is, it wont ever happen to me again. Thats not love, its not healthy, its absolutely damaging and you have kids who will grow up thinking this is normal.

For their sake as well as yours you need to give careful consideration to getting away from this man. Unless things dramatically change and I dont see that happening.

rachiibell

Please please please get yourself out of this situation OP! If you can't do it for yourself you need to do it for your kids. Do you want them to grow up in a toxic environment like this? Your husband is going to let them down over and over again, try and turn them against you and basically do everything possible to screw your family up. That's not even taking into account his drug issues. He clearly can't be trusted and how are you going to feel if you've saved money for the kids to go to uni/ get a car/ put down a house deposit/ ect and then he goes and blows it all on drugs one night.
This is gonna sound a bit harsh but your kids are going to end up hating him and they could end up hating you for putting them in that situation.
I really wish you all the best and hope you get this vile man out of your head x