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Please can someone give me some advice. Husband left.
lostsoul75
Posts: 18 Forumite
I'm at my wits end, and really don't know how I can carry on like this - as my whole world has been turned upside down. My husband of 13 years walked out on us (myself and 4 children) a month ago, and things seem to be going from bad to worse.
Around five weeks ago I was having problems with my bank, so had to use my husband's laptop as it has word - to return an e-form. When I was on a "most viewed profile" thing flashed up, revealing the facebook profile of his ex gf. Curious, I checked his history, and noticed that lots of messages had been exchanged between them.
When I confronted my husband about this, he went mental - telling me I had no right spying on him, and denied it. But then eventually admitted it and said our marriage was over as "he had had enough". We talked, and eventually he agreed we would sort things out and things were fine for about a week, until he told our son he was going to the shop and never came back.
The night before he confessed to owing a friend of ours money for cannabis. Some other so called pal of his owed him money, and he was going to collect it to pay the other guy. Anyway, he never returned, and we were all frantically worried. Phoned his mother and sister who were clueless to where he was. I got drunk and sent some messages to his ex gf asking where he was, and adding that I hoped she was happy splitting up a family, and she immediately blocked me. Several of my friends believe this is very suspicious as if he wasn't with her then why didn't she say so? And the silence is like an admission of guilt.
Soon after I had sent the messages, he texted to say the marriage was over and demanded to know who else I had contacted. He seemed more concerned about that than the fact we had been worried sick, and the kids were upset.
When he eventually came back on the Monday morning he was furious I had contacted her, and a mutual friend of ours. He was totally unapologetic, and said he had been on a bender. It was either that or he would have hit the drink (he used to have a drink problem) as he was under so much pressure at Uni. He said he had used the money to put down on a flat, as he needed some space to study. But later admitted that he had blew the money on coke.
He came back for a few days and agreed to work on things. I was very anxious during this time, scared that whenever he left the house he wouldn't return, and admit I did crowd him a bit.
On the Wednesday after he had collected our daughter from school (son as absent with chest infection) I received a facebook message from him saying that he was going to stay at his parents for space to study, and that my daughter wanted to go with him too. And not to bother contacting his parents as it was none of their concern.
As you can imagine I fell to pieces and was worried sick. Couldn't believe what was happening - still can't. He eventually brought our daughter home on the Saturday. We had a talk, all of us, and we agreed that we were going to work through things and he would come home at weekends, but just needed space to study, and would be home again in March or April - depending on when the Uni stuff was finished.
He kept making excuses not to come home, Was meant to come and see the children and wouldn't etc. Eventually came one night, and was meant to stay, but said later he had to go as he was moving into a flat nearby the next day. One of his lecturers had arranged it for him apparently, as he needed space to study. He waited till I was sleeping till he left again.
The next day he received a demand for Uni fees, and blamed this all on me and went a bit mental, shouting etc at me. Saying it was all my fault etc - nothing to do with the fact he had blew all that money on coke.
We had been having some problems - mainly financial. Also, I have battled with my weight, and had debilitating PND and PTSD after the emergency section I had with my son. Our youngest is now 8, and the PND returned after her birth, which led to more weight gain, which in turn led to a lot of issues for me regarding esteem and depression. I have tried many things over the years to lose weight, but never succeeded - simply because I did not believe in myself.
I have been receiving counselling and been diagnosed with an eating disorder. I promised my husband last June that I would try really hard to lose weight for his graduation in July. Unfortunately, I did not start this regime till the middle of January this year. I have lost 3 and a half stone since then, but he says it is too little too late, and that I should have started in June.
He does not seem to grasp how hard I am trying, or have any respect at all for me now since he left. My automatic reaction in the past was to reach out to food for comfort. I didn't have the best childhood, and a lot of my eating problems stem for that.
Financially, we were put under a lot of pressure due to his cannabis use - he spends about £100 a week on it (never smokes it in front of the children) and it has been a huge burden on me, due to the fact that I am the one who controls the finances. Also, there are times when he cannot get any and becomes an absolute nightmare to live with. He used to be an alcoholic, and due to a violent and abusive incident in the beginning of our marriage he stopped drinking, and started smoking cannabis instead - replacing one addiction for another. He has never seen his cannabis use to be a problem, and I guess I out up with it as it calmed him down.
He is under a lot of pressure at the moment as he is in his final year of Uni, and the dissertation deadline is looming. Also, we had problems paying his fees, which he blamed me for. Told me I would rather have a car than pay his fees - so I sold it, and used the money to part pay them. When I did this he told me I would never be able to walk the children to school (it is a six mile round trip) and I have surprised myself by doing it every day. But it seems that whatever I do just isn't enough, or he says I should have done it before.
Anyway, I have lost 3 stone since January (I weigh 19 now) and he says it will never be enough in time for his graduation and to save our marriage. Then other times he says if I keep doing what I am doing he will be back. My head is all over the place and I am barely functioning. Can't eat or sleep.
In the past week or so I thought things had been getting better between us. He had been coming for dinner every night, and had started taking our daughter to the new flat. We were talking more, and he even complimented me on my weightloss, and says how well I was doing with all the walking etc. However, he sometimes he seems very angry that I never done it all before and says it is just because he left, and I have made a mug out of him for years.
On Tuesday, he came round for brunch, and we had a nice chat and he said he wanted to come home in the end of May "if things were right", and agreed to come last night and spend the night. I asked him if he had been unfaithful that weekend he was away, and he denied it, said he was no longer in touch with the woman.
On Thursday night, my friend told me that she noticed they had became facebook friends and that she was all over his page liking everything he posted - he posted something about the greatness of freedom. I confronted him about it and he started acting all weird again. I put this down to the fact he had an essay due in the next day and was under pressure.
Yesterday, he texted to say he would be round at six, but never came. I texted and called to ask where he was, but he ignored me. My son was upset, as he had promised him he would come home for the night so he messaged him on facebook and he called him. I spoke to him and asked why he wasn't coming and said he didn't think it was a good idea. I asked why and he said "because our marriage is over". Said I had wore him down for years and he couldn't take it any longer, and my quizzing him over that woman was the final straw. I should add that the thing that hurts most about this woman is that when he first saw my C-section scar, his reaction was awful - he said that they had butchered me and that Kath's (the other woman's) scar was all neat, and not like that at all. So that's all why this contact with her hurts so much as well.
I feel so lost and confused. Also feel as though he is making a total fool of me. As I am still paying for his cannabis (to help him study), cooking him dinner every night and paying his Uni fees, and doing all the other stuff I said I would do, yet he is blowing hot and cold and seems to hate me.
I can't eat. I feel like the fattest, ugliest woman on the planet and am so scared of the future. My daughter is a real daddy's girl and I let her stay at his flat for a night last week, and now she doesn't ant to come home. I feel as though my whole life and family are falling apart and I don't know what to do. Please can someome give me some advice.
Around five weeks ago I was having problems with my bank, so had to use my husband's laptop as it has word - to return an e-form. When I was on a "most viewed profile" thing flashed up, revealing the facebook profile of his ex gf. Curious, I checked his history, and noticed that lots of messages had been exchanged between them.
When I confronted my husband about this, he went mental - telling me I had no right spying on him, and denied it. But then eventually admitted it and said our marriage was over as "he had had enough". We talked, and eventually he agreed we would sort things out and things were fine for about a week, until he told our son he was going to the shop and never came back.
The night before he confessed to owing a friend of ours money for cannabis. Some other so called pal of his owed him money, and he was going to collect it to pay the other guy. Anyway, he never returned, and we were all frantically worried. Phoned his mother and sister who were clueless to where he was. I got drunk and sent some messages to his ex gf asking where he was, and adding that I hoped she was happy splitting up a family, and she immediately blocked me. Several of my friends believe this is very suspicious as if he wasn't with her then why didn't she say so? And the silence is like an admission of guilt.
Soon after I had sent the messages, he texted to say the marriage was over and demanded to know who else I had contacted. He seemed more concerned about that than the fact we had been worried sick, and the kids were upset.
When he eventually came back on the Monday morning he was furious I had contacted her, and a mutual friend of ours. He was totally unapologetic, and said he had been on a bender. It was either that or he would have hit the drink (he used to have a drink problem) as he was under so much pressure at Uni. He said he had used the money to put down on a flat, as he needed some space to study. But later admitted that he had blew the money on coke.
He came back for a few days and agreed to work on things. I was very anxious during this time, scared that whenever he left the house he wouldn't return, and admit I did crowd him a bit.
On the Wednesday after he had collected our daughter from school (son as absent with chest infection) I received a facebook message from him saying that he was going to stay at his parents for space to study, and that my daughter wanted to go with him too. And not to bother contacting his parents as it was none of their concern.
As you can imagine I fell to pieces and was worried sick. Couldn't believe what was happening - still can't. He eventually brought our daughter home on the Saturday. We had a talk, all of us, and we agreed that we were going to work through things and he would come home at weekends, but just needed space to study, and would be home again in March or April - depending on when the Uni stuff was finished.
He kept making excuses not to come home, Was meant to come and see the children and wouldn't etc. Eventually came one night, and was meant to stay, but said later he had to go as he was moving into a flat nearby the next day. One of his lecturers had arranged it for him apparently, as he needed space to study. He waited till I was sleeping till he left again.
The next day he received a demand for Uni fees, and blamed this all on me and went a bit mental, shouting etc at me. Saying it was all my fault etc - nothing to do with the fact he had blew all that money on coke.
We had been having some problems - mainly financial. Also, I have battled with my weight, and had debilitating PND and PTSD after the emergency section I had with my son. Our youngest is now 8, and the PND returned after her birth, which led to more weight gain, which in turn led to a lot of issues for me regarding esteem and depression. I have tried many things over the years to lose weight, but never succeeded - simply because I did not believe in myself.
I have been receiving counselling and been diagnosed with an eating disorder. I promised my husband last June that I would try really hard to lose weight for his graduation in July. Unfortunately, I did not start this regime till the middle of January this year. I have lost 3 and a half stone since then, but he says it is too little too late, and that I should have started in June.
He does not seem to grasp how hard I am trying, or have any respect at all for me now since he left. My automatic reaction in the past was to reach out to food for comfort. I didn't have the best childhood, and a lot of my eating problems stem for that.
Financially, we were put under a lot of pressure due to his cannabis use - he spends about £100 a week on it (never smokes it in front of the children) and it has been a huge burden on me, due to the fact that I am the one who controls the finances. Also, there are times when he cannot get any and becomes an absolute nightmare to live with. He used to be an alcoholic, and due to a violent and abusive incident in the beginning of our marriage he stopped drinking, and started smoking cannabis instead - replacing one addiction for another. He has never seen his cannabis use to be a problem, and I guess I out up with it as it calmed him down.
He is under a lot of pressure at the moment as he is in his final year of Uni, and the dissertation deadline is looming. Also, we had problems paying his fees, which he blamed me for. Told me I would rather have a car than pay his fees - so I sold it, and used the money to part pay them. When I did this he told me I would never be able to walk the children to school (it is a six mile round trip) and I have surprised myself by doing it every day. But it seems that whatever I do just isn't enough, or he says I should have done it before.
Anyway, I have lost 3 stone since January (I weigh 19 now) and he says it will never be enough in time for his graduation and to save our marriage. Then other times he says if I keep doing what I am doing he will be back. My head is all over the place and I am barely functioning. Can't eat or sleep.
In the past week or so I thought things had been getting better between us. He had been coming for dinner every night, and had started taking our daughter to the new flat. We were talking more, and he even complimented me on my weightloss, and says how well I was doing with all the walking etc. However, he sometimes he seems very angry that I never done it all before and says it is just because he left, and I have made a mug out of him for years.
On Tuesday, he came round for brunch, and we had a nice chat and he said he wanted to come home in the end of May "if things were right", and agreed to come last night and spend the night. I asked him if he had been unfaithful that weekend he was away, and he denied it, said he was no longer in touch with the woman.
On Thursday night, my friend told me that she noticed they had became facebook friends and that she was all over his page liking everything he posted - he posted something about the greatness of freedom. I confronted him about it and he started acting all weird again. I put this down to the fact he had an essay due in the next day and was under pressure.
Yesterday, he texted to say he would be round at six, but never came. I texted and called to ask where he was, but he ignored me. My son was upset, as he had promised him he would come home for the night so he messaged him on facebook and he called him. I spoke to him and asked why he wasn't coming and said he didn't think it was a good idea. I asked why and he said "because our marriage is over". Said I had wore him down for years and he couldn't take it any longer, and my quizzing him over that woman was the final straw. I should add that the thing that hurts most about this woman is that when he first saw my C-section scar, his reaction was awful - he said that they had butchered me and that Kath's (the other woman's) scar was all neat, and not like that at all. So that's all why this contact with her hurts so much as well.
I feel so lost and confused. Also feel as though he is making a total fool of me. As I am still paying for his cannabis (to help him study), cooking him dinner every night and paying his Uni fees, and doing all the other stuff I said I would do, yet he is blowing hot and cold and seems to hate me.
I can't eat. I feel like the fattest, ugliest woman on the planet and am so scared of the future. My daughter is a real daddy's girl and I let her stay at his flat for a night last week, and now she doesn't ant to come home. I feel as though my whole life and family are falling apart and I don't know what to do. Please can someome give me some advice.
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Comments
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. My advice is firstly if he says the marriage is over stop letting him blow hot and cold and treating you like a doormat. Sort out the money side of things and stop paying anything that is his.Have a Bsc Hons open degree from the Open University 2015 :j:D:eek::T0
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You are still paying for his cannabis habit? I'm going to be very blunt, he sounds like a complete waste of space. He's abusing you verbally, playing mind games, in contact with an ex who he is comparing you to?
You can't help who you love but you can try and move on and be on your own for a while and at sometime in the future find someone who will treat you much better.
Stop paying his bills. He's an adult. His cannabis habit helps him study? Dear god, I've heard it all now.
You are allowing him to make an absolute mug of you. Take some control and in the long term if your marriage is going to survive it's going to take massive changes on his part and I'd say professional help.
You don't have to endure this abuse, that's what this is.0 -
Lostsoul. So sorry for the terrible situation you are in. Pauline is right. You have / are suffering abuse. Please see this man for what he is - deluded, immature and abusive. He thinks you have made a mug of him by not losing weight? Words fail me. You need support and you deserve so much better.
Mothering your children is such an important job. Well done for caring for them through this ordeal. They need to see the capable, woman you are inside. For all your sakes, you and your husband need to be apart.
I am sure people with experience of Women's Aid will be along. Calling Women's Aid is a start.
Don't worry too much about how you will rebuild your life at this point. Just look after yourself and concentrate on emotionally detaching from your husband and urging yourself to be strong.0 -
I can only sympathise.
While your mind might be all over the place there are a handful of words in the post above. Think about them before you decide what to do next.You don't have to endure this abuse0 -
I have to agree with Pauline here. WOW, he sounds like an absolute keeper (*not*). If he says it's over, I'd let him get on with it and start making something better of your (and your children's) life.0
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The bloke is a loser. A druggie who treats you and his kids like rubbish and has nothing positive to add to either your life or the kids. You're a great mum who tries to selflessly put other people first and you're doing great with your weight loss. Don't let him walk all over you. Let him ruin his own life not your family.0
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Sorry to hear of your difficulties OP, but I imagine you already know what you need to do; you need to accept that the relationship is over and cut contact with this man (except for the sake of the children).
Whatsmore, I think you really need to address your weight issue as a matter of priority. As well as causing you psychological and emotional upset, it is also severely risking your physical health. 19 stone is 120kg and morbidly obese, unless you are 6 feet tall (and even then it is still obese). I would make an appointment with your GP and ask for advice on how to manage your weight down through diet and exercise as this issue is a more serious than trying to save your failed marriage; you may well be saving your own life. It will also give you something to focus on and distract you from your estranged husband's games.
I wish you all the best!Remember Occam's Razor - the simplest explanation is usually the right one.
32 and mortgage-free
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Sorry to hear of your difficulties OP, but I imagine you already know what you need to do; you need to accept that the relationship is over and cut contact with this man (except for the sake of the children).
Whatsmore, I think you really need to address your weight issue as a matter of priority. As well as causing you psychological and emotional upset, it is also severely risking your physical health. 19 stone is 120kg and morbidly obese, unless you are 6 feet tall (and even then it is still obese). I would make an appointment with your GP and ask for advice on how to manage your weight down through diet and exercise as this issue is a more serious than trying to save your failed marriage; you may well be saving your own life. It will also give you something to focus on and distract you from your estranged husband's games.
I wish you all the best!
Shes lost 3 stones in recent months
As far as Im concerned someone in her situation needs to do what she needs to do to get through the day in the weeks ahead and if she still manages to keep on the healthy eating during this time, fabulous.
But there are other important issues that also need addressing, namely the abuse and her and her childrens well being.0 -
TopQuark - forgive me but I think you have picked the least relevant point from the OP's postings. She has already stated she is losing weight and she's clearly aware of the health risks; your statement that she should make it "a matter of priority" chimes with her ex OH's attempts to blame all his problems on her weight. Let's not play that game please.
OP please talk to your counsellor and GP as soon as you can about how you are feeling - you need some support. Put yourself and your children first and remember that your ex is responsible for his own behaviour...0 -
I have tried lots of methods to lose weight over the years. You name it I've done it. Including being referred for Bariatric surgery. I used to be Bulimic, but it went away when I was pregnant, but I developed a binge eating disorder when in the height of my PND.
Since he has left I have barely eating, and basically surviving on Robinsons lemon Barley water (weakly diluted). I had already started trying to lose weight mid January. Also, I am walking 6 miles a day taking the children to school.
All I can think of is losing weight. I only lost 5 pounds this week, and am pretty devastated to have lost so little.
He told me I would end up in a wheelchair at 45 with diabetes, and said sod that he isn't putting up with it anymore.0
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